As you can see by the ultrasound pictures below, we had an appointment with Dr. Barsoom again on Wednesday afternoon. It has only been 2 weeks since we saw Amelia last, but Tim and I are sure that she has grown! She looked so big! She was her usual self, and again stuck her tongue out at the little strawberry blond nurse that did our ultrasound. Though she didn't stick her tongue out at Dr. Barsoom...smart girl.
It was bittersweet to watch her, studying her perfect feet, hands, arms, legs...
As we get more familiar with what we are seeing on the screen it has become painfully clear to us that she has just one fatal imperfection. It is one thing to be told your daughter has anencephaly, and a complete other to see for yourself.
The fluid still looks good and is "measuring within normal range." So, I am very pleased about that! As our appointment came to a close, Dr. Barsoom helped me to my feet, removed his surgical glove, clasped his hands together in front of his chest and said the phrase I've come to know all to well,
"Everything looks stable."
It is an appropriate statement. Direct, honest -- very Dr. Barsoom. But I just can't help it....every time he says those 3 words; it stings a little (well a lot actually). I don't know what I would rather he say? "Everything looks fine," would be wildly inaccurate....
everything is clearly not fine.
As he walked out the door, we thanked him and he said, "It’s good to see you smiling."
Was I smiling?!? You bet I was! I just had just seen the most beautiful little girl, my little girl, again. In the midst of the sadness we carry, we are so washed over with joy...how can I keep from smiling?
How Can I Keep From Singing
My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations, I hear the real, though far-off hymn That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing, It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm, While to that rock I'm clinging,
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear And hear their death knell ringing,
Tim and I found out we were expecting in November of 2009 and could not have been more thrilled! A little scared as to how we were going to handle a 2 year old and a new baby, but thrilled.
We have always known that God had special plans for our children. March 15, 2010, at a routine 20 week ultrasound, Amelia was diagnosed with Anencephaly; a fatal neural tube defect said to affect one child for every 1000 births and 3 in 10,000 live births.
Knowing her life expectancy after birth was only minutes to hours, we chose to carry Amelia to term and created this blog/journal to record her short time here on earth.
We hope to use this blog as both a journal and record of Amelia's time with us here on earth and as a way to share with family and friends the day to day joys and sorrows of this pregnancy. We believe that life is a precious gift of God and rejoice in the blessings God has given in our children.
God is good.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
For a long time there were only your footprints and laughter in our dreams, and even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever. Brian Andreas