Tuesday, March 15, 2011

D-Day...

..Diagnosis Day
March 15th, 2010.
A day that will be burned into my memory forever.
The day we were told our daughter would not live.
Can it really be 1 year since we found out about our sweet Amelia's anencephaly?

So far this morning
the entire day has played in my head more than 10 times.
I have hummed the tune of "I Will Carry You"
at least 10 times more.
Honestly, I've tried to forget this day,
but it remains interlaced with joys
I treasure.
The day we saw her via u/s for the first time.
A first glimpse of each little rib- her perfect feet...
The first time we saw her suck her thumb
The day we were told, it's a girl.
The day we named her.
The day we knew we could not keep her.
It was not the day I had hoped it would be.

Part of me wishes I could just stream my memories onto this blank computer screen
and let you see for yourself the music video like memory I hold of the day.
There was a tragic, poetic beauty to the day
that I just cannot put into words yet.
Looking back I can see God's hand in it all.
I can see His arms wrapped around us as we waited to see the head of Maternal Fetal Medicine.
I can see Him carrying us out the doors of the hospital in a fog.
He was always there.

Is it strange that I "experience the day" more in my memory
than I was able to as the events unfolded in real time.
In the moment I was so detached and confused,
but the memory remains so real and the emptiness so painfully tangible.
She's gone.
It doesn't get any more real.

And still,
my heart overflows at the joy of being her mother.
God gave us you, Amelia.
God gave us you.

Until we meet again...



I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says...

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

6 comments:

Holly said...

Sending my love to you today. D-Day can be tough. I remember the first yr playing it all out in my head. I remember God being there so thoroughly on D-Day. Its hard to bring words to what I felt that day.

I listened to that song a lot those first few days

And God knew that day would be the day and He held you up when everything else was falling apart

Kara said...

Praying for your heart today sweet Momma! Just breaks my heart over again to hear about your D-Day and recall our own. But you're right - God held us on our D-days and it is such a blessing to be our girls' moms. Til we meet again in heaven....

bethany actually said...

I didn't even know this was D-day for you guys, but as it happens I was praying for you this morning. You came to mind because I was praying for another friend who has been struggling spiritually, and I was asking that she would be given some Godwinks in her life, which made me think of you and pray for you all. Yet ANOTHER Godwink!

I'll be in church this Thursday and Sunday. I don't think we've ever actually spoken to each other...maybe we'll get the chance to change that this week? :-)

Stacy said...

I've been humming that song all day too - and I almost put it as the 1st one on my blog today, before I read this, just cause it reminds me so much of those days...and I miss Rachel so much. I know what you mean about the memory being more "real" than it felt that day. I have the video of it in my mind too and you are right, God carried us. You may not think you put it into words well, but they ring so true in my mind. Thinking of you and you precious daughter today and every day. I hope today you felt the peace of God that is indescribable. He is still with you.

Melissa said...

oh man...I hadn't thought ahead to dreading this anniversary yet. :-/

Just passed the 5 month mark while hanging out in CO with my 3 month old niece...

So awesome when gifts come at the perfect time :-) Make sure to let update us on that book.

I just started reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, if you haven't read it, add it to your list. It's gonna change my life...

elena said...

Sending my love to you, I'm sorry its late. D-day was tough for me, the first of many milestones. *hugs*