16 Weeks - When the words don't come

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Romans 8:26

Sometimes I think I made a mistake
only committing myself to blogging on Wednesday (Amelia's day).
It's gotten harder, as the days pass, to blog here.
Not because of a lack of material mind you...
I could talk/write about Amelia all day long.
She is on my mind & heart constantly.

It's just -
when I try to sum up a week without her in one blog entry
I just can't do it.
I lack focus on any particular part of my grief or joy,
I start to type and just hope that some little jewel emerges
from my ramblings.

So I guess I will just dig in.

On the 13th I
(with the help of 2 other chicas, besties, BB Members, etc.)
threw a baby shower for my dear friend Jillian.
I have been planning Jill's baby shower,
 in my head, for the past 2 years. (maybe longer I can't be sure)
However, I had not been planning
to be planning her shower after I lost my own child.
I was scared at how it would be...I cannot lie.
I had nightmares about breaking down in tears
as she opened her gifts.
I was sooo afraid of my grief interfering with her happy day.
I could not live with myself if I ruined it for her.

It went just fine, by the way.
No tears...only pure joy
at the sight of my gorgeous, glowing, perfectly preggo Jilly Bean.
I am so happy for her and Jeremy
there is little cause for self pity.
I think it helps that Jillian and I are so close
and that she was such a comfort to me while I carried Amelia.
Her joy is my joy.
Now, strangers screaming
at their cart of kiddos at WalMart...totally different story. :)

As some of you reading this may know,
I often claim to be a bit of a psychic...
believe it or not,
not to long before I found out I was pregnant with Amelia,
I had a vision about Jillian's baby shower.
At the shower we were both pregnant.

At the time of this "vision"
Jillian was trying to conceive after a miscarriage.
It was, as you can imagine, a very tough time for her.
I called her right away and told her of my premonition.
I knew she was going to be pregnant soon.
Actually, I knew we were both going to be pregnant soon.

The outcome was a bit different than I had imagined.
I thought we would be raising our girls together.
As it turns out, my vision was not meant to be.

And still, the joys far outweigh the sorrows.
God is so good -- ALL the time.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

and his courts with praise!

Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good;

his steadfast love endures forever,

and his faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5