Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ultrasound Update

As you can see by the ultrasound pictures below, we had an appointment with Dr. Barsoom again on Wednesday afternoon. It has only been 2 weeks since we saw Amelia last, but Tim and I are sure that she has grown! She looked so big! She was her usual self, and again stuck her tongue out at the little strawberry blond nurse that did our ultrasound. Though she didn't stick her tongue out at Dr. girl.

It was bittersweet to watch her, studying her perfect feet, hands, arms, legs...

As we get more familiar with what we are seeing on the screen it has become painfully clear to us that she has just one fatal imperfection. It is one thing to be told your daughter has anencephaly, and a complete other to see for yourself.

The fluid still looks good and is "measuring within normal range." So, I am very pleased about that! As our appointment came to a close, Dr. Barsoom helped me to my feet, removed his surgical glove, clasped his hands together in front of his chest and said the phrase I've come to know all to well,

"Everything looks stable."

It is an appropriate statement. Direct, honest -- very Dr. Barsoom. But I just can't help it....every time he says those 3 words; it stings a little (well a lot actually). I don't know what I would rather he say? "Everything looks fine," would be wildly inaccurate....
everything is clearly not fine.

As he walked out the door, we thanked him and he said, "It’s good to see you smiling."

Was I smiling?!? You bet I was! I just had just seen the most beautiful little girl, my little girl, again. In the midst of the sadness we carry, we are so washed over with can I keep from smiling?

How Can I Keep From Singing

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging,
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile,
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?


AmyV said...

Look at her grow. Its nice to smile and enjoy your days with Amelia while she is here with you. Although so apparently bittersweet, you deserve to be happy and so does Amelia. Your Dr seems like a very nice man, and I am sure watching all this is heartwrenching. I am sure its so difficult to hear Everythings Stable, instead of hearing Everythings perfect. Glad you got to see your little girl, I am sure you wish you had one of those machines at home, so you could just watch her all the time.

Unknown said...

I think Amelia loves that you are smiling and enjoying your time with her. It is a bittersweet time but sweet nonetheless.

love and prayers

Jennifer said...

So sweet! It is the most amazing thing in the world to carry a child in your belly! To carry a child that has a fatal diagnosis is one of the most beautiful things in the world. You are showing Amelia such love! What a wonderful mama you are! No one can understand just how special these pregnacies are unless they have been there. You are making sweet memories that will last a lifetime! Enjoy every second!

Unknown said...

Of course you were smiling! You got to see Amelia! :) Seeing Carleigh always made me smile.

Lois B said...

You picked the very song I was humming as I read this! You will sing to Amelia forever and that will make BOTH of you smile!!
She is beautiful and always will remain that way.
May God bless and comfort you, Tim, Noah and Amelia.
You are my hero!

Becky said...

I don't know how you always find these perfectly right words and poems to apply to your situation, but praise God you do. You're and instrument of the Lord and a witness to us all!