Saturday, March 14, 2015

March 15th - Diagnosis Day (The Day of Darkness)

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,    
all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:3-4

Five years later we are -
Still clinging to HIM in the darkness 
waiting in HOPE for that glorious Reunion
and CARRYING HER with us always.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

In Him there is no darkness at all.

(Diagnosis Day 4 years later)
 It is fitting that Amelia's diagnosis day falls during Lent.
a time in the church when Alleluias are silenced
saved up until Easter morning
and we hear the sweet acclamation once again,
Alleluia, He is Risen!
I have said before, that this day, March 15th,
is a day of darkness.
For me, it remains the hardest day.
It was on this day
4 years ago
that we were told the baby girl I was carrying
had anencephaly.
We were handed a few blurred ultrasound photos
and a death sentence.
And so we wait,
in the darkness,
knowing full well that the stone WILL be rolled away.
The light will return
and with Him, in Him,
she has risen.

We wait in sorrow
to cry out
in joyful chorus
He is risen indeed, Alleluia!

Friday, September 13, 2013

Thursday, August 22, 2013

All Of Me - Matt Hammitt

As a (somewhat new) mother, I am still overwhelmed on occasion at just how much I love all my children. Then I think...God loves them more. God loves her more. God loves me more - and that awesome truth brings me to my knees.

Heard this song today and was moved to tears.
She was worth every tear.

I won't let sadness steal You from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
Trade the fear of all that I could lose,
for every moment I share with You

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
Cuz You're worth every fallen tear, You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving You all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love You, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, You're worth all of me

Friday, March 15, 2013

D-Day, 3 years ago today.

not compatible with life

If I close my eyes I can still see the word anencephaly scribbled out on the back of an appointment reminder card. In the moments and hours following Amelia's diagnosis I could not remember the name anencephaly or how to pronounce it. I had to have the head of maternal fetal medicine at Bergan Mercy write it down for me.

We left the hospital that day broken and empty handed, with the exception of that appointment reminder card.

Time has not erased the memory of that day,
nor has it lessened the blow.

Her birthday (also the day of her death) I treasure and hold dear
moment by moment, image by image
emblazoned on my heart
imprinted in my mind.

March 15th, I do not.
This day holds no healing
no joy
no beauty

just pain
and an appointment reminder card inked with the word

and still He was with us
as He remains with us to this day
so we remain grateful
hopeful and blessed
the darkness cannot consume us.
anencephaly did not win the day.

Psalm 42 vs 1-8

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Donate Life Nebraska PSA

Recently Tim and I had the chance to share Amelia Grace's story when we were asked to shoot a commercial for Donate Life Nebraska. I was emailed Friday to announce that it would be airing for the first time this weekend on KNOP during the Big 10 Championship game. (Go Big Red!) 

There is a link to the spot on their website below if you want to check it out. It is very short. We feel so blessed to be her parents and that her life continues to impact this world. :)

Monday, October 15, 2012

Remembering with you...

In Loving Memory
Rachel ALice
Morgan Jane
Christian Dominic
Amanda Grace
Lyndan Grace
Emily Sharon
Baby Baker
Amelia Rose
Lois's girls
Kris's babies
Baby Kahl
Sarah's baby

AMelia Grace
"Emma & Gabriel"

and so many more
on my lips and in my heart...

Wave of Light

Most of you that still read Amelia's bog (that is when I actually post something! :( ) are probably aware that October 15th (today) is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Worldwide there are many events, ceremonies, prayers and candles being lit in observance of the day and in memory of those lil' babes gone to soon.

As is true everyday, and today especially, we hold the precious memories of our sweet girl and our first little "beans" close to our hearts. I am truly blessed to be a mommy to all my sweet babies in this world and the next.

Only God could love you more. I'll be there as soon as I can...
Forever blowing kisses,

If you have lost a baby/ies or if you would like to remember with those who have I'd invite you to join in lighting a candle from 7pm -8 pm (in your own timezone) for the international Wave of Light.

God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. Genesis 1:4

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

 "May it [Jesus Christ]be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out." J.R.R. Tolkien

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

Saturday, October 06, 2012

just some Sam cuteness...

Treasuring every single moment with our precious rainbow!

Saturday, September 29, 2012

It's a boy!

Meet Doc.
You know like fishing doc(k)
or Doc Brown from Back to the Future
or Doc from Snow White...
It took us weeks to name him!

But now I'm thinking...
maybe we should have named him Sleepy?!?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Noah takes a BITE out of FOUR!

Happy 4th Birthday to the best big brother ever!
Noah is getting SOO big!
He even decorated the top of his own shark cake!!!

Friday, August 10, 2012

See Sam Go.

Click image to enlarge.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Sam is ONE!

My babies are 1, 2 and 3!
I can hardly believe it!!!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Two years later and still...
my arms ache for her.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 33:20–21 & Psalm 34:18



Sunday, July 22, 2012

Donate Life Nebraska Trail Run & Hereos Walk

...just a few highlights from the Trail Run and Heroes Walk!
THANK YOU so much to each of you who ran or walked for making this day so special!
Happy birthday week sweet girl! love you. miss you.
big bro starting the walk

Miss Klare getting her digits on straight

Lil' bro was all smiles

 Jamie, Me & Leslie
Go Chi O!
water bottles in honor of the birthday girl

Jillian and Me

Lyndan's Family

ready to roll...

Haley's Family

dinosaurs  ;)

Joe and Mary

Grandpa Raabe & Gramma J

Everyone wore pink!

The Heroes Walk was lined with these signs honoring organ and tissue donors

watching for Miss Klare

checking out the firetruck

kinda dirty

the shirts and the sweet babies we remember

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Can I include your baby?

Calling all baby loss mom and dad's!
You may have read my previous post about the Nebraska Organ Recovery Heroes walk that we are participating in on July is a walk in memory of organ donors and in celebration of those who live on because of them! We are walking in memory of Amelia Grace and of all babies/children gone to soon.

I am planning having t-shirts made for that walk and on those shirts I would like to list any and all children and "friends" of Amelia and their birthday. I also hope to indicate if they were an organ donor (you child did NOT have to donate or attempt to donate to be included on this shirt!)

So if you would like to include you child's name and birthday on our shirt, please comment below or send me an email at  

We would be honored to include your child.

OH, NO! Last minute t-shirt re-design! Looks like it may be first names only (I am still hoping to include last names) and no picture of Amelia. Please forgive me folks!

Monday, July 02, 2012

July 2, 2006

This is one of my very favorite photos from Tim and my wedding day. The crack in the floor in this photo however, has always bothered me.

As I prepared to post this photo marking our 6th wedding anniversary, I changed my mind about the crack...I now think it rather suits us.

Six years ago today, I could have never imagined how amazing my life with this man would be.
Quoting my mom's dad on my parent's wedding day, my father's wedding speech included this one liner...
are you sure you know what you're doing?
It still makes me giggle to this day.
We had no clue.

All we really knew is how much we loved each other
how much we wanted to be together
to start a life together
to build a family together...
we knew it wasn't going to be perfect
we knew there would be some cracks in the road. 

and still...
we made a promise to each other
to dance through it all
in sickness and in health
in good times and in bad

I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have this man as my dance partner.

God is so good.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm a feminist.

and I am pro-life.
(p.s. brace yourself, there are lots of us)

"Abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women." 
Alice Paul

"Childbearing is a beautiful office of nature." 
Tennessee Claflin

"After a child is no one has the right to tamper with its existence." 
Eliza Bisbee Duffey

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Heroes Walk for Amelia's 2nd Birthday

As the days of June melt away my heart has already begun to feel the sting of the turn of the calendar to July.
To us, July belongs to Amelia.
It is a month of bittersweet as we remember, celebrate and grieve our sweet Amelia Grace.
Silly as it may sound, some days I can't believe I'm not prepping myself for the terrible twos or planning a ballerina themed 2nd birthday party.

Two years later, and I still feel so     broken.

By now you all know that I am a "planner."
So, it should come as no surprise that Sam's first birthday (Aug 1) party is well into the planning stages.
Theme chosen, menu planned, invitation designed...I know, I'm crazy. But this is just how I'm built folks. ;)

Noah's 4th birthday is not quite as concrete. In my defense, it does make it a bit more complicated when you solicit theme suggestions from a 3 year old. Some days Transformers are in the lead, others he wants an Avengers (Iron Man) party. Both themes make me want to cry! How did he get so big?!?

and then there's my girl...
Just as I was lamenting over what to do for Amelia's 2nd birthday, a friend of mine shared that she was putting together a team for Nebraska Organ Recovery's first Donate Life Nebraska Trail Run & Heroes Walk  on July 21st (the Saturday before her birthday) God's timing is ALWAYS perfect. ;) I called Tim and my Mom to see if they would walk with me and took a leap of faith signing up to organize a team in our little Amelia's honor! I have no idea if anyone will walk with us, and if I'm really honest it scares me a bit that we may be hiking it alone...none the less we WILL walk.

Perhaps you will consider joining us?

Date: Saturday, July 21
Venue: Donate Life Nebraska Trail Run & Heroes Walk
Location: Omaha, Nebraska, USA
Team: i (heart) amelia

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

A couple weeks ago I needed to stop at Hobby Lobby on my way home. Noah's response..."but I don't want to go to Hobby Lobby, I might have bad behavior." hilarious!

Last Wednesday, on the way to the sitter he asked if we were going to Hobby Lobby after Becky's. I told him, "probably not today buddy." He hung his head and cried, "but I want to go! I want to get flowers for my sister." yup, broke this mama's heart.

On the way home, I asked him if he still wanted me to stop thinking he may have changed his mind. Noah HATES  Hobby Lobby...mainly because there is no "toy island" (isle) and I am always telling him not to touch anything! ;) To my surprise (and delight) he insisted we stop... even warned me,  
"Don't miss the exit, OK Mom." 
love that boy!

he picked the flowers all by himself,
chatting away the entire time,
"Only pink ones Mom." 
"I like THESE ones!" 
"I want two of them for my sisters grave."
You sure you don't one a few more of these, I questioned.
"No, Mom, just two."

It was not as full of a bouquet as I would normally do for her vase, but Noah got exactly what he wanted for his sister. I "arranged" them for him and we replaced Amelia's Memorial Day flowers and wreath with the small  bouquet from Amelia's Big Brother (A title he takes very seriously).

I am thinking despite my concerns of the fullness of the bouquet... she would have loved them.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

no words. just love.

It's Wednesday,
And it was almost a wordless one
but I just had to tell you one more time
I miss you. I love you. Can't wait to see you...

not that I'm counting but
it's been
665 days.
I miss you. every. single. day.

not one of the 57,456,00 seconds since your birth has gone by
that my love was not with you

not one second.

My River runs to thee
Blue Sea! Wilt welcome me?
My River wait reply
Oh Sea, look graciously
I'll fetch thee Brooks
From spotted nooks
Say, Sea, Take Me!
Emily Dickinson

"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." ~Karen Kingsbury

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Big Enough For Your Tears

I have had a post swimming around in my head for a few days- a post about my tears or lack there of rather...I started to write it Monday but ended up deleting the whole thing.

Then on Tuesday I felt a tug when I opened up my email to find the title of my morning devotional was "Hiding My Tears."

So I tried again but deleted the whole thing (again)...tooo sappy I thought to myself, toooo depressing.

and even though I KNOW grief has no timeline
and even though I KNOW FOR SURE that's it OK and normal to cry,
the darkness still finds me.
It whispers from the shadows things like
shouldn't you be done crying by now?
her life isn't that special
her story is over
stop writing
can't you see they are tired of hearing about your "dead baby"
     every time you talk!?!
don't cry in front of your boys - you're an adult for pity's sake 
    pull yourself together!
the darkness sucks.

You see I've been kinda' disappointed in myself lately.
I am realizing that I haven't allowed myself to cry - not really
and not nearly enough.
When I feel the tears coming I swallow hard, I push them down.
I push her from my thoughts.
I put my daughter out of my head.  :(
And I have decided thanks to much urging from the Lord this week, that I'm not OK with that anymore.
Would you believe that just as I was coming to that realization this week, my 3 year old son preaches these words to me from his car seat...

Noah    Jesus is really big Mom?
Me       Yes He is, He is HUGE!
Noah    I want to see Him very much.
Me       I know buddy, and you will someday when we go to heaven.
Noah   But we have to be His disciples first.
Me      Yes, Noah we do.
Noah  We are all his disciples Mom
Me     (feeling a bit convicted by my 3 year old) Yes Noah, we are.
Noah  Mom...
Me      Yes, Noah?
Noah  When we cry, He cries.
Me      Yup, He does (muffled with tears)
Noah   and when we smile, He smiles.

God's timing (and apparently my son's) is perfect.
I know it's OK to cry.
So today, rather than muffle the tears away, I am giving myself permission to cry.
After all, Jesus is really big...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...
who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:8

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." 
Psalm 56:8

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Sam's first taste of BBQ

So, I am aware that "Baby's First BBQ"
is NOT a milestone on most baby calendars. Tim however was not.
And at our house BBQ is A. Big. Deal.

Noah was never much for meat (still isn't) but Sam, well...
let's just say he made his Daddy very proud as he ate up most of Noah's pulled pork sandwich.

We are so blessed.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Monday, April 16, 2012

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

With Him in Paradise

The Grand Wailea Resort
Maui, HI

Tim and I just got back from a (fabulous) trip to Maui. While we were there I tried to snap a few baby names in the sand. I feel horrible that I didn't do more and even forgot :( a few that I had intended to write. I guess we will just have to go back sooner than planned!

None the less, from the moment we arrived on Maui, I could not stop thinking about my girl. I think about her everyday, but this was different. I was in paradise - kinda like her. ;)

The views, the beach, the ocean, the flowers (the food) ...all of it, literally brought tears to my eyes. At some point I remember turning to Tim and mustering out the words, I can't believe He has already shown her all of this. Amazing. Seriously, amazing.

I can't wait for heaven. sigh

and since it's Holy Week....

Jesus answered him, 
“Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” 
Luke 23:42-44