not ready

I have memories of this point in my pregnancy with Noah. They are memories of what is often referred to in child birth education classes and texts as nesting. I call it Mamma Bear Panic. I have vague memories of the exact moments of panic (Tim can probably remember better than I!), but I do remember my thoughts and prayers always included..."Dear Lord, HELP, I'm not ready!"

I thought this pregnancy would be different. I am, after all, an experienced Mother. I've bought all the stuff, done the nursing thing, pulled off the late nights, slept in a chair all night with a sick baby, installed a car seat...this time I thought only minimal panic would ensue at an unclean house or a partially packed hospital bag, but surely this time I would not find myself making the same plea..."Dear Lord, HELP, I'm not ready!"

I am just over 28 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy, I have already prayed/panicked more times than I can count, "Dear Lord, HELP, I'm not ready!" But this time, it is not over outfits or feeding supplies, a painted nursery or assembled crib, car seats or a packed hospital bag. There will be nothing left undone that must be done. And still I know, this time I will not be ready to go to the hospital.

I will never be ready to go to the hospital; never be ready to say goodbye to my sweet Amelia.

I will pray. I will prepare. The time will come but, I will not be ready.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.