Friday, October 22, 2010

Don't ask me...

These days,
there are questions I don't even ask myself.
Correction - there is one question I don't ask myself...

Do you think you will have more children?

I can't even allow myself to think of being pregnant again.
And yet, I can't imagine Noah as our only living child.
We already have the family I always said I wanted;
one boy. one girl.
We should be done making babies.

That being said,
Tim and I have experienced a bit of a paradigm shift
since losing our sweet little Amelia.
We have learned
what it really means to trust in our Lord's plans for us
and for our family.
We have learned what it feels like to let go and let God.
It feels scary.
It feels foolish.
It is against our nature...
against our sinful, human nature.

I am still so amazed (though I shouldn't be)
at the ways in which God has blessed us,
and continues to bless us,
through the life and death of our daughter.
He carried us through the fire.
If I cannot trust him now,
after all he has done,
I have learned nothing.

Just about 13 months ago,
our Lord entrusted us with his beloved daughter.
And then this July, he took her home.
She was amazing, absolutely amazing.
She was a gift we did not deserve.
Her absence will be ever present in our lives.

Will God entrust us with another of his precious children?
I really don't know.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that
although I know the Lord will hear my prayer,
there are some things
I'm just too afraid to ask for.



"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!
Luke 11:9-13

4 comments:

pennynjon said...

Huge Hugs to you! That post brought me to tears. It is so hard...

Jennifer said...

My sweet friend, I am praying for you! Love ya!

Kara said...

Sigh. It really is so hard. Karinne made our family complete as well - the way I always longed for - 2 girls and 2 boys. And yet...

elena said...

Definitely hard to think about this. *hugs*