As a (somewhat new) mother, I am still overwhelmed on occasion at just how much I love all my children. Then I think...God loves them more. God loves her more. God loves memore - and that awesome truth brings me to my knees.
Heard this song today and was moved to tears. She was worth every tear.
I won't let sadness steal You from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my
Trade the fear of all that I could lose,
for every moment I share
You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
You're worth every fallen tear, You're worth facing any fear
know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts,
giving You all of me is where I'll start.
Heaven broke into this moment,
it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, You're worth all of
So let me recklessly love You, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me,
You're worth all of me
If I close my eyes I can still see the word anencephaly scribbled out on the back of an appointment reminder card. In the moments and hours following Amelia's diagnosis I could not remember the name anencephaly or how to pronounce it. I had to have the head of maternal fetal medicine at Bergan Mercy write it down for me.
We left the hospital that day broken and empty handed, with the exception of that appointment reminder card.
Time has not erased the memory of that day,
nor has it lessened the blow.
Her birthday (also the day of her death) I treasure and hold dear
moment by moment, image by image
emblazoned on my heart
imprinted in my mind.
March 15th, I do not.
This day holds no healing
and an appointment reminder card inked with the word anencephaly.
and still He was with us
as He remains with us to this day
so we remain grateful
hopeful and blessed
the darkness cannot consume us. anencephaly did not win the day.
Psalm 42 vs 1-8
1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? 3 My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” 4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One[d] with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
6 My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
8 By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.
Tim and I found out we were expecting in November of 2009 and could not have been more thrilled! A little scared as to how we were going to handle a 2 year old and a new baby, but thrilled.
We have always known that God had special plans for our children. March 15, 2010, at a routine 20 week ultrasound, Amelia was diagnosed with Anencephaly; a fatal neural tube defect said to affect one child for every 1000 births and 3 in 10,000 live births.
Knowing her life expectancy after birth was only minutes to hours, we chose to carry Amelia to term and created this blog/journal to record her short time here on earth.
We hope to use this blog as both a journal and record of Amelia's time with us here on earth and as a way to share with family and friends the day to day joys and sorrows of this pregnancy. We believe that life is a precious gift of God and rejoice in the blessings God has given in our children.
God is good.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
For a long time there were only your footprints and laughter in our dreams, and even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever. Brian Andreas