23 Weeks - Guilty

 “And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and supplication. They will look on me, the one they have pierced, and they will mourn for him as one mourns for an only child, and grieve bitterly for him as one grieves for a firstborn son.

Zechariah 12:10 

Stumbled on the above verse this morning and it really moved me today so I thought I would share the verse.

These past few weeks I have been weighed down by a fairly new battle for me. It's complicated, as are all of the emotional processes since Amelia, but I think it is important that I give this emotion a label rather than just bundling it into my daily struggles with "grief."

Today I am battling guilt.

I mentioned it was complicated, though I am saddened to know that for many of you reading this, I will not have to explain myself any further.

You know all to well, what I mean when I say I feel guilt.

I feel guilt that I am pregnant

while others around me struggle to conceive.

I feel guilt that Amelia's place in my womb is now occupied by another baby.

I feel guilt that my body failed my sweet Amelia; that I failed her.

I felt guilt at the reality that I may fail this child in the same way.

I feel guilt that am am not overwhelmed with joy at this pregnancy.

I feel guilt that babies are still hard for me.

I feel guilt that this child should have been scheduled to enter the world on July 28th...but we just can't.

I feel guilt at the thought that readying for another baby will correspond with Amelia's first birthday.

I feel guilt that we have decided not to have a birthday party to remember her and to celebrate her life.

I feel guilt that "Amelia's room" will eventually have to be turned into a nursery

for her brother or sister.

I feel guilt each time I shut the door to her room.

I feel guilt that we were unable to decide on a marker before the first frost.

I feel guilt in accepting I might be in the hospital on Amelia's 1st birthday.

I feel guilt that I desperately want to have another girl.

I feel guilt each time someone offers a congratulations...

I feel guilt if I am too happy.

I feel guilt if I am too sad.

The guilt itself isn't complicated.

It's wading through it day after day.

I just have to set it aside.

Acknowledge it's there, and it's real,

and then just set it aside.

But like most things,

if you don't face them, 

they find you.

My hope, I suppose, is that by acknowledging this guilt here;

I will tackle step one in conquering it.

I'm giving to you Jesus,

all of it.

Because to be honest, it's just to darn heavy to carry.