Hardly ever actually.
And when I mention my miscarriage,
I never mention there were 2.
We had almost "forgotten" ourselves
until I read "Heaven Is For Real"
last week and my dreams became filled
with visions of the children we never got to meet.
They were with us such a short, short time
but we loved them - and love them still.
I still remember
when we went in for our very first appointment
we were so excited that we would be getting an u/s right away.
We had no idea what to expect;
we just knew we were expecting
and we were over the moon with happiness!
At first our ob saw only one little embryo
that had no heartbeat.
I remember him struggling a bit and then
he found the second baby, heart beating beautifully.
You could see the relief in his eyes
as he turned the screen our way and described what we were seeing.
This happens sometimes he explained.
Without an early u/s you might have never known
there were 2 in the beginning.
It shouldn't effect your pregnancy.
We left grainy u/s print off in hand.
Proud first time parents.
It felt strange, but we just accepted it as
something that happens.
We proudly paraded the photo,
explaining to some...there were actually 2
but one didn't make it.
To others were just pointed out the "top" and "bottom"
of our precious little "bean"
And then at 13 weeks
we we crushed to discover
that our bean's heart had stopped beating.
We'll have you do a confirmation u/s just to be sure
our doctor had said
so off we went to have our fears confirmed.
As he rolled back and forth over our dead baby
we watched eyes fixed on the large "silent screen"
at one point I had to turn away my gaze.
It hurt to much.
We were scheduled for a D&C.
The next few days were so hard.
They were so very hard.
It was surreal.
I felt empty.
But God healed our hearts
and just over 6 months later we became pregnant with Noah.
We held our breath at every u/s
until we were well into the 2nd trimester.
because, after you make it through the 1st trimester
there is nothing to worry about right...
oh, how naive we were!
What I wouldn't give not to know what I know now.
I share this story today in joyful anticipation.
That's right I said JOYFUL ANTICIPATION.
anticipation of heaven and holding those sweet little souls
joy because I know that at this very moment they are in His presence.
There is nothing here on earth that trumps that.
They are safe and happy right where they are at.
And it won't be long until we are all together again.
So no, I 'm not angry.
No, I don't hate God.
No, I don't believe God has turned his back on me
or is teaching me a lesson out of anger or spite.
No, I don't want your pity
and I certainly do not want you to turn from God as a result of witnessing our losses.
That would break my heart into thousands of pieces in fact.
(that may be an entire additional post)
Yes, I get sad sometimes.
Yes, I miss Amelia and my babies
paticularly on milestone days like today
has it really been 8 months?!?! sigh
I believe we live in a fallen world.
I don't belong here any more than my children did.
Heaven is my home.
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.