10 weeks - facing the fire

I cannot speak for all BLMs
(Baby Loss Mama)
but I think it is safe to say that when you lose a child
there is one thing that changes for everyone.
The bubble is popped.
The change happens
when your life shifts from a place where bad things can happen
to where bad thing do happen
and they happen to us.

We have stood in the fiery furnace,
walked into it, is more accurate I suppose.
I think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego
and wonder
would they trust again
if they had to face a second time,
the blazing furnace?

Last night as I busied myself in the kitchen
I watched from my sink window as my son Noah and his daddy
played happily in the back yard
while Tim monitored the meat cooking on the nearby grill.
For a moment, it felt like the family we were
before we lost Amelia...
Noah was giggling
as he stopped to say "hi Mama" at the kitchen window
before running out of site to the corner of the yard
where Tim stood chatting with one of our neighbors.
I had just grabbed a mixing spoon and spatulas
from the dishwasher
and as I opened the drawer to put them away
I noticed that it was suddenly quiet outside.
Something in my gut urged me to check on Noah.

As I poked my head out of our kitchen door
onto the breezeway that separates our back from front yard,
I saw Noah
chasing his ball down the front yard - headed for the street.
I panicked and called out his name, but he didn't hear me.
I ran frantically down our driveway yelling for him to stop.

He made it into the street.
His ball made it to the grassy median on the other side.
I made it just in time to swoop him up.
As we made our way safely back to the breezeway
I saw the spoon and spatulas scattered on the bricks and thought,
what if I had put them away first...

After Amelia,
it's no longer the what ifs, but the what wills that haunt me.
Back in the house, Tim echoed my thoughts as he confessed,
while he watched in slow motion, his thoughts were
A car is going to hit Noah, not a car could hit Noah.
The bubble is burst.
Bad things do happen
and they happen to us.

So this morning, I find myself wondering
would I go back into the furnace
if the Lord called my name?
Will I trust that he will not lead me
where he will not deliver me?

Will I say, here I am Lord, send me?
If I have learned anything from our journey with Amelia,
it is to trust God's plan for our family.
Along with our sorrow,
God has provided so much joy and peace.
He gave us Amelia
and he took her home after two short hours.
It wasn't our plan, but it was his.
He led us through it all, and leads us still.

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.

O Israel, the one who formed you says,

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

Isaiah 43:1-3