Monday, January 31, 2011

the good, the bad, and the ugly

When I opened my in-box this morning I received a notification that someone had posted a new comment on the recent "6 Month Missing Amelia" post. It was the kind of comment that no blogging baby loss mommy appreciates.

Anonymous posted:
"As I read all these posts I feel sad. Sad that Amelia is not with you, but sad more for Noah, because he is still with you and seems like you are dwelling on losing her when hey Noah is still with you! "

The very first thing I did was delete the comment.
Second, I considered whether I should respond.
Since the commenter chose to post anonymously,
I was unable to do so privately.

I feel that part of my purpose in blogging
is as a voice for the baby loss community.
For that reason I decided a response was warranted.

First and foremost I would like to say
this comment breaks my heart.
It is hurtful and judgmental
and is not in ANY way loving or constructive.
That's enough about that.

Second, I'm am so very grateful
to be surrounded by such an amazing and supportive
group of friends and family
particularly within the baby loss community.
I am so grateful for you.
I'm grateful that you all have shared your walk with me,
and allowed me to share mine with you.
Grateful that you have not been silenced
by your fears or your grief...
others have heard your story and have been encouraged by it.
I have been encouraged by it.
You are an amazing community of mothers and fathers.
God's grace and mercy shines through you and your children.

 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 
Ephesians 4:29


Joanna said...

Clearly "anonymous" doesn't understand and is lucky enough to have never dealt with our grief. Those of us who live with the loss of a child know that you love and appreciate Noah, but no baby will ever replace Amelia and you will always love and miss her - and we appreciate that we have the "blog-world" to share our feelings and grief, since clearly there are so many judgemental people out there who don't understand what we're going through.

Ava's mummy said...

I am so sorry that you had to read such an insensitive and thoughtless comment. Only those BLMs who walk with us can ever truly understand. As a mummy of twins, I adore Ophelia but my heart breaks for Ava at the same time. It will always be like this. We can love, adore, grieve and be thankful all at once. In many ways, I often think we cherish any earthly children we do have even more than those parents who have not lost, we know what it is to be without our precious babies.

Sending all my love to you, Amelia and Noah this evening across the Ocean.

avance81 said...

Melissa I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with Joanna "anonymous" doesn't understand and I can honestly say until I walked a day in your shoes I cannot understand what you have been though either. I have no doubt in my mind Noah means just as much to you as Amelia. Keep your head high and don't let comments like that make you feel your doing anything wrong. Your a great mother and all three of your children are loved by you beyond words. Thinking and praying of you :)

Unknown said...

That is horrible for someone to say. I have had someone tell me that I shouldn't be sad cause I still have my son and that makes me mad cause they don't understand the pain a mother goes through with loosing a child. I am so sorry someone said that to you. Keep writing about your feelings it makes me feel that it is normal for me to feel like that too cause other mothers are.

Unknown said...

I think we all know that if this 'anonymous' had lost a child they wouldn't have left the comment that they did. You can grieve for your child and still love your living child. This blog is only a fraction of your life. You can't see the whole picture from it.

pennynjon said...

I am so sorry that someone wrote that. I don't have other children, but I know that if I did it wouldn't change the way I miss Ella and the fact that I will always grieve for her. Noah is blessed to have such a great mommy-as is Amelia. Some people will never understand, but everyone should think before they speak.

Jennifer said...

You are a TERRIFIC mother to all three of your children and anyone who knows you know that for a fact! Anonymous obviously neither knows you or the first thing about losing a child. I feel sorry for anonymous because that person can only judge sight unseen and offer no love. I so wish that this person could know you and who you really are and I pray they NEVER experience the loss of a child! God bless you Melissa! This was a wonderful way to handle a negative situation! You rose above your hurt and I am proud of you! xoxo

Brooke said...

OH MY GOSH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??????????????????? You are fully there for Noah, but he also lost a sister!! I am so sorry that there are people out there who choose to express things in such a negative way!! I am here....always!!! Love you friend!!

Melissa said...

I am sorry to hear this Melissa. If I find the comment upsetting, I can only imagine how you must feel. Both Amelia and Noah are lucky to have you as their mommy. As is the baby on the way. The way you press forward through your pain inspires me everyday.

bethany actually said...

I've been blogging for over three years now, and one of my best friends ( been blogging for nearly nine years. I've met a half-dozen of my good friends online, via blogs and other sites, and then met them and spent time with them in real life. I'm sure you know this already, but I'll tell you anyway that NO ONE reveals her whole life online. Trolls (for that is what those who leave that type of anonymous, mean, not-constructive comments are called) leave those comments not taking the time to think and realize that what they're reading online is only what you are choosing and taking the time to write about. Only the merest tip of the iceberg is revealed in any blog. You know that you're a good mom to all your kids, period. You can shake your head and delete the trollish comments with a clear conscience.

clpaterson said...

I have read your blog for months and feel so sad that someone could be so heartless. I myself have not experienced the loss of a child... I have 4 children and cannot possibly imagine what you must go through on a daily basis, missing yor daughter whie trying to raise your son.You are right to say that mothers who have not experienced this loss cannot really know the depths of greif and loss you feel. The grief you feel for Amelia does not change your love for Noah (actually I am sure it probably strengthens your love and devotion to him). You have the right to greive for your daughter and you are doing this while loving your son. Noah is blessed to have a mother who is sensitive, caring and campassoinate. That is a gift you give Noah. On a personal note you sharing your grief and sadness of losing Amelia has made me hug my kids a little tighter and enjoy the little moments that much more and for that I am thankful.

Rachel's Mama said...

This would be why I stopped accepting anonymous comments on my makes it difficult for some people to leave them, but it's easier on my heart. Except I must say, you handled that with much more grace than I did. I have had a few people question me about my "living children" too...saying that they are concerned for them...I think they have "concerned" and "judgemental" confused. I am certain that you are an amazing mother to Noah. I know this because of how amazing of a mother you are to Amelia. Noah is blessed to be walking this road with you; he will be a better person for it and he will never doubt your unconditional love for him. Thank you for sharing this so that I know I'm not alone. I pray that you are able to see how crazy it is and not allow it to hurt your heart. I am proud of the mother you are - to all your children...and so is God.
love you, Stacy

AmyV said...

Im sorry that someone feels that you are forgetting Noah in your grief for Amelia. Not really the same feelings, and clearly someone who has no idea that a mother's love doesn't go away for one child when you lose the other. Posting as anonymous is cowardly, so if you have mean things to say post your name or don't post things you clearly can't stand behind. Don't let this get you down or slow you in your journey cause your a great mother, and anyone who truly reads your blog knows exactly how you feel about all your children. I can't say I have been thru all your ups and downs with losing a child, but I surely know that Noah isn't getting forgotton in all this. I guess they seem to think that because you aren't mentioning him in every blog he's forgotton but there is one thing they clearly forgot, Noah is here with you. You get to spend every day with him by your side. The things you share with Noah are different than the things you share with Amelia. The things you blog about here are different than mentioning your everyday routine. We all know you have a life outside this blog. Sending hugs and thoughts your way.

The A Team said...

I am sorry that someone wrote you such an insensitive comment. You obviously love Noah, but you still ache for your daughter.I am not a BLM myself, so I have never walked that road...I have been reading since around the time Amelia was born (?), and I have been touched by your words. Hugs to you and your family today!!

Becky said...

Your humble response to such a comment is another example of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in your life. I thank God that your blog is out here in cyberspace as a testimony of a true and living Savior who is ABLE, and that we can do all things through HIM!! :)

Stephanie Patzer said...

I gather the "anonymous" poster is not seeing the BIG picture. "Anonymous" should go back and read from the beginning ~ it is sooooo very obvious that your heart is overflowing with love and compassion. Noah is blessed to have all of that surrounding him. I am not a mom with a child loss, but I read your blog to remind me to appreciate my little ones a bit more. Your words and faith are something I seek to center myself. I like to take a little Melissa and stick it in my pocket to remind myself to open my eyes and heart just a little wider for my kiddos. I can only imagine the kind of love going on in your household. Noah, Amelia, "peanut" (as I will refer to HER), and Tim are a home built of faith and love, who needs more than that?