Wednesday, October 27, 2010

13 Weeks - Lost.

In the months leading up to Amelia's birth
it was made clear to me what I was supposed to be doing.
I prayed night and day for God to lead us through the valley
delivering all of us safely to the other side.
It may sound strange, but during the pregnancy,
and even the first days following her death,
I was at peace.
I felt my life had direction.
I was clear what God was asking us to do with our lives and hers.
Were were focused on Amelia's time with us;
making every kick, every moment count.
We took it all in, lived in the moment,
and trusted entirely in the plans the Lord had for our family.
Though the path before us was dark and twisty,
God gave us "just enough light for the step we were on."
We didn't have room in our hearts and minds for
worry about where God was leading
we just followed His lead.

It was the darkest time of our lives,
until now.

These days,
I have been shocked to find myself a bit lost.
We had such focus and purpose when she was here!
We had cause to move forward.
But now I find myself often feeling off balance and directionless.
Each day further from her birth
hurts a bit more.
Is it silly that I thought it would get easier with each day?

I know that I cannot live this way.
I cannot move forward
with my eyes fixed on where we have been
rather than where God is leading.
And so I do the only thing I can do...
keep praying.

I pray that it gets easier.
I pray for just a bit more light
I pray to remain cross sighted.
I pray that the Lord continue to use us to do his work.
I pray that the Lord continue to use Amelia to do his work.

Prayer of Release
from DaySpring Devotions - Roy Lessin

I know the one in whom I trust,
and I am sure that He is able to guard
what I have entrusted to Him until the day of His return.
2 Timothy 1:12

Heavenly Father, I release to you the burdens that I have been carrying, burdens that You never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You, all my worries, all my fears.

Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart, still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things I have been hanging onto, with opened hands I come to You.

I thank You for Your promise to sustain me, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time, and in Your way. Amen.

(thanks for this Lois...praying with you!)


Melissa said...

someone told me it gets harder...took a week before I understood. love that verse someone shared it with me last week.

prayers and tears with you,

Jen said...

Sometimes I don't know if I am lost, or just traveling in a circle, always returning to the dark days. Thank you for being so open.

Unknown said...

I pray that it does get easier for you. I think there are times when we do feel a little more lost. The ebb and flow of grief.

pennynjon said...

I am praying for you Melissa. I have felt the same way since Ella passed. I remember there were so many times during my pregnancy I thought that it was so hard, but I still had the comfort that Ella was there with me. Please email me if you ever need someone to talk to! Love you<3

Stephanie said...

I think we all feel that way. There is a profound 'nothingness' after death. You prepare, you have purpose, you 'try' to get ready for the pain, you make memories with the time you have, you give birth, have a funeral ~ then 'emptiness' envelopes your world.

I have been there, some days still am there. . .right where you are. Life has gone fast forward for me and at the same time (even with a pregnancy after loss of Amelia Rose) there are days that I am so sad, desperate for God's voice and direction. I can't say that I have found it gets easier. I can say that I have learned to bear 'it' more easily. It becomes a 'new normal' part of your life and you begin to navigate within it again.

Mary said...

Glad to know I am not the only one who has these lost feelings. I find the grief process almost like a rollercoaster, there are lots of ups and downs. I go in and out of the loss feeling just like I have good and bad days. I don't think it gets easier, I just think we learn to cope with it.

Brooke said...

I know the EXACT feeling. I was just thinking that today. It's harder, not easier many days. It's been that much longer since I held him, saw him....

CynthiaS said...

I agree with everyone else, praying with you!

Unknown said...

Praying with you. *hugs* I have definitely felt this way from time to time.