Wednesday, October 20, 2010

12 weeks - Haunted

As Halloween approaches,
I have begun to wonder how long I will be haunted.
Haunted by the "would have been" and "should have been's"
Daily I find myself chasing the shadows.

Today marks twelve weeks since Amelia birth.
If she had lived I might just now be returning to the office
pump bag in hand, ready to relearn the balance of working/nursing mother.

If she were here, we might be trying to squeeze in one last daytime play date with two of my Chi Omega sisters and their precious babies born in the weeks following Amelia.

If she were here, I would have a double stroller
with no empty seat.

If she were here, there would be a white crib in Amelia's room rather than the double bed we had waiting...just in case she got to come home for a few days.
There would be a rocker just for her at our house rather than at our church in her memory.

If she were here, I would have been bustling about
in search of the cutest & pinkest baby Halloween costume.
Her closet would no doubt be overflowing with clothes because
Gramma J just couldn't resist the little bows on this one, or ruffles on that one...

Maybe she would be sleeping through the night by now.
Maybe we would have a well baby visit to Dr. Moore's office scheduled today.

Would have been.
Should have been.
Could have been.

And still, though I remain haunted by so many things;
would haves, could haves, should haves...
There is unending joy in the
what is rather than what could have been.
Our daughter is in the arms of our Savior.
and though my arms remain painfully empty,
my heart overflows,
because I will never be haunted by
what is.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
Revelation 7:17


Kara said...

Beautiful Melissa! It's comforting to read the ending of your post - the "What Is" is something we can be sure of and take comfort in. It's so hard not to think of the should be's though!

Happy 12 Weeks in Jesus' arms Amelia!

Unknown said...

Oh so true! You think about the the should, would, and coulds but there is the truth that we can stand firm in.

Mary said...

The What Is is what makes it all bearable, knowing that one day we will be with our babies again!

Jennifer said...

The What Is is the only thing that makes the days easier to live. This was such a sweet post! Love and hugs!

CynthiaS said...

thinking of you, I almost bought an infant costume just because it was cute and I wished I could have put it on Olivia. It's so hard to not think about the "what ifs" but you are right, she is safe in the arms of Jesus and you will be with Amelia again one day!

Unknown said...

Well said. Funny how I come to read your posts, just when I can completely relate. I was thinking this earlier today as the 27th marks our one year since diagnosis day. Many *hugs* to you and always thinking of you and Amelia. Truly inspiring post, thank you.