Baby Blues and Pinks

and she said to him, "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there.
1 Samuel 1:24-28

Babies are miracles.

Not just plain ol’ everyday miracles (if there really are such things as small miracles)

Babies are BIG, life changing, show stopping, tear producing miracles!

So many of my friends are pregnant or trying to get pregnant or trying to figure out the new mommy thing, that I swear some days I see only in baby colors!

When I became a mommy (or rather knew I was a mommy, as indicated by the glorious pink plus sign) everything changed. I worried all the time. I counted down the days until we were past the imaginary safety line - the end of the first trimester. After that I counted movements, kicks and days until the next doctor appointment or ultrasound. I know I must have continued to breathe while pregnant, but it felt like I held my breath until Noah was born.

When the day came, he was perfect and healthy and I could breathe again. And still, the calm lasted for just a few fleeting hours before I was back on the worry train. Is he eating enough? Is that a normal sound, normal diaper, normal color???

I am embarrassed to admit the following realization came far too late…

Noah was about 4-5 months old when we got devastating news that our dear friends Katie & Eric’s newborn baby girl had been diagnosed with SMA type 1. She would not live past the age of 2. I was crushed for them, utterly broken…

In the days following, I would sob as I rocked Noah to sleep, thinking of Kate and Morgan, and clinging to my son. Sending up prayer after prayer that God would heal her. Fear crept in and my love for Noah shifted to an almost desperate tone. I clung to my baby. In my new mommy mode of living I had forgotten one very important fact…

Noah was never our baby.

I was creeping through the darkness, living in fear that harm would come to my baby and that I would not be able to protect him - not be able to save him. Turns out, I was right to fear my limitations as his mother - right to be afraid of what might happen as long as I depended on myself to protect him. I had forgotten to trust in God.

And so I face the darkness again knowing with all my heart,

Amelia was never our baby.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

I have loved you with a love that lasts forever. I have kept on loving you with faithful love. Jeremiah 31:3