Tuesday, August 31, 2010

look closely

In the weeks following Amelia's death
I have found myself,
more often than not,
unable to blog.

Noah and I have kept busy
with doctors appointments
mini adventures,
birthday party planning,
lunch dates with friends,
scrap booking her pictures
laundry and cleaning...
anything really that I can to keep moving.
I force myself to leave the house once a day.
I have to.

And though on the inside I feel
like a hollow shell of the woman I once was,
I hear compliments day in and out
regarding how strong,
brave, etc. I am.

But they don't seem to notice the change in me.
If they did
they would see a slightly different figure.
They would see me as I am;
a broken woman.

I pray they don't look to close
because if they did,

They might see the dark circles under my eyes,
from a sleep cycle that is still confused
not to find a hungry infant at 12 am, 3 am or 6am.

They might notice my worn and chipped toe nail polish,
which I had done with my Mom just before having Amelia,
and might wonder why I don't re-paint them.

They might miss that I am wearing a broken watch
set at 11:06
the hour and minute she left us.

If someone looked too close
they might be left a bit unsettled
by each small, unnoticeable thing...

and still,
they might also catch a smile or tear of joy
or see her name engraved on my necklace
and on my heart
and rejoice that she was here,
as we do.

They might be blessed to see God at work
carefully walking us through the darkness.

They could come to know the comfort we have found.
The peace that settles over me
even at 12am, 3am and 6 am.

If they must,
I pray they look close
and see the one who sees them as they are;

I pray they call out to the God
they had been missing
and find the assurance
He never left them at all.

But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth.
Timothy 4:17

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27


pennynjon said...

((HUGE HUGS)) I know it is hard to go through your daily routine and feel like no one understands how you feel. I am praying that God continues to give you peace and comfort.

Stephanie said...

I wish I could say that it gets easier ~ in some ways...it just changes. This time after our children leave us, is so defining.

We had so much purpose and things to plan, now ~ we have to sit in our skin (this very different and changed skin) that 'looks' the same to most everyone from the outside. No amount of preparation or planning could have shored us up for the devestation that IS LOOSING A CHILD TO DEATH.

Be gentle with yourself. Do what you need to, even if that means 'breaking down and throwing dishes at trees.' There is not a right way to proceed, just remember to keep breathing. And know that I will NEVER forget Amelia, or her life, how it blessed you, and how painful it is not to be holding her sweet perfection close to you right now.

pennynjon said...

Also, I love the new layout! I love the picture of Amelia's sweet face...so precious!

Lisette said...

I completely agree with Staphanie.

Jennifer said...

Before a loss, you never notice how this changes people. You want to see the same person, so you do. Only us and those closest to us realize the change this makes in who we are. I am praying for you daily! I am very proud of you for getting out everyday, but know that if you don't one day it will be alright. I still do not like to get out much. You are so brave and faithful! Keep it up mama! I like your new page also. It is very pretty. xoxo

Unknown said...

It is a truly changed view of the world we have from before we lost a child, to losing our child.

As always, an amazing post. I can relate completely to this post. *hugs*

Lori said...

I remember very few things from Matthew's funeral, really, but I do remember my pastor talking about David and how after his infant son died, he washed and put on lotion. He astounded people because they couldn't figure out why he would do that since the baby died, but wasn't before...and though I SO.DID.NOT.FEEL like that, I thought it was an important lesson from God--to not let my feelings boss my actions around. Of course, that's not always the case, because my feelings are so natural and so strong in their depth, but for some reason, I thought it was really important that I tried to do the same as David...to wash and put on lotion and not let myself fall to my own desires--which were pretty much to tuck myself into bed and not get out.

It's hard, but I am glad I try. I say try because it doesn't always work that way, but more often than not it does--and so when people say those same things, "You're so brave, you're so strong," I am able to not let my pain be wasted and tell them, "It sure as heck isn't me--it's supernatural."

These were beautiful words you've written.
Prayers continue.

Kara said...

Such a beautiful post Melissa. And so true. I feel this way every day - but hadn't known how to put it to words. Big hugs!


Unknown said...

This really struck a cord with me. If people would just look (really look) they would see but it doesn't usually happen.