I have been challenged lately with the experience of being pregnant while grieving the loss of Amelia.
The journey for us remains an arduous one.
Particularly now that we are pregnant.
I struggle daily with a delicate balance of
Hope and Joy in this new life growing in me
and heartache at the absence of Amelia in our lives.
I often feel at a loss
in a struggle to enjoy this pregnancy.
I feel a level of guilt that I am not happier or fearless about this child.
Last night, or this morning rather (1am)
I awoke and realized something.
It's OK with me that I am not meeting the expectation
of an excited and beaming mother to be.
I don't need my emotions to be perfectly collected and boxed with a satin bow on top.
This pregnancy doesn't need to be just like my previous 3.
I am different.
This pregnancy is different
(and would have been even if Amelia was still here!!)
It is what it is
and in any form
with any mixture of emotions
No matter how poor the packaging.
It is a gift I welcome a new every morning
with every "annoying" pregnancy symptom
and every motherly twinge of fear or worry.
I welcome it all,
if it means I get to claim the title of mother
just one more time.
The reality is I am no longer just an expectant mother.
I am a grieving and expectant mother.
Yeah, it's a bit complicated,
but that's OK with me.
Her Hand in Mine
4 days ago