hopes

I have many hopes for Amelia's birthday.
The one hope that is foremost in my mind today
is this...

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to miss a minute
in tears.

I'm not sure how I am going to be able to control this one...
and before you start thinking to yourself
that I should allow myself to cry,
let me explain why I'd rather go without
the tears.

If I cry, I won't be able to see clearly
my gorgeous baby girl.
We don't get a second chance at these
moments.
And moments it seems,
is all we will get with our daughter.

I want to see clearly
each curve of her face,
the shape of her eyes,
the color of her cheeks,
each wrinkle
in each finger and toe,
elbows, knees,
lips, ears.
I want to see it all.
Remember each detail
vividly,
not fogged with tears.

Even in the hours after she passes
I hope my eyes remain tearless
because I know
those few hours with her body
are the last hours
I will see her
until we meet again.

Until my daughter is out of my sight,
I ask
that my tears find another way out.
I want to see my daughter
on her birthday.