Tuesday, January 24, 2012

It's been a while...

I know I haven't been blogging much.
Some days, I think I am done blogging.
I mean how many times can I say...
My sweet baby girl is dead.
I miss her. every. single. minute. of the day.
I can't wait to see her again. :)
I wish things were different.
I still can't believe that this is my story.

Today I needed to write.

Some days, I will get a single Amelia moment stuck in my head. It replays in my mind over and over throughout the day. So often sometimes that I begin to wonder if I am missing something. Is there a lesson I need to be learning from this memory...something I missed the first time? Today that snippet is a single memory from the days before her funeral.
The day I picked up her photos.

I had several printed so that I could create a mini scrap book to display at her service. As I stood and waited, the woman on the other side of the Walgreen's counter, fumbled around looking to make sure my photos were all in order. I remember her asking me if the photos were professional, "oh, yes, they must be, I see your release from the photographer," she continued to ramble, one of the gals and I were looking through them and she thought they couldn't be professional because she didn't think they let photographers in the operating room but I said they were. You gave me such a good idea, I am going to have to tell my husband that we have to remember that when we have a baby. That is so neat." 

I recall thinking to myself, Lady, I sincerely hope you never have the need to have a photographer and your pastor at the ready when your deliver your child. I promise it's not neat...

I didn't say anything, just nodded my head as she talked, said thanks, and left with my envelope of pictures.

I remember being part surprised and part pleased, that she had no idea that the "baby photos" she had been thumbing through were in fact pictures of my dying and dead baby - pictures of my anencephalic baby. I wondered if she'd be disappointed months later when she was denied her request to have her photographer in the OR suite as she delivered her child. Maybe I should have explained...

but I didn't want to upset her.

I often find myself self-censoring in order to protect others.
At the time I felt that it was more about self preservation...
Today I find myself wondering if I would be in a different place emotionally had I let myself break down more often.Would I be any better off? Would I be any further along in my healing or grief?
I doubt it.
But still, I wonder.
With every replay, I wonder.


Unknown said...

Posting by the author for Stephanie:

I couldn't get this to comment on your blog for some reason, but I didn't want the words to go to waste. Here is what I wrote:

It's so hard to answer the seemingly benign questions that total strangers ask, isn't it? Whether it's the comments about having a photographer in the operating room or the questions about if you have kids and how many - they are all more difficult than the person asking would ever imagine. No one knows how this feels unless they've been there. And while we keep blogging, sometimes feeling like we're repeating ourselves over and over, it doesn't change the fact that we feel the same feelings again and again. And yet they feel brand new every time, don't they?

Our sweet little girls are so missed, so loved, so cherished. That will never change. I can't wait to see them again. I know you feel the same way. God bless you, and keep writing. I'm going to keep writing, too.

- Stephanie
My blog: blooming-joy.com

Hannah Rose said...

I've missed reading your blog. After all the hundreds I've come across, yours has been one of the most memorable and one of my favorites.

It's amazing the moments we replay in our minds over and over...

how much time has passed. Just know I never forget you or Amelia

CynthiaS said...

Oh Melissa, I feel like I could have written this myself.
I was having a rough day and needed to break down and could not because life was happening all around me. I told Greg that I should have broken down when I "could" or when it was expected of me and I spent so much time trying to hold myself together.
You can type a thousand times how much you miss your baby girl and it would never be too much here. oh how I wish this wasn't a reality and we would have no reason to "know" eachother. Sending prayers your way, some days are so much more difficult than others

Unknown said...

I've censored myself to other people in some moments. It just depends how I am feeling and how much I want to talk about things in that moment. I don't think the healing/grief would be any diff if we broke down more or shared more. But who knows, right?

Jennifer said...

Melissa, I have missed you so much dear friend! I catch myself a lot here lately stopping before I "ruin" someone's day. I almost always tell people that I have five children and I have a friend that drops her head everytime she is around because she knows people will ask where the fifth is. Love you mama!

Unknown said...

I have felt as you have and I try to censure myself when someone else is pregnant for their sake. I don't want to worry them. Other than that I talk about Lilly openly. I found myself relating very closely with your words. This has been such a difficult journey at times but I wouldn't trade any of it if it meant Lilly never existed. Remembering sweet Amelia with you.