Wednesday, June 22, 2011

46 Weeks - the darkness still finds me...

It's always tough to coordinate appointment times with my work and childcare schedule. This past week as I struggled to find a day and time to get in and see my eye doctor (4 months late and on my very last set of contacts!!!)
I found myself in the middle of an Amelia moment...

As I attempted to negotiate an appointment time with the sweet receptionist, she sensed my frustration and commented "...oh yes, you have another little one now don't you!"
I didn't see it coming.
I wasn't ready with my response.
I should have been prepared,
she always goes out of her way to comment on Noah. :)
She did SEE me pregnant with Amelia after all.

Working in a small community in a fairly public job I clearly have become accustomed to assuming people "know about Amelia."
My eye doctor is closer to where I live in Omaha. It is in fact, the same eye office I have gone to since I was in the 5th grade. They all know me there, so I guess it understandable that I would forget that they would have no idea that our sweet baby is gone.

All I could muster in response was,
"No, we just have one at home."
Oh, she said, I thought there were two, her voice trailing off.
I swear could hear the self-doubt in her voice.  
Was her memory failing her? 
Wasn't I was pregnant the last time she saw me?
I was tempted to explain, but didn't.
Now I regret it.
I should have just explained.
Particularly because when she sees my hugely pregnant belly at my appointment next week the topic is bound to resurface.
She's going to feel horrible.
And then I'll feel horrible for making her feel horrible...

Later that evening, Noah and I met up with my Mom to help her shop for a dress to wear for an upcoming wedding. I was really looking forward to a little retail therapy.
But as usual, there is no hiding from the heartbreak.

I should have steered clear of the baby clothes,
but I am having a baby after all!
I tried to avoid the girl stuff...but there it was,
an entire rack of the outfit my sweet girl is buried in.
I looked away as quickly as I could but my mind still went there...
down below the dirt
to my sweet babies body, in that outfit.
I just kept moving forward,
pushed Noah's stroller through the maze of racks and out onto the path,
it was all I could do to not pass out.
Was the store closing in on me? 
Suddenly I couldn't remember the way to the stores exit.
In an instant, it was Aug 4th; the day of her funeral.
I could see my hand fighting with the top button of that rose sleeper in an effort to adjust the ruffles to lay flat against her cheek in the moments before visitation began.

The moment passed.
My Mom was just behind me, had she seen?
Did my face go white? Had I stopped breathing?
It was just a moment.
Just an outfit.
Just her body.

Sometimes I can hardly believe I am still here,
was it all a dream?
Surely it was, there's no way I could have buried my baby girl
without insisting they bury me to.

The darkness still finds me, clings to me like my shadow
BUT the light does to
and just when I think I can't take one more step,
He carries me.

John 14  (NIV)

Jesus Comforts His Disciples 
1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus the Way to the Father
 5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”  6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you really know me, you will know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”
 8 Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”
 9 Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10 Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11 Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. 12 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit
    15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”  22 Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”
 23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
   25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
   28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30 I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, 31 but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
   “Come now; let us leave.


Kara said...

Melissa - tears today with your post. I know what you mean in so many difficult ways. All I can say is - HUGS!!

pennynjon said...

This post breaks my heart for you. I have had a lot of those moments too lately. You are in my prayers. Hugs

Holly said...

Darkness does still cling but the light is there too

Melissa said...


Jennifer said...

Oh sweet friend...those moments that catch us off guard. Hugs to you. Sometimes it is just all too much and then to have to explain to other also. Thinking of you...praying for you!

bethany actually said...

Oh, Melissa. The image of your hand struggling to button the top button on your sweet baby girl's outfit...once again, my heart breaks for you. I hope if the topic comes up at the eye doctor's that you're able to find the right words to explain simply and gracefully.

CynthiaS said...

Oh Melissa, I wish I could just hug you after reading this. So glad you also know the light of Jesus, I do not know how much harder this continuous journey would be without it!

Joanna said...

Thanks for posting this...I needed a reminder about the light today. ((hugs))

Jenn - aka honey or mom said...

I'm sorry... I'm sure what else to say.

I wish those moments wouldn't catch us off guard. I wish our hearts and mind could live in light of eternity, but we're so frail and finite.

May God's peace surround you.

Amy von Oven said...

All I can say is your words are just PERFECT!