Wednesday, March 14, 2012

waiting for the darkness

The weather outside today is nothing short of GORGEOUS! The last time I was out the thermometer on my SUV read 75 degrees!!

and still,
as the daylight ticks away I feel a change in the weather looming
as tears threaten --- cresting my lower lids.
My throat is tight as I swallow them away.
The tension is building.
The darkness is biding its time
waiting to swallow me up.

2 years tomorrow

Despite the sunshine pouring down outside the walls of my office, the darkness has already begun to wrap itself around my shoulders. The black hole of a day that awaits me. D-day. 
It's smothering.

Has it really been 2 years? I may as well have just heard those cold, haunting words for the first time today.

incompatible with life

So, I am starting, in the sunshine of today, to wrap my heart in a blanket of hope. I am turning to the only thing I know that has the power to concur the cold darkness of tomorrow.

His light.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

Romans 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

If you have a minute tomorrow --- I have a HUGE favor to ask.
would you mind?
If you feel compelled, would you send me a verse you love?
A verse of comfort.
A verse of  hope.
A verse of LOVE
a verse to light the way though a very dark day.
It would mean so much. truly.

you can post it here in the comments
or email it to me at

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

we can't go get her...

Saturday night one of Tim's buddies joined us for ribs and a night of Turkey calling/hunting DVDs. As we sat sticky fingered and chatting away around the table, Noah turned to Ryan and asked,
"Where's your brother and sister?"
Ryan responded that his brother was at his house.
"Get him!" Noah replied.
Tim and I giggled as Ryan continued to explain, "I don't have a sister."
"I have a sister," Noah says.
"I know you do..."
"But she's in heaven, so we can't go get her."

These are the moments I catch my self thinking... 
it's just not fair.

March 15th looms just around the corner
(diagnosis day - 2 years ago)
I find myself quick to tear up, edgy, emotional
and just a little bit sad.
The darkness is creeping in.

taking it to the cross today,
and everyday...