Thursday, July 15, 2010

hopes

I have many hopes for Amelia's birthday.
The one hope that is foremost in my mind today
is this...

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to miss a minute
in tears.

I'm not sure how I am going to be able to control this one...
and before you start thinking to yourself
that I should allow myself to cry,
let me explain why I'd rather go without
the tears.

If I cry, I won't be able to see clearly
my gorgeous baby girl.
We don't get a second chance at these
moments.
And moments it seems,
is all we will get with our daughter.

I want to see clearly
each curve of her face,
the shape of her eyes,
the color of her cheeks,
each wrinkle
in each finger and toe,
elbows, knees,
lips, ears.
I want to see it all.
Remember each detail
vividly,
not fogged with tears.

Even in the hours after she passes
I hope my eyes remain tearless
because I know
those few hours with her body
are the last hours
I will see her
until we meet again.

Until my daughter is out of my sight,
I ask
that my tears find another way out.
I want to see my daughter
on her birthday.

6 comments:

junnebug97 said...

I understand exactly what you are saying. When Isabella was born I did let a few tears out when I was told she was born alive, something we didn't think was going to happen. Then I let a few more out a few minutes later when they said she had passed. But for the most part I stayed tearless and I am happy about that. I am happy I could spend the time I had with her happy and enjoying every precious moment. I thank God for allowing me to be strong during that time.

Jennifer said...

It is hard to explain, but you will be filled with peace when she comes. We shed a few tears but only a few while we had him. We were torn apart for sure. We shed our tears once his body was taken away. I promise Melissa, you WILL see God's presence on Amelia's birthday. You will feel his arms around you. I will be praying that you are allowed to enjoy every second you have with sweet, precious Amelia. Big hugs today!

pennynjon said...

I promise that you will see your daughter, even if it is with tears in your eyes! I hope that you don't shed tears either-but if you do you won't miss seeing her because of it. I cried, but I have always been an emotional person, and I still took it all in. I pray that you will be filled with peace and joy that day-and I know that you will. Love and hugs!

Melissa said...

(I followed the link to your blog from ABFA)

I just blogged a bit about this last night. I've read a few blogs of situations like ours and everyone seemed peaceful - I can't fathom it but I will hope and pray for that peace for both of us as our babies are born.

-Melissa
Sammy's mama

Holly said...

I can def understand this! You just never know how it is going to be. When Carleigh was born I didn't cry at all until we had to leave the hospital with her because I knew what was coming next. But it is ok either way whether there are tears or not.

elena said...

We can never prepare ourselves for when we are in the moment or predict what will happen. You will definitely see and remember Amelia vividly, I have no doubt about that :) but I do understand how you feel. I felt the same way.
love and hugs
elena