Saturday, December 01, 2012

Donate Life Nebraska PSA

Recently Tim and I had the chance to share Amelia Grace's story when we were asked to shoot a commercial for Donate Life Nebraska. I was emailed Friday to announce that it would be airing for the first time this weekend on KNOP during the Big 10 Championship game. (Go Big Red!) 

There is a link to the spot on their website below if you want to check it out. It is very short. We feel so blessed to be her parents and that her life continues to impact this world. :)

Monday, October 15, 2012

Remembering with you...

In Loving Memory
Rachel ALice
Morgan Jane
Christian Dominic
Amanda Grace
Lyndan Grace
Emily Sharon
Baby Baker
Amelia Rose
Lois's girls
Kris's babies
Baby Kahl
Sarah's baby

AMelia Grace
"Emma & Gabriel"

and so many more
on my lips and in my heart...

Wave of Light

Most of you that still read Amelia's bog (that is when I actually post something! :( ) are probably aware that October 15th (today) is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Worldwide there are many events, ceremonies, prayers and candles being lit in observance of the day and in memory of those lil' babes gone to soon.

As is true everyday, and today especially, we hold the precious memories of our sweet girl and our first little "beans" close to our hearts. I am truly blessed to be a mommy to all my sweet babies in this world and the next.

Only God could love you more. I'll be there as soon as I can...
Forever blowing kisses,

If you have lost a baby/ies or if you would like to remember with those who have I'd invite you to join in lighting a candle from 7pm -8 pm (in your own timezone) for the international Wave of Light.

God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. Genesis 1:4

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

 "May it [Jesus Christ]be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out." J.R.R. Tolkien

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

Saturday, October 06, 2012

just some Sam cuteness...

Treasuring every single moment with our precious rainbow!

Saturday, September 29, 2012

It's a boy!

Meet Doc.
You know like fishing doc(k)
or Doc Brown from Back to the Future
or Doc from Snow White...
It took us weeks to name him!

But now I'm thinking...
maybe we should have named him Sleepy?!?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Noah takes a BITE out of FOUR!

Happy 4th Birthday to the best big brother ever!
Noah is getting SOO big!
He even decorated the top of his own shark cake!!!

Friday, August 10, 2012

See Sam Go.

Click image to enlarge.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Sam is ONE!

My babies are 1, 2 and 3!
I can hardly believe it!!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Two years later and still...
my arms ache for her.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 33:20–21 & Psalm 34:18



Sunday, July 22, 2012

Donate Life Nebraska Trail Run & Hereos Walk

...just a few highlights from the Trail Run and Heroes Walk!
THANK YOU so much to each of you who ran or walked for making this day so special!
Happy birthday week sweet girl! love you. miss you.
big bro starting the walk

Miss Klare getting her digits on straight

Lil' bro was all smiles

 Jamie, Me & Leslie
Go Chi O!
water bottles in honor of the birthday girl

Jillian and Me

Lyndan's Family

ready to roll...

Haley's Family

dinosaurs  ;)

Joe and Mary

Grandpa Raabe & Gramma J

Everyone wore pink!

The Heroes Walk was lined with these signs honoring organ and tissue donors

watching for Miss Klare

checking out the firetruck

kinda dirty

the shirts and the sweet babies we remember

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Can I include your baby?

Calling all baby loss mom and dad's!
You may have read my previous post about the Nebraska Organ Recovery Heroes walk that we are participating in on July is a walk in memory of organ donors and in celebration of those who live on because of them! We are walking in memory of Amelia Grace and of all babies/children gone to soon.

I am planning having t-shirts made for that walk and on those shirts I would like to list any and all children and "friends" of Amelia and their birthday. I also hope to indicate if they were an organ donor (you child did NOT have to donate or attempt to donate to be included on this shirt!)

So if you would like to include you child's name and birthday on our shirt, please comment below or send me an email at  

We would be honored to include your child.

OH, NO! Last minute t-shirt re-design! Looks like it may be first names only (I am still hoping to include last names) and no picture of Amelia. Please forgive me folks!

Monday, July 02, 2012

July 2, 2006

This is one of my very favorite photos from Tim and my wedding day. The crack in the floor in this photo however, has always bothered me.

As I prepared to post this photo marking our 6th wedding anniversary, I changed my mind about the crack...I now think it rather suits us.

Six years ago today, I could have never imagined how amazing my life with this man would be.
Quoting my mom's dad on my parent's wedding day, my father's wedding speech included this one liner...
are you sure you know what you're doing?
It still makes me giggle to this day.
We had no clue.

All we really knew is how much we loved each other
how much we wanted to be together
to start a life together
to build a family together...
we knew it wasn't going to be perfect
we knew there would be some cracks in the road. 

and still...
we made a promise to each other
to dance through it all
in sickness and in health
in good times and in bad

I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have this man as my dance partner.

God is so good.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm a feminist.

and I am pro-life.
(p.s. brace yourself, there are lots of us)

"Abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women." 
Alice Paul

"Childbearing is a beautiful office of nature." 
Tennessee Claflin

"After a child is no one has the right to tamper with its existence." 
Eliza Bisbee Duffey

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Heroes Walk for Amelia's 2nd Birthday

As the days of June melt away my heart has already begun to feel the sting of the turn of the calendar to July.
To us, July belongs to Amelia.
It is a month of bittersweet as we remember, celebrate and grieve our sweet Amelia Grace.
Silly as it may sound, some days I can't believe I'm not prepping myself for the terrible twos or planning a ballerina themed 2nd birthday party.

Two years later, and I still feel so     broken.

By now you all know that I am a "planner."
So, it should come as no surprise that Sam's first birthday (Aug 1) party is well into the planning stages.
Theme chosen, menu planned, invitation designed...I know, I'm crazy. But this is just how I'm built folks. ;)

Noah's 4th birthday is not quite as concrete. In my defense, it does make it a bit more complicated when you solicit theme suggestions from a 3 year old. Some days Transformers are in the lead, others he wants an Avengers (Iron Man) party. Both themes make me want to cry! How did he get so big?!?

and then there's my girl...
Just as I was lamenting over what to do for Amelia's 2nd birthday, a friend of mine shared that she was putting together a team for Nebraska Organ Recovery's first Donate Life Nebraska Trail Run & Heroes Walk  on July 21st (the Saturday before her birthday) God's timing is ALWAYS perfect. ;) I called Tim and my Mom to see if they would walk with me and took a leap of faith signing up to organize a team in our little Amelia's honor! I have no idea if anyone will walk with us, and if I'm really honest it scares me a bit that we may be hiking it alone...none the less we WILL walk.

Perhaps you will consider joining us?

Date: Saturday, July 21
Venue: Donate Life Nebraska Trail Run & Heroes Walk
Location: Omaha, Nebraska, USA
Team: i (heart) amelia

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

A couple weeks ago I needed to stop at Hobby Lobby on my way home. Noah's response..."but I don't want to go to Hobby Lobby, I might have bad behavior." hilarious!

Last Wednesday, on the way to the sitter he asked if we were going to Hobby Lobby after Becky's. I told him, "probably not today buddy." He hung his head and cried, "but I want to go! I want to get flowers for my sister." yup, broke this mama's heart.

On the way home, I asked him if he still wanted me to stop thinking he may have changed his mind. Noah HATES  Hobby Lobby...mainly because there is no "toy island" (isle) and I am always telling him not to touch anything! ;) To my surprise (and delight) he insisted we stop... even warned me,  
"Don't miss the exit, OK Mom." 
love that boy!

he picked the flowers all by himself,
chatting away the entire time,
"Only pink ones Mom." 
"I like THESE ones!" 
"I want two of them for my sisters grave."
You sure you don't one a few more of these, I questioned.
"No, Mom, just two."

It was not as full of a bouquet as I would normally do for her vase, but Noah got exactly what he wanted for his sister. I "arranged" them for him and we replaced Amelia's Memorial Day flowers and wreath with the small  bouquet from Amelia's Big Brother (A title he takes very seriously).

I am thinking despite my concerns of the fullness of the bouquet... she would have loved them.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

no words. just love.

It's Wednesday,
And it was almost a wordless one
but I just had to tell you one more time
I miss you. I love you. Can't wait to see you...

not that I'm counting but
it's been
665 days.
I miss you. every. single. day.

not one of the 57,456,00 seconds since your birth has gone by
that my love was not with you

not one second.

My River runs to thee
Blue Sea! Wilt welcome me?
My River wait reply
Oh Sea, look graciously
I'll fetch thee Brooks
From spotted nooks
Say, Sea, Take Me!
Emily Dickinson

"Her life had moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." ~Karen Kingsbury

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Big Enough For Your Tears

I have had a post swimming around in my head for a few days- a post about my tears or lack there of rather...I started to write it Monday but ended up deleting the whole thing.

Then on Tuesday I felt a tug when I opened up my email to find the title of my morning devotional was "Hiding My Tears."

So I tried again but deleted the whole thing (again)...tooo sappy I thought to myself, toooo depressing.

and even though I KNOW grief has no timeline
and even though I KNOW FOR SURE that's it OK and normal to cry,
the darkness still finds me.
It whispers from the shadows things like
shouldn't you be done crying by now?
her life isn't that special
her story is over
stop writing
can't you see they are tired of hearing about your "dead baby"
     every time you talk!?!
don't cry in front of your boys - you're an adult for pity's sake 
    pull yourself together!
the darkness sucks.

You see I've been kinda' disappointed in myself lately.
I am realizing that I haven't allowed myself to cry - not really
and not nearly enough.
When I feel the tears coming I swallow hard, I push them down.
I push her from my thoughts.
I put my daughter out of my head.  :(
And I have decided thanks to much urging from the Lord this week, that I'm not OK with that anymore.
Would you believe that just as I was coming to that realization this week, my 3 year old son preaches these words to me from his car seat...

Noah    Jesus is really big Mom?
Me       Yes He is, He is HUGE!
Noah    I want to see Him very much.
Me       I know buddy, and you will someday when we go to heaven.
Noah   But we have to be His disciples first.
Me      Yes, Noah we do.
Noah  We are all his disciples Mom
Me     (feeling a bit convicted by my 3 year old) Yes Noah, we are.
Noah  Mom...
Me      Yes, Noah?
Noah  When we cry, He cries.
Me      Yup, He does (muffled with tears)
Noah   and when we smile, He smiles.

God's timing (and apparently my son's) is perfect.
I know it's OK to cry.
So today, rather than muffle the tears away, I am giving myself permission to cry.
After all, Jesus is really big...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...
who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:8

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." 
Psalm 56:8

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Sam's first taste of BBQ

So, I am aware that "Baby's First BBQ"
is NOT a milestone on most baby calendars. Tim however was not.
And at our house BBQ is A. Big. Deal.

Noah was never much for meat (still isn't) but Sam, well...
let's just say he made his Daddy very proud as he ate up most of Noah's pulled pork sandwich.

We are so blessed.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

With Him in Paradise

The Grand Wailea Resort
Maui, HI

Tim and I just got back from a (fabulous) trip to Maui. While we were there I tried to snap a few baby names in the sand. I feel horrible that I didn't do more and even forgot :( a few that I had intended to write. I guess we will just have to go back sooner than planned!

None the less, from the moment we arrived on Maui, I could not stop thinking about my girl. I think about her everyday, but this was different. I was in paradise - kinda like her. ;)

The views, the beach, the ocean, the flowers (the food) ...all of it, literally brought tears to my eyes. At some point I remember turning to Tim and mustering out the words, I can't believe He has already shown her all of this. Amazing. Seriously, amazing.

I can't wait for heaven. sigh

and since it's Holy Week....

Jesus answered him, 
“Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” 
Luke 23:42-44

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

waiting for the darkness

The weather outside today is nothing short of GORGEOUS! The last time I was out the thermometer on my SUV read 75 degrees!!

and still,
as the daylight ticks away I feel a change in the weather looming
as tears threaten --- cresting my lower lids.
My throat is tight as I swallow them away.
The tension is building.
The darkness is biding its time
waiting to swallow me up.

2 years tomorrow

Despite the sunshine pouring down outside the walls of my office, the darkness has already begun to wrap itself around my shoulders. The black hole of a day that awaits me. D-day. 
It's smothering.

Has it really been 2 years? I may as well have just heard those cold, haunting words for the first time today.

incompatible with life

So, I am starting, in the sunshine of today, to wrap my heart in a blanket of hope. I am turning to the only thing I know that has the power to concur the cold darkness of tomorrow.

His light.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

Romans 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

If you have a minute tomorrow --- I have a HUGE favor to ask.
would you mind?
If you feel compelled, would you send me a verse you love?
A verse of comfort.
A verse of  hope.
A verse of LOVE
a verse to light the way though a very dark day.
It would mean so much. truly.

you can post it here in the comments
or email it to me at

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

we can't go get her...

Saturday night one of Tim's buddies joined us for ribs and a night of Turkey calling/hunting DVDs. As we sat sticky fingered and chatting away around the table, Noah turned to Ryan and asked,
"Where's your brother and sister?"
Ryan responded that his brother was at his house.
"Get him!" Noah replied.
Tim and I giggled as Ryan continued to explain, "I don't have a sister."
"I have a sister," Noah says.
"I know you do..."
"But she's in heaven, so we can't go get her."

These are the moments I catch my self thinking... 
it's just not fair.

March 15th looms just around the corner
(diagnosis day - 2 years ago)
I find myself quick to tear up, edgy, emotional
and just a little bit sad.
The darkness is creeping in.

taking it to the cross today,
and everyday...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Valentine

 4 I will give up whole nations to save your life,
      because you are precious to me
      and because I love you and give you honor.
            Isaiah 43:4 Good News Translation


today is Valentine's day baby girl

and everywhere I look I see pink & red & hearts

and I smile a sneaky smile

because I can't help thinking, 

all these decorations

and this day all about LOVE

is really all about you





miss you. love you.


Sunday, February 05, 2012

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

18 Months - Nightmares

I had intended to visit the cemetery on Saturday to mark Amelia's 18th Month. I was going to add an ornament given to us as a gift to her wreath. I was with my Mom for most of the day shopping and running errands. I was keeping myself busy because I really didn't want to go.
I never, really want to go there.

I know for many baby loss Mamas (including me) cemetery visits and decorations are an important part of continued care and love for their sweet babies. In many ways I too feel compelled to tend her "spot." I can't care for her anymore, but I can, brush her stone clean and leave beautiful arrangements in her vase as an outward expression of my love for her. I enjoy caring for her in this way.
But there is another side to my visits (or lack of visits) that I have not yet found the words to share completely here on her blog.

The thing is, I have nightmares.
And after a visit to her grave, they increase in both frequency and intensity. I have nightmares about her body just below the ground marked with her name carved in stone. Nightmares about bugs and cold and decay. You see even though I know that her body was just a is still her body to me.
The precious body I carried for 10 months. The body I held in my arms on the day of her birth. The lips I kissed. The face I memorized. The body I dressed to bury.
My baby girl is still down there...

The nightmares are dark and disturbing and the worst part is they begin while I am still awake and waiting for sleep to come. As much as I try to put the thoughts out of my mind, most nights the darkness still creeps in.

I suppose in part, the reasons I have not shared much detail of this particular piece of my "grieving" is because I am a bit embarrassed by it. Embarrassed because I just can't seem to trust God in this aspect of Him "saving my Girl." I put my daughter in a box in the ground 18 months ago, and I guess I'm just not quite convinced that God is "protecting" her body from decay in the way that I desire he would.

Sunday, I found myself seated at the computer reading through some recent blog posts and stumbled on a post written by my dear friend Stacy (Rachel's Mom). It was a post that I desperately needed. I cried as I read her words. I may as well have written them myself...

at the end of her post she had included an image from her calendar that brought peace to my troubled heart.
It read,

Even in the stillness of a resting earth,
God is at work creating beauty,
restoring life,
and preparing all things to blossom,
in His perfect time.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

It's been a while...

I know I haven't been blogging much.
Some days, I think I am done blogging.
I mean how many times can I say...
My sweet baby girl is dead.
I miss her. every. single. minute. of the day.
I can't wait to see her again. :)
I wish things were different.
I still can't believe that this is my story.

Today I needed to write.

Some days, I will get a single Amelia moment stuck in my head. It replays in my mind over and over throughout the day. So often sometimes that I begin to wonder if I am missing something. Is there a lesson I need to be learning from this memory...something I missed the first time? Today that snippet is a single memory from the days before her funeral.
The day I picked up her photos.

I had several printed so that I could create a mini scrap book to display at her service. As I stood and waited, the woman on the other side of the Walgreen's counter, fumbled around looking to make sure my photos were all in order. I remember her asking me if the photos were professional, "oh, yes, they must be, I see your release from the photographer," she continued to ramble, one of the gals and I were looking through them and she thought they couldn't be professional because she didn't think they let photographers in the operating room but I said they were. You gave me such a good idea, I am going to have to tell my husband that we have to remember that when we have a baby. That is so neat." 

I recall thinking to myself, Lady, I sincerely hope you never have the need to have a photographer and your pastor at the ready when your deliver your child. I promise it's not neat...

I didn't say anything, just nodded my head as she talked, said thanks, and left with my envelope of pictures.

I remember being part surprised and part pleased, that she had no idea that the "baby photos" she had been thumbing through were in fact pictures of my dying and dead baby - pictures of my anencephalic baby. I wondered if she'd be disappointed months later when she was denied her request to have her photographer in the OR suite as she delivered her child. Maybe I should have explained...

but I didn't want to upset her.

I often find myself self-censoring in order to protect others.
At the time I felt that it was more about self preservation...
Today I find myself wondering if I would be in a different place emotionally had I let myself break down more often.Would I be any better off? Would I be any further along in my healing or grief?
I doubt it.
But still, I wonder.
With every replay, I wonder.