Wednesday, May 23, 2012

no words. just love.

It's Wednesday,
And it was almost a wordless one
but I just had to tell you one more time
I miss you. I love you. Can't wait to see you...

not that I'm counting but
it's been
665 days.
I miss you. every. single. day.

not one of the 57,456,00 seconds since your birth has gone by
that my love was not with you

not one second.

My River runs to thee
Blue Sea! Wilt welcome me?
My River wait reply
Oh Sea, look graciously
I'll fetch thee Brooks
From spotted nooks
Say, Sea, Take Me!
Emily Dickinson

"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." ~Karen Kingsbury

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Big Enough For Your Tears

I have had a post swimming around in my head for a few days- a post about my tears or lack there of rather...I started to write it Monday but ended up deleting the whole thing.

Then on Tuesday I felt a tug when I opened up my email to find the title of my morning devotional was "Hiding My Tears."

So I tried again but deleted the whole thing (again)...tooo sappy I thought to myself, toooo depressing.

and even though I KNOW grief has no timeline
and even though I KNOW FOR SURE that's it OK and normal to cry,
the darkness still finds me.
It whispers from the shadows things like
shouldn't you be done crying by now?
her life isn't that special
her story is over
stop writing
can't you see they are tired of hearing about your "dead baby"
     every time you talk!?!
don't cry in front of your boys - you're an adult for pity's sake 
    pull yourself together!
the darkness sucks.

You see I've been kinda' disappointed in myself lately.
I am realizing that I haven't allowed myself to cry - not really
and not nearly enough.
When I feel the tears coming I swallow hard, I push them down.
I push her from my thoughts.
I put my daughter out of my head.  :(
And I have decided thanks to much urging from the Lord this week, that I'm not OK with that anymore.
Would you believe that just as I was coming to that realization this week, my 3 year old son preaches these words to me from his car seat...

Noah    Jesus is really big Mom?
Me       Yes He is, He is HUGE!
Noah    I want to see Him very much.
Me       I know buddy, and you will someday when we go to heaven.
Noah   But we have to be His disciples first.
Me      Yes, Noah we do.
Noah  We are all his disciples Mom
Me     (feeling a bit convicted by my 3 year old) Yes Noah, we are.
Noah  Mom...
Me      Yes, Noah?
Noah  When we cry, He cries.
Me      Yup, He does (muffled with tears)
Noah   and when we smile, He smiles.

God's timing (and apparently my son's) is perfect.
I know it's OK to cry.
So today, rather than muffle the tears away, I am giving myself permission to cry.
After all, Jesus is really big...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...
who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:8

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." 
Psalm 56:8

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Sam's first taste of BBQ

So, I am aware that "Baby's First BBQ"
is NOT a milestone on most baby calendars. Tim however was not.
And at our house BBQ is A. Big. Deal.

Noah was never much for meat (still isn't) but Sam, well...
let's just say he made his Daddy very proud as he ate up most of Noah's pulled pork sandwich.

We are so blessed.