Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Big Enough For Your Tears

I have had a post swimming around in my head for a few days- a post about my tears or lack there of rather...I started to write it Monday but ended up deleting the whole thing.

Then on Tuesday I felt a tug when I opened up my email to find the title of my morning devotional was "Hiding My Tears."

So I tried again but deleted the whole thing (again)...tooo sappy I thought to myself, toooo depressing.

and even though I KNOW grief has no timeline
and even though I KNOW FOR SURE that's it OK and normal to cry,
the darkness still finds me.
It whispers from the shadows things like
shouldn't you be done crying by now?
her life isn't that special
her story is over
stop writing
can't you see they are tired of hearing about your "dead baby"
     every time you talk!?!
don't cry in front of your boys - you're an adult for pity's sake 
    pull yourself together!
the darkness sucks.

You see I've been kinda' disappointed in myself lately.
I am realizing that I haven't allowed myself to cry - not really
and not nearly enough.
When I feel the tears coming I swallow hard, I push them down.
I push her from my thoughts.
I put my daughter out of my head.  :(
And I have decided thanks to much urging from the Lord this week, that I'm not OK with that anymore.
Would you believe that just as I was coming to that realization this week, my 3 year old son preaches these words to me from his car seat...

Noah    Jesus is really big Mom?
Me       Yes He is, He is HUGE!
Noah    I want to see Him very much.
Me       I know buddy, and you will someday when we go to heaven.
Noah   But we have to be His disciples first.
Me      Yes, Noah we do.
Noah  We are all his disciples Mom
Me     (feeling a bit convicted by my 3 year old) Yes Noah, we are.
Noah  Mom...
Me      Yes, Noah?
Noah  When we cry, He cries.
Me      Yup, He does (muffled with tears)
Noah   and when we smile, He smiles.

God's timing (and apparently my son's) is perfect.
I know it's OK to cry.
So today, rather than muffle the tears away, I am giving myself permission to cry.
After all, Jesus is really big...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...
who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:8

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." 
Psalm 56:8


Unknown said...

sometimes the best lessons come from our kids

Rachel's Mama said...

*deep sigh* I'm crying with you girl.... love you, love Amelia.

CynthiaS said...

Sigh, I don't have much to say but big {HUGS} to you. I am just coming back out of that darkness and it is such a painful place to be :(

Christy said...

Kids, sometimes, are great teachers. Your son sounds like an amazing little man.

I just want to tell you that I really hope you aren't "deleting" your words. I understand you may not publish every post, but all your writings are beautiful, just like you. Even though you may not like the way it "came out" sometimes when you write, it still may be something that you'll go back and read and it will mean something to you later, or give you a memory or some other gift. You probably aren't "deleting" but I just wanted to let you know. Everything you write...may not be perfect. But it's still priceless.

Your friend always....sharing your tears.

Unknown said...

Beautiful post! I have stuffed my tears and then they come out with a vengeance! I found you from BLM blogger on Facebook. I host a weekly Tuesday blog hop I would love if you join us! Well God is so good I have felt many times that my tears are forgotten but they are not he know about every one. Thanks for sharing your and your sons wisdom :)

Hannah Rose said...

Oh, what a beautiful post! LOVE it!!

I too wrote a post recently about tears:

Michelle said...

I especially loved this post, Melissa. Why is it that we think it's not OK to cry? I read a very interesting article recently about why we is evidence of a chemical reaction in our bodies that signifies a "recalibration and recovery". Let the tears flow, I say! You are mourning, and you can practically delete the word "should" from your grief vocabulary. There are no 'shoulds'. Your grief is your grief. There's no timeline and no step by step directions on how and when and with whom do experience it. Tears are healing...they are GOOD.