Wednesday, June 16, 2010

painful questions

I knew there would be unbearable things with this pregnancy.

Questions to answer.
Awkward conversations.
Uncontrollable tears…in public.
Going to the hospital, leaving the hospital…
without Amelia.
a half furnished nursery.

There are so many things.

Recently I have been asked more and more frequently by friends and strangers, nurses, my boss…
Variations of the same question,
“When are you due?”
Simple question. Innocent question.

Beyond painful question.

Unknowingly, what they are really asking is,
“What day is your daughter going to die?”

I want to scream,
But I swallow hard,
and say,
August 2nd
And then to protect my heart, I stop listening…
just in case I won’t be able to handle their response.

Responses like:
“How exciting!”
“I bet you're counting down the days”
“Those last weeks felt like I would be pregnant forever”
“You are so big, I bet you’ll go earlier than that…”

there is no way of getting around it, it just plain hurts.

and still
the silence hurts
so much more than any words.

Selected verses of Lamentations 3
The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. 


Jennifer said...

I remember those last few weeks carrying Eli and wishing it could last forever. I remember those questions. It hurts but God does provide in amazing ways! Bless you, praying that you will find comfort and enjoy every second little miss Amelia is tumbling around in your belly! Make memories at every turn. They are so precious to look back on! Hugs!

Becky said...

If only those of us sharing in your pain could take away some of that pain. God bless you.

Unknown said...

Yes, the silence is the worst. Absolutely.

CynthiaS said...

keeping you and your family in my prayers!

AmyV said...

i agree with Becky. If we could only carry some of the burden of your pain. Although you know that people will ask these questions, there is no way to prepare for how your heart feels. How much it hurts I can't imagine. Thinking of you and your amazingly hard journey with this precious child.

pennynjon said...

I am crying as I read this post, my heart is breaking for you. I remember how hard those questions were! I am praying for you! (((HUGE HUGS)))

Stephanie said...

I Remember it all so well ~ as if it were yesterday. I always had a knack for saying things bluntly, but with Amelia, I felt our privacy was so much more important. Those moments were so very hard, because I knew those people had no idea what a can of sorrow they were lucky for them that they can just walk away from me after a quick, "I am sorry." Many times, this is when the inevitable trite comments of "attempted explanation" so many felt they needed to interject. I still feel the sting from those thoughtless comments.

Unknown said...

I agree the silence is worse than the hurtful questions or responses.