Monday, September 26, 2011

been awhile since I really posted...

In the beginning I had no idea how long I would be blogging here.
At some point on this journey I committed myself to blogging every Wednesday until Amelia's first birthday
and then to reevaluate after that date passed.
I thought I might still blog weekly,
and then Sam was born. :)

It seems each time I have sat down to write a little something here...mommy duty has called.
We are still settling into life with a newborn and 3 year old boy in our home.
To say I am exhausted might be a bit of an under statement.
A friend of mine recently commented,
"can you imagine having three?!?"
to which I calmly replied, "I wish I had three."
I can assure you that in my most overwhelming of Mommy moments with my boys I would welcome a screaming one year old if it meant we could have her with us.
So, yes, I can imagine having three. I imagine it everyday. ;)

I forgot how much I love taking care of babies.
And I am going to kick myself for admitting this...but I just love folding baby clothes and putting them away.
Baby stuff is just so darn cute. (even the boy stuff)
Sam is getting bigger and bigger by the second.
This kid LOVES to eat.
I prayed that nursing would be stress free for the both of us and boy oh boy did our Lord deliver! My freezer is full of milk and Sam has been a rock star nurser since day one. After all the struggles I had nursing Noah, it has been a huge relief. Our lives have been filled with joy, peace and a little bit of chaos (the good kind)
since we brought little Sammy home.
What a blessing!

And still, we continue in our grief journey.
Along with all the fun and joys of having a newborn in the house,
it is a constant reminder of the baby girl we never got to bring home.
I miss her every single day, and I wonder how long will the shadows of grief haunt me.
How long will it break my heart to see little girl outfits in her size?
How long will I feel a twinge of jealousy as people around me announce the arrival of a healthy little girl?
I am in a phase of my grief where I have begun to feel embarrassed that these things are still difficult for me.
Maybe that is one of the reasons I have been slacking in my blogging. Maybe I have, in part, bought into the ideology that there is a time limit on grief. (which there most certainly is not)
Maybe I am just tired of saying the same things...feeling the same yucky things.
I just miss my girl.
I miss Amelia.

So Moses cried out to the LORD, “Please, God, heal her!”
Numbers 12:13

“See now that I myself am he! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal,
and no one can deliver out of my hand.
Deuteronomy 32:39


Jennifer said...

Melissa I completely understand where you are coming from. I have had the same thoughts about blogging. I don't want people to think that I refuse to heal and find happiness because both of those have come to an extent. It still does not change how much I miss him and long to have him right here in the mix of this chaos. Love you mama! So wishing I could give you a hug. I also wish that you could meet miss Amelia's namesake. She is the sweetest, easiest, most laid back, loveable, smiley baby ever. Makes me wonder is Amelia Grace would have been just as easy! I bet she would have. Hugs to you!

Kara said...

Oh - Melissa. SO good to hear from you today. This post - as so many times before - is so similar to my own life and emotions right now. HUGS sweet Momma!

Rachel's Mama said...

I have so missed your posts,and yet I know it's a good busy that keeps you away... but I still think of you and Amelia every day. I totally get feeling like it's wrong to still be still be sad... to still miss her every day. But I do. I have debated the blogging thing over and over too. I wish there was an easy answer to even just one question we find on this journey, but there is not. Lately, as much as I'm getting SO excited (and nervous) to meet Asa, I have noticed that I am really grieving the girl I lost. Another girl would not have changed that...but I see new baby girls, or their clothes and my heart hurts. You're not alone! Love you ♥

CynthiaS said...

I also feel much like you do now. I have wanted to blog several times since Claire has been born, I always start but cannot finish or finish and do not post for the same reasons.
I'm glad your little man is such an awesome nurser, it sure makes life easier when the babies are good at eating. I find that I have been nursing 24/7 the last 2 months!
Hang in there, I have no idea how long these feelings will stick around.

Unknown said...

I know that I have found it more difficult to keep up with blogging since Lainey was born. I am usually behind in posting and reading and things I have in my head to post about I never remember later lol