Some Birthday Pictures

Noah telling me he has his "Amelia Bracelet" on.

Amelia's Memorial butterfly at the Henry Doorly Zoo

Amelia's birthday (cup)cakes made by Mommy

Three balloons on their way to Amelia...

Want to see all the birthday celebration pictures?

Here you go.

One year ago today, I held a piece of heaven.

Sweet Amelia,

It was just one year ago I held you in my arms for the first time.
One year ago today that I held a piece of heaven.

Words cannot describe how very much I miss you now, and how empty my arms, my heart, and our family is without you here with us. Not a second goes by that we don't think of you, love you or long for you. Not a moment that I don't praise God for giving you to me, my sweet blessing of rain drops and butterflies.

Today on your earthly birthday, I can't help but wonder what amazing things you have seen and are being shown to you today, as you sit at Jesus' feet. I pray that to you it will seem like just moments before I am with you again.

There is so much more on my heart today sweet girl.
Yet somehow, I know that there is no need to say a word of it, no need to send up a balloon with a message perfectly penned in love for you, no need to toil over the words until they are just so, because I know you already know all that is in my heart. We remain connected you and I; mother and daughter.

You are never more than a whisper away sweet baby.

Love,
Mommy

1 Year of Wednesdays

This week I have been bombarded with butterflies :)
and blessed with a couple very special gifts
from some amazing baby loss Mama's!

I still can't believe Amelia's birthday is here.
I will never forget July 28, 2010. It's hers.
It seems like just a moment ago I held her in my arms,
told her I loved her,
marveled at how beautiful she was,
kissed her adorable lips...
has it really been a year?
Have I been documenting my grief
and our journey for that long?
Days like today make it feel so painfully raw, real and recent.

I want to share with you 1 of the amazing gifts I received this week
from my friend in the journey, Stacy.
I know I have mentioned her and her precious Rachel here before.
When I received this package in the mail on Monday,
I hadn't even opened up the outer Amazon box before I announced to the guys
that it was a gift from Rachel's Mommy,
I just knew.


Birthday gift from Stacy and ^Rachel^

 The story behind the gift...as written by Stacy
"When I was at the hospital with my sister on the 15th, she brought me down to the gift shop to look at the willow trees to see which one I would like for my bday. I saw one I like (holding the forget-me-nots) but was wishing there was one with daisies. We went back to her room and I searched on line to see. And since I was looking at all of them, saw the one I sent you. It is called the "Freedom Angel". I immediately wanted to get it for you cause of the butterfly, but I was wishing it had a different name cause I wanted it to be more relevant for Amelia.
A couple days later in church, we sang the "Freedom Reigns" song that I have on my blog. That night as I was writing my post, "There is freedom" I thought of Amelia... and knew the name of that angel was perfect for your Angel. Here is the last 2 paragraphs from that post...

Where the Spirit of the Lord is... There is freedom...

If you're tired and thirsty... there is freedom...

Lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom

Freedom reigns in this place

Showers of mercy and grace

Falling on every face... there is freedom...

give your all to Jesus... there is freedom

It is a long road, but the Lord goes before me. He alone can fill me up. When I'm tired and thirsty, when I feel the rain start coming down again, all I need to do is lift my eyes to heaven and give my all to Jesus... and the rain will reveal His showers of mercy and grace - and that is where I'll find my freedom.

It isn't freedom from the reality of my pain on earth.... that's here to stay. The freedom of the Spirit helps me to keep going... when I feel like I can't go anymore... and to hold on to the hope I have in Jesus knowing I will eventually see my girl again. It's freedom to be sad, while still genuinely thanking God for even the hardest time in my life, knowing that this is His perfect will for my life and to know that Rachel (AMELIA) was not a disappointment. Her life was everything it was meant to be. Even if some don't see it. I am so proud of her and can't wait to tell her face to face. And because of the Lord, some day I (YOU) will. And on that day, I will find my eternal freedom of pain, tears, sadness, sin and earthly trials with Him (and her) in heaven. Until then, I will lift my eyes and give my all to Jesus and find my freedom in trusting Him."

Sometimes other people just say it better than I can...

Sometimes the greatest miracles come 

when God changes us and gives us joy in Him, 

even though our prayers aren’t answered 

the way we prayed they would be.  

T. Suzanne Eller

 

It has arrived.

Amelia's birthday week is here.

I can hardly believe it will be a year this Thursday

since we said hello... and goodbye.

I have "watched" several of my baby loss mommy friends navigate their way through the first birthday of their precious babies.

I hurt for them as they reflected, grieved and expressed their love and devotion for their babies as they passed this milestone.

I knew someday soon I would be standing where they were,

grieving as they had done,

celebrating as they were,

but I don't think I ever really processed 

just how much it would hurt,

to be standing here

one year later.

Miss you so much baby girl...

update. (Sam's new c-section date)

We had our amnio this morning.
Unfortunately, Sam is not ready
so our c-section scheduled for tomorrow has been postponed.
That's all I really know right now.
I will post an update later today in this same post.

********************

Sam is now "scheduled" to arrive in the early morning hours
on Aug 1st, via c-section.
As I mentioned earlier this morning
the amnio results concluded that Sam's lungs are not yet mature.
We expect that by August 1st (39 weeks 3 days)
Sam should be ready to make his appearance.
If he decides to come on his own before that day,
we will have a c-section done at that time.

I used to say I love planning.
I have to admit, I think I am done trying to plan anything in regards to this pregnancy.
How quickly I forget just who is calling the shots...

Tim and I so appreciate all the prayer and support!
Please keep it coming.
I am exhausted and so very done being pregnant,
but not so tired that I have any desire to risk little Sam's health!
So we will continue the course that has been laid before us,
we will wait
as (un)patiently as possible :)
for our precious rainbow baby.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.

God does it so that people will fear him.

Whatever is has already been,

and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account.

Isaiah 53:5

“He was beaten so we could be whole. 
He was whipped so we could be healed.” 

Isaiah 53:5b (NLT)

This verse ended my daily email devotion this morning.
Yup, I just started bawling.

Anencephaly mommies will no doubt understand with little to no explanation what it means to hear so we can be whole....
that she is whole.

When I finally finished crying I only felt one thing,

peace.

the kind only God can give;

and He is so good,

so very, very good.

Will she be there?

Last week the date was set for my c-section
and for Sam's birth day.
Pending good amnio results our OB
has scheduled the surgery for Thursday, July 21st.
We had been planning on waiting until after Amelia's birthday
(if we were able)
but it appears that is no longer a possibility.
Hopefully this date will allow a safe delivery of a healthy baby boy,
and our family (including Sam) to be out of the hospital in time to do the things we have planned for Amelia's 1st birthday.

It would be impossible to describe the range of emotions that are sweeping over me as Sam and Amelia's birthdays approach, so I won't even try today...

There is however, one little thing I did want to share.
As Tim and I finalized our plans for our hospital stay
and c-section date
I wondered out loud,
"Do you believe she will be there when Sam is born?"
I rambled on, I mean do you believe she will actually be present? Will she be watching, do you think of her as a guardian angel?
or
Do you hope she isn't? Pray, praise and give thanks that she is blissfully unaware of the remainder of our earthly days while she rests peacefully in Jesus arms?

Maybe it will not come as much of a surprise
but I have to tell you...
As our conversation paused,
a single butterfly came into view along the roadside as we drove.
;)
I love me some God winks!!!

Tim admitted he didn't have the answers I sought.
but, someday
someday we will.

I think our worldly nature pulls us to believe whatever brings the most comfort. Some people prefer to believe that "there are holes in the floor of heaven" or that their love ones are now acting as their "guardian angels."

I would have to say my heart and my faith leads me to believe that our Lord has revealed everything to little Amelia; the past, the present and the future. Time is irrelevant in heaven. She is completely happy in the presence of Jesus. There are no tears because she has already seen the ending of His story and each of our loved one's place in that story. She already knows Sam. She does not feel compelled to guard him. She looks to Jesus and knows - He's got it covered.

Will she be present on the day Sam is born?
In my heart of hearts, I don't think she will.
but that doesn't really bother me...
Will she be on our hearts?
every single second.

”For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;

he will lead them to springs of living water.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:17

Blood Donations for Amelia

Greater love has no one than this:
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  

John 15:13

 

July is officially here!

Just wanted to put out a friendly reminder that we would be honored if you would consider donating blood  in Amelia's memory anytime in the month of July.  We can think of no better way to celebrate her life than giving life through the donation of blood. We're hoping you agree and donate!

You can call to schedule an appointment or to find a drive near you 1-800-RED-CROSS 

or go to www.redcrossblood.org

Please let us know if you were able to donate in Amelia's honor,
we would love the chance to say thank you!

Actually my heart broke a little as we turned the calendar over to the month of July.
In the same way Wednesdays have become "hers" in our home;
July belongs to Amelia.
Just one short year ago we faced the turning of the calendar knowing Amelia would soon be in our arms 

and then all to soon, that she would leave us.

This year the month takes on a new bittersweet,

as we prepare for both Amelia's 1 year heavenly birthday 

and our little Sam's birth day.
My anxiety level is high. My heart hurts so deeply.

My grief feels so raw and new...

I am attempting to ready our family for so much joy 

while navigating a thick fog of heartbreak.
I'm not sure I can put into words where I am at emotionally.

I can't believe it's July.

I miss my girl.

I'm anxious to meet my son.

I'm tired.

I'm hopeful.

I'm broken

and I'm relying on my Lord to carry me

yet again

through the storm

and deliver

a beautiful rainbow.