Wednesday, October 06, 2010

10 weeks - facing the fire

I cannot speak for all BLMs
(Baby Loss Mama)
but I think it is safe to say that when you lose a child
there is one thing that changes for everyone.
The bubble is popped.
The change happens
when your life shifts from a place where bad things can happen
to where bad thing do happen
and they happen to us.

We have stood in the fiery furnace,
walked into it, is more accurate I suppose.
I think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego
and wonder
would they trust again
if they had to face a second time,
the blazing furnace?

Last night as I busied myself in the kitchen
I watched from my sink window as my son Noah and his daddy
played happily in the back yard
while Tim monitored the meat cooking on the nearby grill.
For a moment, it felt like the family we were
before we lost Amelia...
Noah was giggling
as he stopped to say "hi Mama" at the kitchen window
before running out of site to the corner of the yard
where Tim stood chatting with one of our neighbors.
I had just grabbed a mixing spoon and spatulas
from the dishwasher
and as I opened the drawer to put them away
I noticed that it was suddenly quiet outside.
Something in my gut urged me to check on Noah.

As I poked my head out of our kitchen door
onto the breezeway that separates our back from front yard,
I saw Noah
chasing his ball down the front yard - headed for the street.
I panicked and called out his name, but he didn't hear me.
I ran frantically down our driveway yelling for him to stop.

He made it into the street.
His ball made it to the grassy median on the other side.
I made it just in time to swoop him up.
As we made our way safely back to the breezeway
I saw the spoon and spatulas scattered on the bricks and thought,
what if I had put them away first...

After Amelia,
it's no longer the what ifs, but the what wills that haunt me.
Back in the house, Tim echoed my thoughts as he confessed,
while he watched in slow motion, his thoughts were
A car is going to hit Noah, not a car could hit Noah.
The bubble is burst.
Bad things do happen
and they happen to us.

So this morning, I find myself wondering
would I go back into the furnace
if the Lord called my name?
Will I trust that he will not lead me
where he will not deliver me?

Will I say, here I am Lord, send me?
If I have learned anything from our journey with Amelia,
it is to trust God's plan for our family.
Along with our sorrow,
God has provided so much joy and peace.
He gave us Amelia
and he took her home after two short hours.
It wasn't our plan, but it was his.
He led us through it all, and leads us still.

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-3


Lori said...

I never, ever really worried about John before Matthew died. Deployments, being a test pilot...none of it...I knew there was danger, but really, those things happen to 'other' people. Statistically, odds are

Now, I just wait for the other shoe to drop. Every morning, as he leaves for work, I think, "Is that the last time I've seen him?"

You are right--we've moved from things that happen to others to those are things that happen to us. And there's no guarantee that they won't happen again.

So, last week in my Bible study (Kay Arthur's it) we talked about Faith Covenants and how God has promised to deliver us and protect all situations.

Those are things that are hard to believe as we sit in front of the casket holding our precious child before it's forever placed in the ground.

The key, I think, is perspective--whether ours is an earthly perspective or a Heavenly perspective. And that's the really, really hard part to remember and grasp, because Heaven just seems so far away...

I'd like to think I'd beg to go back to the furnace, but if I am really honest....not sure...
Keeping your family in prayers still...

Mary said...

I agree the worring gets worse. We now know the "things" that only happen to other people can easily happen to us to. My husband is in the Army and has been deployed 3 times and while I did worry it is no where near like I worry now. I start worrying when he is just minutes late getting home from work, thinking he got into a car accident or something. It doesn't help that he did flip and total our van 2 days before Isabella was born and passed away. I used to let the kids play outside by themselves in the fenced in yard, not anymore. It is crazy how even the little things change in our lives.

Lisette said...

It is crazy how much you change after a loss. I have always worried but now it is so bad. I hate it, I wish I didn't constantly think that something bad is going to happen. There are no guarantees in life. ((HUGS))

pennynjon said...

I SO feel you on this post. I have always been a worrier, but going through all of this has made it so much worse. I find myself expecting bad things to happen now. I can't stand feeling like that. I know that this fear is not a good thing- I am praying for all of us that God will give us peace of mind. ((HUGE HUGS))

Jennifer said...

This resonates so truthfully with me. It is true, we no longer walk under the protective cover provided by not having had to endure loss. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Katie Sitzman said...

So incredibly poignant. I cannot tell you how loudly this resonates with me. The fear of losing Wyatt or Eric plagues me every day. Thank you for giving us mommies a voice. I love your posts...and you.

CynthiaS said...

I agree with you, there is a new fear with life. I feel like I could have written part of this post. SOOOO glad you caught your little man!

Unknown said...

The bubble is most certainly gone. I know I worry more now over my living children-scared something may happen to them. It's always something that happens to other people-til it happens to YOU and then you are all too aware that life can deal you these blows.

Unknown said...

I agree, the bubble has been popped. I was always afraid and aware that things could happen, but it is a different fear altogether when they have. This post is so close to my heart.