242 days

I have carried Amelia for 242 days.
I have carried her for 8 1/2 months.
If you want to get down to the "real numbers"
technically I have carried her, as an egg,
since I was developing in my own mothers womb.
That's a long time.
I have to admit,
the physical burdens of pregnancy
have begun to take their toll.
I am tired.

This morning on my drive into the office,
I played Amelia's recording of "I Will Carry You."
It is getting difficult for me to sing it to her.
I am often breathless,
and the lyrics easily overwhelm me
with sorrow.

The recording, as you might remember from a previous blog
is me singing her an incredible song (written by an incredible group!).
This morning as I listened,
I heard something new.
Instead of my voice singing the lyrics,
I heard hers.
I heard my daughters voice - where it had been my own
she sang,
"I will carry you, while your heart beats here
I will praise the one who's chosen me
to carry you."

Confused?
Let me explain.

So many people have commented
throughout this pregnancy
that they admire my courage, they say I am brave
I have struggled with this.
I have no special bravery.
I have a daughter that is going to die.
My choices are limited.
All I am doing is loving my daughter
enough to carry her for the duration of this pregnancy.
Women do it all the time - no one calls them brave!

What I find even more ironic
about the thought that I am extra brave
is that
during this pregnancy,
I have been brought to my knees.
More than once,
I have been humbled.
It has been made clear to me, in this unexpected turn of events,
that I can do nothing on my own.
I control nothing.

Truth is,
in this pregnancy
it me who has been carried,
not the other way around.
My daughter, at less than 5 lbs,
an "imperfect" infant,
not strong enough to survive without me,
is carrying the both of us.

God is using her, to carry me.
It may take a while for you to allow that to sink in.
It's OK.
It's taken me 242 days.