Wednesday, January 12, 2011

23 Weeks - Guilty

 “And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and supplication. They will look on me, the one they have pierced, and they will mourn for him as one mourns for an only child, and grieve bitterly for him as one grieves for a firstborn son.
Zechariah 12:10 

Stumbled on the above verse this morning and it really moved me today so I thought I would share the verse.

These past few weeks I have been weighed down by a fairly new battle for me. It's complicated, as are all of the emotional processes since Amelia, but I think it is important that I give this emotion a label rather than just bundling it into my daily struggles with "grief."

Today I am battling guilt.

I mentioned it was complicated, though I am saddened to know that for many of you reading this, I will not have to explain myself any further.
You know all to well, what I mean when I say I feel guilt.

I feel guilt that I am pregnant
while others around me struggle to conceive.

I feel guilt that Amelia's place in my womb is now occupied by another baby.

I feel guilt that my body failed my sweet Amelia; that I failed her.

I felt guilt at the reality that I may fail this child in the same way.

I feel guilt that am am not overwhelmed with joy at this pregnancy.

I feel guilt that babies are still hard for me.

I feel guilt that this child should have been scheduled to enter the world on July 28th...but we just can't.

I feel guilt at the thought that readying for another baby will correspond with Amelia's first birthday.

I feel guilt that we have decided not to have a birthday party to remember her and to celebrate her life.

I feel guilt that "Amelia's room" will eventually have to be turned into a nursery
for her brother or sister.

I feel guilt each time I shut the door to her room.

I feel guilt that we were unable to decide on a marker before the first frost.

I feel guilt in accepting I might be in the hospital on Amelia's 1st birthday.

I feel guilt that I desperately want to have another girl.

I feel guilt each time someone offers a congratulations...

I feel guilt if I am too happy.

I feel guilt if I am too sad.

The guilt itself isn't complicated.
It's wading through it day after day.
I just have to set it aside.
Acknowledge it's there, and it's real,
and then just set it aside.

But like most things,
if you don't face them, 
they find you.

My hope, I suppose, is that by acknowledging this guilt here;
I will tackle step one in conquering it.

I'm giving to you Jesus,
all of it.
Because to be honest, it's just to darn heavy to carry.


Kara said...

Melissa - I'm so there. Although my dates don't correspond so closely. Praying that we can hand our guilts over to Jesus to carry for us. Hugs!

Lisette said...

I can relate to this on so many levels. You are no alone with your feelings. ((HUGS))

Rachel's Mama said...

He will carry you, Melissa...all those feeling make sense...even the one about feeling like you failed Amelia, but that is the farthest from the truth. The first thing I said to Rachel when I held her was "I'm sorry, I tried my hardest" - I felt like I had failed her...are you kidding? Satan would love for us to believe that lie. The truth is that you did everything you could have possibly done for her and God is going to one day say "Well done, my good and faithful servant!" I think Guilt comes along with the name Mom. Praying for your heart...for peace, knowing that you are a great Mama, to all of your, Stacy

Jennifer said...

This post made me cry because I can relate to it so well! You worded it perfectly! Hugs sweet mama! Hugs!

CynthiaS said...

I have been there so many times. I hope this guilt is short lived for you and as hard as it is that you enjoy this pregnancy too. I am trying every day and it is so hard when the wounds are so fresh and our futures are not in our hands. I knew it was close for you but I did not realize that your dates were to be exact date as with Amelia, that would be very difficult. Praying that the guilt eases up!!

Ava's mummy said...

I too am finding guilt to hard, you are not alone. Your words are so beautiful and powerful.

I just wanted to let you know that I have given you an award for your lovely blog. You just need to come and collect it from my blog.

Wishing you gentleness