Monday, July 19, 2010

9 days.

I start today by facing the darkness.
Today marks only 9 days remaining
until the birth of Amelia Grace.
single digits.
Would there ever have been enough days with her
safely tucked inside?

I have begun to look at life,
in this new world I find myself in,
in list form.

My list categorizes day to day issues, feelings and events
into one of two columns
Things I know for sure
and
Things I don't know at all

It's a long list on both sides.
As you may have guessed
the things I don't know at all side
is a bit longer than the things I know for sure.

There are a few things on the list that haunt me.
Namely,

I know
My daughter will not live without me
but I don't know
how I will live without her

There is only one thing on the list
that offers any comfort...

I know
Amelia will rest in the arms of Jesus
and though I don't know when my day will come
I will join her there someday.

If I am totally honest with myself
and with you
I will admit that some days
what I know and what I feel don't quite match up.

Today my mind knows
Jesus is enough.

but today
my heart is screaming out
I just want my baby
she would be enough.

And still...

Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, “Where is this God of yours?” My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration! Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my Savior and my God!
Psalm 42:3-6

9 comments:

pennynjon said...

I am in tears for you right now. I know nothing anyone says will make it any easier for you. The only thing that brings me comfort in these times is like you said-KNOWING that we will be with our babies again someday. I am praying for you everyday! HUGS!!

CynthiaS said...

I am sitting here with tears, I wish so much for a different outcome for you! I am praying for you daily and will keep you at the top of my prayer list. I'm sure the next 9 days will be bittersweet with Amelia.

AmyV said...

I am with the others, knowing that all this is coming much too quickly. Wishing and hoping for Amelia and your family. There aren't words that make this any better. Knowing you will be with Amelia someday helps, but doesn't take away the fact that you want her here. We all want her here with you, and in your loving arms. Thinking of you, and sending out big hugs.

Jenny said...

Please know that these words are heartfelt - I am praying for you all the time.

Marsha said...

Melissa and Tim, I am praying that God carries you through the next 9 days (and the days following). My heart reaches out to you.

junnebug97 said...

Praying for you!

Joan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

There are no words that I can offer to calm and comfort you. I wish there were. Just know, you are not alone. The throne of God is being flooded with prayer for your family. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

elena said...

Very difficult when counting down the days. You said it perfectly "some days what I know and what I feel don't quite match up"

I actually am feeling that way today.

hugs
elena