Thursday, July 08, 2010

242 days

I have carried Amelia for 242 days.
I have carried her for 8 1/2 months.
If you want to get down to the "real numbers"
technically I have carried her, as an egg,
since I was developing in my own mothers womb.
That's a long time.
I have to admit,
the physical burdens of pregnancy
have begun to take their toll.
I am tired.

This morning on my drive into the office,
I played Amelia's recording of "I Will Carry You."
It is getting difficult for me to sing it to her.
I am often breathless,
and the lyrics easily overwhelm me
with sorrow.

The recording, as you might remember from a previous blog
is me singing her an incredible song (written by an incredible group!).
This morning as I listened,
I heard something new.
Instead of my voice singing the lyrics,
I heard hers.
I heard my daughters voice - where it had been my own
she sang,
"I will carry you, while your heart beats here
I will praise the one who's chosen me
to carry you."

Let me explain.

So many people have commented
throughout this pregnancy
that they admire my courage, they say I am brave
I have struggled with this.
I have no special bravery.
I have a daughter that is going to die.
My choices are limited.
All I am doing is loving my daughter
enough to carry her for the duration of this pregnancy.
Women do it all the time - no one calls them brave!

What I find even more ironic
about the thought that I am extra brave
is that
during this pregnancy,
I have been brought to my knees.
More than once,
I have been humbled.
It has been made clear to me, in this unexpected turn of events,
that I can do nothing on my own.
I control nothing.

Truth is,
in this pregnancy
it me who has been carried,
not the other way around.
My daughter, at less than 5 lbs,
an "imperfect" infant,
not strong enough to survive without me,
is carrying the both of us.

God is using her, to carry me.
It may take a while for you to allow that to sink in.
It's OK.
It's taken me 242 days.


Mary said...

I have never understood the whole brave thing. I am told the same thing. To me all I was doing was loving my daughter, no differently than I did any of my other children. I love this post of yours. Everything you say is so true, explains it perfectly. Amelia's love will continue to carry you long after she has gone home to Jesus.

Jennifer said...

Beautiful post! I know how pregnancy wears on you along with everything else you are dealing with. I also know as tired as you are that you would welcome fatigue to carry her as long as God allows. I am praying that God would give you renewed strength. xoxo

bethany actually said...

I was just telling someone yesterday that Steven Curtis Chapman's "His Strength Is Perfect" is one of my favorite songs, because it's about how we cannot really understand God's great strength and power until we ourselves are humbled and weakened, and we have to rely on Him for every breath and step.

I have not been commenting much lately but I'm still reading and praying for you.

AmyV said...

Well said, and very true. Mother child love is beautiful. Its something only you and her have. Amelia is carrying you, and saying "Hi" mom, thanks for loving me.

Anonymous said...

I haven't commented lately, either, but please know I am reading along with your posts. I love this one, and I pray that you continue to be lifted up by Amelia, God, and all of us praying for you. It has been a long road for you, Amelia, Tim and Noah and no doubt the rest of this month will be increasingly difficult. Please know how much we love you and are thinking of and praying for you all.

Love & Hugs, Ash, Jason, Klay & Baby K

Stephanie said...

Yes ~ we are not brave...we are mothers who love our daughters/sons (our Amelia's) unconditionally ~ as most mothers do.

We are not specially made for this journey...just special because of what beauty we are learning in the moments ~ this process of life and death.

Babies die ~ no one wants to talk about it or experience it...what choice did we get? None. We simply choose to have faith, love, and continue being mommies to our children as long as we can...and forever after that.

I hope that the days ahead...the days until you meet Amelia and after will be gentle for you. After my Amelia was born, that is (for me) when it was even more difficult. This road is a hard one, and it doesn't get easier.

CynthiaS said...

I also hear the brave comment and feel like I am doing what any other mother would do. You are doing this because you love your daughter and you are doing it well. As hard as it is to keep moving forward and people who have never experienced this can never begin to understand. In the end, no matter how hard it is, it is so worth it to hold our little angels for that short time. Keeping you in my prayers!!!

Unknown said...

Yeah, I've heard the brave thing before but like the song says "People say that I am brave, but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging on." Why is it considered brave to carry a child that won't live? Just because you didn't terminate? The love is the same for any child.

Unknown said...

I have definitely felt as you feel in this post. Thank you for putting it into words.

I have also sang to Lilly not in a recording as you have but when she was in my tummy and still to this day. Our children ask me to sing her song and I find at times I am breathless and near her birthday I got breathless and it became hard to sing.

I have felt I have heard my daughter's voice as you have heard Amelia's so I definitely get what you are saying.

many hugs and prayers