Tuesday, January 31, 2012

18 Months - Nightmares

I had intended to visit the cemetery on Saturday to mark Amelia's 18th Month. I was going to add an ornament given to us as a gift to her wreath. I was with my Mom for most of the day shopping and running errands. I was keeping myself busy because I really didn't want to go.
I never, really want to go there.

I know for many baby loss Mamas (including me) cemetery visits and decorations are an important part of continued care and love for their sweet babies. In many ways I too feel compelled to tend her "spot." I can't care for her anymore, but I can, brush her stone clean and leave beautiful arrangements in her vase as an outward expression of my love for her. I enjoy caring for her in this way.
But there is another side to my visits (or lack of visits) that I have not yet found the words to share completely here on her blog.

The thing is, I have nightmares.
And after a visit to her grave, they increase in both frequency and intensity. I have nightmares about her body just below the ground marked with her name carved in stone. Nightmares about bugs and cold and decay. You see even though I know that her body was just a shell...it is still her body to me.
The precious body I carried for 10 months. The body I held in my arms on the day of her birth. The lips I kissed. The face I memorized. The body I dressed to bury.
My baby girl is still down there...

The nightmares are dark and disturbing and the worst part is they begin while I am still awake and waiting for sleep to come. As much as I try to put the thoughts out of my mind, most nights the darkness still creeps in.

I suppose in part, the reasons I have not shared much detail of this particular piece of my "grieving" is because I am a bit embarrassed by it. Embarrassed because I just can't seem to trust God in this aspect of Him "saving my Girl." I put my daughter in a box in the ground 18 months ago, and I guess I'm just not quite convinced that God is "protecting" her body from decay in the way that I desire he would.

Sunday, I found myself seated at the computer reading through some recent blog posts and stumbled on a post written by my dear friend Stacy (Rachel's Mom). It was a post that I desperately needed. I cried as I read her words. I may as well have written them myself...

at the end of her post she had included an image from her calendar that brought peace to my troubled heart.
It read,

Even in the stillness of a resting earth,
God is at work creating beauty,
restoring life,
and preparing all things to blossom,
in His perfect time.


CynthiaS said...

I had some "nightmare" type of issues for about 5 months after Claire was born....only it was while I was awake.
It was horrible and once I finally told my husband about it, within a week, it went away.
Sorry you are having nightmares, I was just at the cemetary yesterday and thought about how much I hate that her little body is in a box under the ground. We know our girlies are not there but it still hurts.
Love the verse, I love when I come across the right verse or message at the perfect time!

Jennifer said...

Same here my friend. Sometimes it just bothers me so bad I can barely stand it. Love you Melissa!

Lori said...

Oh, how this hits home....So many people try to tell me "Remember, he's not there."

Well, I beg to differ. No, his spirit and his life is not there. But like you, I grieve and mourn every single lock of hair that was left in that grave over 2 years ago. The 10 fingers and 10 toes that I tried to play with while he was in my tummy...the ones with unique and amazing fingerprints I dreamed of making art for daddy with...those were left. To just...what?

I know. My stomach does flips and turns and really, just conjures up so many images that hurt. I'm so sorry it is this way sometimes, but I know god sees those images as well and wants to take them from us. That's when I just pray, "Lord...have mercy. Just take them."

Thinking of you.

Unknown said...

I don't like to think of her body decaying or anything happening to it.

Unknown said...

I have had nightmares since Lilly died. I don't remember having many if at all when I was younger. I love the words at the end of your post. Thank you for sharing them.

Rachel's Mama said...

I'm just finally reading this post! I was starting to get worried that my post had hurt you and am so glad you found comfort - even if only a tiny bit - that day. I HATE that our girls are not with us...and all that goes along with that... I'm sorry about your nighmares. Mine usually happen while I'm awake, not at night so it's somewhat easier to get myself distracted - It all just stinks. Thinking of you & Amelia every single day. ♥