a change

Back in August,
you might recall a post detailing the story behind
Noah's "ahhfly for sisa."

I am excited to share that
the butterfly we took to Amelia's grave
a few weeks back is still there
in the same spot,
but with one small change.

The rain & elements have begun to wash away its color.
It is a changed butterfly.
No longer a bright blue,
it is now almost white.

I had planned on waiting for it to be completely transformed
before I shared our new "white" ahhfly with you
but I just couldn't wait to show you
what God is doing.

In my prayers I had, selfishly & foolishly,
asked God to keep sending us butterflies (even in the winter)
He is still sending me butterflies.
And as if that isn't enough,
God is clothing Amelia's little butterfly;
in his color of choice,
white.
It's no miracle by any stretch,
or then again maybe it is,
but it means so much to me.

It's a reminder of the miracle God has already given us
in his son, Jesus.
He has washed away our blues.
He has clothed us in white;
a gown & soul bought and paid for
white as snow.

"For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ"

Galatians 3:27

“Come now, let’s settle this,”says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool.
Isaiah 1:18

The Resurrection
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."
Matthew 28

9 Weeks

Do not stand by my grave and weep
For I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am diamonds that glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of butterflies in joyous flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.

I Am Not There - Unknown

2 Months today

Where Joy and Sorrow Meet

-Avalon

There's a place of quiet stillness

between the light and shadows reach

Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace

Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet

Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet

There is a place where hope remains

In crowns of thorns and crimson stains

And tears that fall on Jesus' feet

Where joy and sorrow meet

There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat

Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief

For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak

Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet

There's a place of thirst and hunger

where the roots of faith grow deep

And there is rain and rolling thunder

when the road is rough and steep

There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat

At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet

a little prayer

If you have a moment today I would ask you to please say a little prayer for me...

today is my first day back at work.

I'm not going to try and explain
all the emotions I am am feeling today
but I know so many of you
that read Amelia's blog have already braved
your first day back at work.
You know exactly where I am at,
you've been there before.

So please, if you would,
say a little prayer for me today.

 "Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. "Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.

Isaiah 49:15-16 

8 Weeks

Butterflies have taken on a new
and special place in my heart since Amelia's death.

They are often considered a spiritual symbol for life after death

because of their metamorphosis

from a caterpillar that crawls on the ground

to a beautiful, ethereal creature

that flies in the sky.

So many times since her death

I have been comforted by a little butterfly.

They have appeared at just the right times

and just the right places.

Baseball games, family outings without her,

on the day of Tim's Aunt's funeral.

They have comforted us so often in fact,

that the other day I turned to Tim and with complete sincerity

asked him,

"Do you think God will still send butterflies to us in the winter?"

The symbolic similarities between butterflies

and our little Amelia's passing are numerous.

Some obvious,

others I am just learning of.

The other day at the zoo

Noah and I, along with Lydia & Angee,

visited the butterfly pavilion.

I discovered something I hadn't known about butterflies that day.

I noticed a sign as we made our way through the exhibit.

The sign detailed how a butterfly emerges from its chrysalis.

I was so tickled to read that after emerging from the chrysalis

a butterfly then rest for 2-8 hours

allowing its wings to harden before it can fly.

I instantly thought of our little Amelia

who spent just 2 precious hours on this earth.

How lovely to think of her as a butterfly

that rested in our arms

just long enough for her wings to harden

before she spread her wings and

flew to the heavens.

I love butterflies

and Mommy loves you, Amelia Grace.

My Sleeping Angels

This photo was taken by my uncle Allen

when we arrived at the cemetery

following Amelia's service.

Rather than ride in a hearse

we wanted Amelia to ride

for the last time,

the only time,

to the cemetery with us

as a family.

The ride to the cemetery was a long

and slow paced precession.

I was so grateful for that time,

and our car ride together

as a family.

I remember looking back to discover

that Noah had fallen fast asleep.

It struck me in that moment

that both my children

were safely sleeping

in our Pilot.

It's funny the things I cling to

in these dark days.

I can assure you,

we will never sell the Honda.

It held,

and still holds,
far too much to let go of.

7 weeks

Wednesdays belong to Amelia.

As we have traveled this road with our little Amelia
Wednesdays have become set apart
from the rest of the week.
Amelia was born on a Wednesday,
baptized on a Wednesday,
died on a Wednesday,
buried on a Wednesday,
each "would be" milestone
falls on Wednesday.

Amelia will forever be our precious daughter,
will always hold a place in our family
and our hearts.
And now I have decided,
she will be my Wednesday.
I will blog on Wednesdays
(maybe a few other days to!)
I will light her candle each Wednesday
and I will set Wednesday aside,
for her.

Wednesdays belong to Amelia.

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child must work for a living,

But the child that's born on the Sabbath day,

Is fair and wise and good and gay.

Author Unknown

from Erin

6 weeks

Last week we purchased the first of several highchairs to be donated to Mount Olive Lutheran Church in Amelia's name.

Sweet Amelia,
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you,
say your name,
or praise God for giving us you.
We miss you.
Mommy misses you.
Until we meet again...

All my love,
Mommy

Prayer Request

I have a special request today.
I am writing to ask for your prayers for Tim's Mom.
She continues to recover (very, very slowly)
from the bacteria in her lungs
for which she was hospitalized
the week of Amelia's birth and death.

Illness aside, yesterday was a very difficult day for her.
Yesterday Karen lost her sister Marceil
who recently suffered a stroke.
She was a very special lady full of life & laughter.
She will be missed dearly by anyone who knew her.
Yesterday was also the anniversary
her daughter Rachel's birth.
Rachel is Tim's older sister who died as an infant.
I know many of you who have followed our journey
share with us in the loss of a child,
and know just how difficult these "milestone" days can be
even years after the fact.
The loss is immeasurable.

I am hoping she will not mind
that I have shared her loss here.
As we all know, prayer is a very powerful thing,
and I feel compelled to ask of you
to lift her up in prayer as I have been.

Listen to me, O house of Jacob,

all you who remain of the house of Israel,

you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,

and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,

I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you;

I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:3-4

"I Knew You" by artist Shannon Wirrenga

In this very room...

Today would have been Amelia's baptism day.

One of the most difficult parts of losing Amelia
are the "if she was here now" moments.
These moments often catch me off guard.
Today was no different.

Almost as if I were marking the day
I wore the dress
I bought for her funeral to church today.
Maybe I'd have purchased the same dress for her baptism day
had things ended up differently.

It is probably no surprise to those who know me well,
that I had already begun a spreadsheet
and several documents detailing plans for Amelia's baptism
in the weeks before her diagnosis.
Sponsors had been chosen, though not formally asked.
Tim and I had already begun discussing what meat to serve.
I had a vision for the cake.
I had chosen her gown...

As it was,
Amelia Grace Lorang
was baptized on on Wednesday morning
at Bergan Mercy Hospital
in an OR suite.

It was not the day I thought it would be.
But it was the day God had in mind,
and his plans are perfect.
Sometimes pain filled, but always perfect.

the day,
the daughter,
the reunion,
all perfect.

Jesus said,

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,

for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19:14

saying goodbye

Last night was the last baseball game
to be played at Rosenblatt Stadium.
I had hesitated to go back
to any of the last games played
at the Blatt following Amelia's death.
I wanted my last game there to be with her.

We have been to two Royals games
since that final College World Series game with her.

At the first game after she left us
I found myself just outside the gates
feeling as if I was betraying her by coming.
And then I saw it,
a butterfly
winding it way trough the gates
and into the netting of the "try your speed" batting cage.
A gentle reminder that though we had to go on apart
Amelia is still
and always will be
with us.

Last night, at the final game
I again felt the sting of her absence.
I wished so badly
that we could have shared this last game with her,
along with a lifetime of memories as a family.
As we made our way back to the car
a deep sadness came over me.
She should have been here with us!

Waiting in our car was a gift from our friends Joe & Mary.
Joe had told me to wait to open it
until we got home from the game.
He had meant to give it to me before Amelia was born.
As I pushed aside the tissue paper
a smile made its way across my face,
it was a pink baseball bat and ball, engraved with her name.
Yet another perfectly timed,
sweet reminder that our baby girl,
is with us still.

look closely

In the weeks following Amelia's death
I have found myself,
more often than not,
unable to blog.

Noah and I have kept busy
with doctors appointments
mini adventures,
birthday party planning,
lunch dates with friends,
scrap booking her pictures
laundry and cleaning...
anything really that I can to keep moving.
I force myself to leave the house once a day.
I have to.

And though on the inside I feel
like a hollow shell of the woman I once was,
I hear compliments day in and out
regarding how strong,
brave, etc. I am.

But they don't seem to notice the change in me.
If they did
they would see a slightly different figure.
They would see me as I am;
a broken woman.

I pray they don't look to close
because if they did,

They might see the dark circles under my eyes,
from a sleep cycle that is still confused
not to find a hungry infant at 12 am, 3 am or 6am.

They might notice my worn and chipped toe nail polish,
which I had done with my Mom just before having Amelia,
and might wonder why I don't re-paint them.

They might miss that I am wearing a broken watch
set at 11:06
the hour and minute she left us.

If someone looked too close
they might be left a bit unsettled
by each small, unnoticeable thing...

and still,
they might also catch a smile or tear of joy
or see her name engraved on my necklace
and on my heart
and rejoice that she was here,
as we do.

They might be blessed to see God at work
carefully walking us through the darkness.

They could come to know the comfort we have found.
The peace that settles over me
even at 12am, 3am and 6 am.

If they must,
I pray they look close
and see the one who sees them as they are;
broken.

I pray they call out to the God
they had been missing
and find the assurance
He never left them at all.

But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth.

Timothy 4:17

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

"ahhfly for Sisa"

Noah and I made a last minute
birthday cake supply run to Hobby Lobby Thursday.
As you might imagine,
Hobby Lobby is not Noah's favorite place to shop.

As we carefully made our way through the isles,
 keeping little hands inside the cart at all times,
something blue caught Noah's attention.

For those of you who know my son well, you might assume
that the "something blue" must be Thomas the Train.
but, Noah exclaimed "Mama, Get ahhfly!" "Sisa fowers."

For those of you who don't speak Whale or Noah,
let me translate.
"I want the butterfly Mom, and flowers for Sister."
I can't believe I didn't break down crying
right there in the middle of the store.

I try not to give in
and buy Noah whatever he wants when we shop,
but not this Thursday.
We got the ahhfly
as well as some little pink flowers Noah chose.

While Noah napped,
I wrapped them together and added a note for Sisa.
I think they turned out OK.



click image to enlarge

4 Weeks & Noah's Birthday

If God is here for us and not elsewhere,
then in fact this place is holy and this moment is sacred.

Isabel Anders

 

Today marks 4 weeks since the birth of Amelia Grace.

It is also our son Noah's 2nd birthday.

We are planning a trip to the zoo with Gramma J.

We went to the zoo every chance we could while we were pregnant with Amelia.

It will always be a special place.

It is the first time I have been there without her

and my heart is breaking

yet, I can't imagine a place I'd rather be

to mark this milestone.

I found myself lying in bed in the early hours this morning

recalling her birth and the moments, hours and days that followed.

Strangely the images of her body after death are more vivid
while my memories of those moments seem more distant
as if I were watching the moments unfold
rather than being a part of them.

My memories of her alive are cloudy and unsequential and yet they are so filled with her spirit and a peace that I cannot put down in words.
It was as close to heaven as I have ever been.

Amelia Grace Lorang was born at 9:02 am
on a Wednesday

at Bergan Mercy Hospital in Omaha, Nebraska.
She was radiant.

To me it was just as it was in Bethlehem
so many years ago.

The world was silent and the only thing that mattered

was one precious little baby,
love's pure light.

 

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

Holy Infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!

Christ, the Saviour is born

Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming grace

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth "

Happy Birthday sweet baby girl.
We love you and miss you beyond words.

Mommy

My Sunshine

I am changed in so many ways

because she was here.

I feel at a loss

unable to explain the way I now see things.

the darkness

the light

the beauty

the emptiness

of this world for me

I have tried to blog at least twenty times

but nothing really comes out the way

I want it to.

But I saw this flower a few weeks back

on our first family outing without her.

When I saw it

it just reminded me of her

and of a sweet song

I never got to sing her.

I sang it to Noah

and Amelia today.

I hope she heard.

You are my sunshine

my only sunshine

you make me happy

when skies are gray

You'll never know dear

how much I love you

please don't take

my sunshine away.

Flowers

3 Weeks

It was just about this time 3 weeks ago that we were welcoming our sweet little Amelia into the world. It was a wonderful day that I will cling to all my life. What a blessing she was and continues to be.

I absolutely love receiving emails from people who have followed Amelia's story and have allowed God to work in their lives through her small but mighty life. It gives me just the smallest peek into the greater plans God intends for her life on earth and in heaven. It brings me so much joy to know you have been touched, as we have, by our Amelia Grace. Thank you for your emails and for sharing your story with us.

My days remain filled with both the joy of being Amelia's mother and the sorrows of being the mother of a baby who went to heaven long before we were ready to say goodbye.

Yesterday as we traveled, the sky was dark as we enjoyed (yet another) rainy day. The rain will forever remind me of our little Amelia, as the months that I carried her were filled with rain, flooding and more rain. In a previous blog entry, I reflected on God's promise "that it will not rain forever." Yesterday, God renewed that promise with our family. As we drove, we were blessed with not one, but two rainbows. I know, I know, a rainbow is common place, and far from a miracle. And still, Tim and I could not recall the last time we had seen one. We marveled over the colors, thought of our little girl, and the promises God has already fulfilled in our lives and the lives of "strangers" through her brief life.

We know God loves us and will not abandon us.
I know it,
but it sure feels good to be reminded sometimes.
Just in case
we lose sight of His rainbow
through the clouds.

Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.” Then God said to Noah, “Yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17

The day she was born...

I have seen variations of this saying

that say the Angels danced rather than God.

I think it is a lovely thought

and I have no doubt the God and Angels

rejoice at the birth of His precious children.

But since Amelia's death I have wondered

what God and the angels did when she died.

Did they dance?

Did they sing?

Did they cry?

Did they cradle her like a baby?

Or release her like a butterfly?

No doubt she was welcomed home with love.

That is how she was welcomed here.

And still, I wonder.

Did the angels miss her while she was here with us

like we miss her now that

she is home?

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139:7-12

2 Weeks - Your Hands

Has is really been 2 weeks since we held you in our arms?
Mommy & Daddy miss you so much.
Noah looks at your picture everyday Sisa.
There were so many things about you
that we marveled over in the short time we had you with us.
Your lips, your feet
your hands...


Your Hands
JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Nurse Angee

I have heard many times
that it is good to have a lawyer & a doctor in the family.
I don't have a lawyer, though I know a few.
I do have some excellent doctors,
but I am not related to any of them.
I do however, have a nurse
and I believe nurse trumps lawyer and doctor.
Think I am wrong?
Clearly you have not met Nurse Angee.

The care we received at Bergan was outstanding.
To be honest, even the food was pretty dang good.
But no one compares to Angee.
She is more than an amazing nurse, she is my best friend.

She was there when I delivered Noah,
and she was there for Amelia.
She helped us bathe her,
heard her sweet voice,
held her, wrapped her and loved her.

I could not have shared these intimate moments with a stranger.

I needed Angee.
Amelia needed Angee.

I wish I had the words.
I'm hoping this picture is worth a thousand
because all I can conjure up is
Thank you.

Thoughts on Amelia's Service

Before it becomes too far removed from my memory
I feel I should mention Amelia's service.
It was lovely.
Not that I ever want to have another one.
But if it had to be done,
I prefer it be as thought out and planned as a birthday party, wedding or anniversary.
It was a special day.

There were things that were important to me,
others that were not.
One of the things that mattered to me was that those that gather
to morn and to celebrate Amelia Grace
heard God's word,
knew where Amelia is now,
and knew that is where they wanted to be too.

I know it is where I want to be
with her
and Him.

My grandmother mailed me a little note
in the days following Amelia's funeral.
In it she expressed a sentiment
that could possibly be misinterpreted by some
but I heard her loud and clear.
She closed her note with the words,
"My hope is that I can join her in the near future."
Amelia's GiGi is 91 years old, I am 29 years old
but we are both homesick,
we both want to hold our loved ones already there.
To hold them and to be in their presence
and His.

We know we are called to continue our work here.
We rejoice in our time here,
but we know what awaits us.
If it is possible for Heaven to sound any more perfect,
the simple fact that little Amelia is there
makes heaven seem that much sweeter.

...........................................................

But, back to the service (sorry, this post is all over the place)
There were several songs & musical selections that touched me in Amelia's service.
As they should, since I chose all but two of them. :)
Interestingly enough,
The two songs I didn't choose
were the one's that I have cherished the most in these 12 days.

Tim wanted to leave the church singing, 'Til We Meet Again
and so we did.
Everyday since, I have thought to myself with longing
the text of this old hymn-
until we meet again sweet baby girl...

The second song was
Rock a Bye Baby
sung by my son Noah.
He only knows a few of the words,
and generally speaking has no real grasp of his "sisa's"
death or life.
But he knows she was here, and that she was his.
He loves sisa.

As we processed on Wednesday,
Tim with Amelia in his arms
and Noah and I just behind him,
Noah recited words that broke my heart to hear,
bye-bye baby, night night baby, bocka bye baby...

I know she heard him singing.
In heaven it must have sounded like
hosts of angels in perfect song.
A humble offering of song,
but oh so sweet of a gift,
from Amelia's big brother.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Lips

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

-Kahlil Gibran

I have returned to this text over and over again. It is one of the few "non biblical" texts that offers truth and hope in the midst of an unbearable amount of sadness.

I hurt because she is gone,

I rejoice because she was here.

which is greater?

deeper?

which will I allow to overtake me

and leave me breathless?

I choose joy.

I choose Amelia.

It has been difficult to blog over the past 9 days.

I have wanted to

but all I can think to type is

it hurts so much

it hurts so, so, very much.

But there is much more to say

and so much more that I am feeling...

did you see her lips?

I have dreams about them.

They were so luscious

that we even noticed them in the ultrasounds!

Tim and I both have very thin lips.

We have no idea where they came from

but we love/d them.

Oh my, those lips.

I have never loved any lips more in my life. (sorry Tim)

Birthday & Maternity Photos

Don't forget to scroll down and pause the music player at the bottom before you start the video!

Perfect Baby

Words cannot describe how gorgeous she was

and I am certain, how gorgeous she is now

in heaven.

For us time stands still.

We are still there in those

2 precious hours

with our children.

All I can say is

she was perfect.

Too perfect to stay.

Prayer Request

Just wanted to post a quick thank you for all of you who have been praying for our family and also to ask for your continued prayer as we navigate these difficult days following the death of our precious baby girl.

We have also been facing some additional family struggles as Tim's mother, Karen is battling illness. Friday as Tim and I left the hospital without our baby girl, Karen was being admitted to Creighton University Medical Center. The doctors have since identified 3 masses in her lungs that are cause for concern. She will likely continue to be hospitalized in the upcoming week.

Please keep her and our family in your continued prayer. We have felt the power of your prayers in the past weeks and months, and know, that Gods hears and answers our prayers.

We are so grateful for each prayer lifted up.

In constant prayer,
Melissa and Tim

Please Join Us

Services for Amelia Grace Lorang

will be held
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
at

Mount Olive Lutheran Church

7301 N. 28th Ave

Omaha, NE

9:00 am – 10:00 am Visitation/Viewing - Mount Olive

10:30 am – Funeral Service - Mount Olive

11:30 am – Graveside Service - Evergreen Memorial Park

Luncheon to follow services - Mount Olive (Luther Hall)

Amelia Grace Lorang

Build A(n) Amelia Bear

Click here to see all the Build A Bear Pictures

Unfortunately, there have been mommies before me
that have had to face saying
both hello
and goodbye
to their precious babies
in what seems the same breath.

Fortunately, those mommies (and daddies)
have opened their hearts and arms to us
as we face
well, tomorrow.

One such mother shared with me that her family had gone to
Build A Bear and made each sibling a bear
containing a recording of their baby's heartbeat.
Today we made the trip to Build A Bear,
Amelia's recorded heartbeat in hand,
and made two stuffed animals
one for Noah
and one for Mommy.

Noah and Daddy named his fishing bear
Mackerel "Mac" the Monkey.
My bear is named the only name that came to mind,
Amelia Grace.

In 12 hours we will finally meet
our little Amelia.
Only God knows how much time we will have together.
We are in constant prayer,
knowing in full, He will take care of it all.

.................

A familiar verse shared with me today,

For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

grains of sand

Click to enlarge this image

from Psalm 91

For he will rescue you from every trap

and protect you from deadly disease.

He will cover you with his feathers.

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,

nor the arrow that flies in the day.

Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,

nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

For he will order his angels

to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you up with their hands

so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.

I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer;

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue and honor them."

- from Psalm 91

Big Brother Noah

click on this image to enlarge it.

He named him Noah and said,

"He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands

caused by the ground the LORD has cursed."

~Genesis 5:29

The tears fall so quickly in these last days.

And still...

we find ourselves

so incredibly blessed

by both our children.

more from the garden

click the image to enlarge

Funeral Pall

 "For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ"

Galatians 3:27

In the weeks following Amelia's diagnosis

we were given several special gifts.

This baptismal onesie was one of them.

On Amelia's baptism day
we will not have a chance to dress her
in this sweet white garment,
but she will be clothed in a different way.
She will be Clothed in Christ.

Mount Olive has a special funeral tradition. That tradition is the covering of the casket with a cloth called a pall. As you can imagine, the funeral pall typically used at Mount Olive is far to large for our itty bitty Amelia. So, rather than the pall, we have chosen to use this baptismal clothing to cover her casket.
I think it will work perfectly.

I found some historical background on the tradition of a funeral pall I thought I would share for those of you that may be unfamiliar...

A pall is simply a large cloth that covers the casket. Centuries ago, when the pall was first used, it was generally black, the color of death and mourning. In Scotland the black pall was called a "mort-cloth"; it was used to cover the bodies of the poor who could not afford caskets. In the Netherlands, even the horses that drew the hearse were draped with a black pall.
Today, palls are usually white. As part of the liturgical renewal that has followed Vatican II, the primary emphasis in Catholic funerals has moved from mourning the death to expressing hope in the resurrection. Other communions as well have adopted liturgies that resonate with the promise that all who are baptized into Christ have "clothed themselves" with Christ, and that all who are buried with Christ in baptism will be raised with him in newness of life. Palls are often adorned with Christian symbols that focus on Christ and on the resurrection.

The pall helps the congregation focus on the worship of God and the hope of the resurrection.

The white color of the pall reminds those assembled of their faith in the resurrection and further symbolizes putting on the robe of Christ's righteousness in baptism. It is especially appropriate to recall baptism— the beginning of a Christian life—as the body of someone who has faithfully served Christ during life enters the church for the last time.

Amelia will more than likely enter the church only once in her time with us.
On that day she will be covered by this onesie
used as a baptismal pall.
It will remind us all of our baptism day
and the hope of new life in the resurrection of our Lord.
Amelia will be clothed in this onsie
on the day of her funeral
just as she will be clothed in Christ
eternally.

Love Letter

Sweet Amelia,

Today marks the beginning of our last week together with you safely tucked inside Mommy's belly. We have known for the last 4 months that this day would come along with several difficult days and months to follow, and now, here we are.

There are indeed so many things that we had wanted to show you in this life. Far to many of those things we will not have the chance to share with you. But there is one thing that I know you can feel and understand, and that is our love for you. A parent's love, is a love like no other. I know that you can sense our love, even now, despite any earthly limitations of your small developing body and mind.

Now you understand this love in part; soon you will understand in full, all things.

And still, in our certainty of your knowledge of our love for you, your father and I continue to feel compelled to express that love to you daily.

We love you Amelia Grace.

Mommy & Daddy

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

The verse above is my confirmation verse.

At the time it was given to me, I suppose my pastor hoped it would be a source of comfort in the years following the confirmation of my faith.

I'm sure he hoped I would revisit this verse,

hoped I would treasure it,

maybe even cling to it.

If he had those hopes

he can rest assured.

I'm clinging.

9 days.

I start today by facing the darkness.
Today marks only 9 days remaining
until the birth of Amelia Grace.
single digits.
Would there ever have been enough days with her
safely tucked inside?

I have begun to look at life,
in this new world I find myself in,
in list form.

My list categorizes day to day issues, feelings and events
into one of two columns
Things I know for sure
and
Things I don't know at all

It's a long list on both sides.
As you may have guessed
the things I don't know at all side
is a bit longer than the things I know for sure.

There are a few things on the list that haunt me.
Namely,

I know
My daughter will not live without me
but I don't know
how I will live without her

There is only one thing on the list
that offers any comfort...

I know
Amelia will rest in the arms of Jesus
and though I don't know when my day will come
I will join her there someday.

If I am totally honest with myself
and with you
I will admit that some days
what I know and what I feel don't quite match up.

Today my mind knows
Jesus is enough.

but today
my heart is screaming out
I just want my baby
she would be enough.

And still...

Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, “Where is this God of yours?” My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration! Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my Savior and my God!

Psalm 42:3-6

Amelia's first camping trip

click the image to enlarge

He will carry you.

"Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:3-4

I have come back to this verse so many times on this journey.

Each time I read it I feel as if God is revealing a new secret to me.

In the beginning it was a source of comfort.

God will take care of Amelia.

He knows her and He loves her.

He made her and will carry her safely through

her life

and her death.

In the days that followed

I found encouragement in this verse.

God has carried me since my own conception.

He was not only there at my beginning,

He is the beginning.

He has been at my side every day of my life.

He will not abandon me.

I do not carry the burden alone.

he said,

I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

On the days where I have found it difficult to keeping walking

the road He has laid out before me,

He gives me strength

for each step,

and with each breath

He sustains me.

He says to me,

to Amelia,

to Noah,

to Tim,

to all of us...

I have made you and I will carry you.

hopes

I have many hopes for Amelia's birthday.
The one hope that is foremost in my mind today
is this...

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to miss a minute
in tears.

I'm not sure how I am going to be able to control this one...
and before you start thinking to yourself
that I should allow myself to cry,
let me explain why I'd rather go without
the tears.

If I cry, I won't be able to see clearly
my gorgeous baby girl.
We don't get a second chance at these
moments.
And moments it seems,
is all we will get with our daughter.

I want to see clearly
each curve of her face,
the shape of her eyes,
the color of her cheeks,
each wrinkle
in each finger and toe,
elbows, knees,
lips, ears.
I want to see it all.
Remember each detail
vividly,
not fogged with tears.

Even in the hours after she passes
I hope my eyes remain tearless
because I know
those few hours with her body
are the last hours
I will see her
until we meet again.

Until my daughter is out of my sight,
I ask
that my tears find another way out.
I want to see my daughter
on her birthday.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

super dad

In our family, everyone has their role to play.
When Noah falls (or more commonly smashes) into something and gets a boo-boo, he usually wants his mommy to make it feel better. As the sobs calm and the tears slow, we both look to Tim to do only one thing; fix it.
That's is what Tim does; he fixes things.
Sometimes his is able to fix something for me just by attempting to fix it.

On this journey there have been difficult days.
I have watched my husband struggle alongside me.
I can see his frustration and I know
he desperately wants to fix it.
But he can't.
He carries a heavy load as Super Dad.
He makes the forts, fixes the broken toys, and drives the car safely through the storms.
He's not perfect,
but Noah doesn't know that and neither does Amelia.
Sometimes I forget too...

Yesterday we had regular OB visit in the afternoon followed by a visit to Bergan Mercy to tour the new labor & delivery rooms/floor with our "nurse Angee" and then met with a hospice nurse and neonatologist to go over our plans for Amelia's birthday.

There were so many parts of yesterday that were challenging.
Not the least of which,
viewing the gowns the hospital has on hand
for babies like Amelia.
Gowns for babies whose parents did not come
to the hospital
prepared for a funeral.
Tim had to turn away.

This hurt is sometimes more than we can bear.
Sometimes I think about the sadness our Lord must feel
for us as we stumble through this life.
Just like any father
cannot stand to see their child hurting,
it must be hard, even for Him
to watch us hurting
knowing he has the power to heal Amelia.
Knowing he can fix it.

And still,
He has a plan for us.
He does not delight in our pain.
He just knows and sees what we cannot.
He has already fixed it.

My thoughts race back to Noah...
When he falls;
we pick him up and patch up whatever damage has been done
Apply a band aide,
a cold pack,
maybe Tylenol...
Sometimes his tears last long beyond what is reasonable.
But we let him cry it out.
It hurts to watch him,
but we just hold him until he is ready
to admire his Thomas the Train band aid
and everything feels
all better.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18