Wednesday, February 16, 2011

28 Weeks - a messy gift

I have been challenged lately with the experience of being pregnant while grieving the loss of Amelia.
The journey for us remains an arduous one.
Particularly now that we are pregnant.
I struggle daily with a delicate balance of
Hope and Joy in this new life growing in me
and heartache at the absence of Amelia in our lives.

I often feel at a loss
in a struggle to enjoy this pregnancy.
I feel a level of guilt that I am not happier or fearless about this child.

Last night, or this morning rather (1am)
I awoke and realized something.
It's OK with me that I am not meeting the expectation
of an excited and beaming mother to be.
I don't need my emotions to be perfectly collected and boxed with a satin bow on top.
This pregnancy doesn't need to be just like my previous 3.
I am different.
This pregnancy is different
(and would have been even if Amelia was still here!!)

It is what it is
and in any form
with any mixture of emotions
it remains
a gift.
No matter how poor the packaging.
It is a gift I welcome a new every morning
with every "annoying" pregnancy symptom
and every motherly twinge of fear or worry.
I welcome it all,
if it means I get to claim the title of mother
just one more time.

The reality is I am no longer just an expectant mother.
I am a grieving and expectant mother.
Yeah, it's a bit complicated,
but that's OK with me.


Chrissy said...

You words are so true... I am sure so many can relate to how you feel.... What a hard road this is...thinking of you.

Kara said...

I can definitely relate. Feeling all of these emotions as we have shared our own rainbow baby news this week. It's such a hard thing. I love your insight though and I will try to allow myself the same grace.

Joanna said...

It's so true. We are no longer "naive" about how things may turn out and have more fear and worries until you hold that child. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jennifer said...

I can completely relate to this post! I know that our rainbows are wonderful, beautiful gifts! I know that they are blessings beyond measure. It is just different and sometimes so difficult. Hugs my sweet friend!
<3 you!

Lisette said...

I can relate to this post so much. It is so hard yet so welcoming such a conflict of emotions. Praying for you always.

Stephanie said...

I have been there...and it is just different!

Rachel's Mama said...

You are not the same person as before Amelia...And just because there is grief, that doesn't mean there's not joy. It just might not look the same. I didn't know the two could exist to such a deep level until Rachel. I think you're doing an amazing job in this "complicated" situation. Don't ever tell yourself otherwise. You are a beautiful, Godly mother...and so deserving of the title! :o) I know it must be hard, but remember He is with you. Thinking of you always,Stacy

Anonymous said...

You are just as God intends you to be. Our lives are always changed by the opportunities God gives us, good and bad. How lovely is your post this and every really helps me to understand how you are feeling as well as your sisters in Christ who have endured such a loss. Praying for you...Joan

The A Team said...

I don't know what it is, but I am drawn to your blog. Thank you for sharing. I don't have children, nor have had experience any baby loss , so I don't know what you are going through. I would expect you would have several feelings..and it's ok!! Each pregnancy I would think would be different.

Megan said...

It is SO complicated. I understand exactly what you are saying. This was truly beautiful, and though it happens, no one should judge you for this. Unless you have lost a child, you cannot understand these emotions.

Brooke said...

Wow, i feel the same thing!!!! It is so tough...walking through this journey and not knowing HOW to feel!!!

Unknown said...

We know that these babes are precious gifts but that doesn't mean we wont have fear or be anxious or not be totally thrilled all the time. Pregnancy after loss can be a rocky road and you just have to travel it they best that you can.

All Things Lovely said...

A couple friends and I are starting up a new website/blog for set-apart sisters to connect and share. We'd love you to be a part of it! We are also looking for guest bloggers. Blessings, Hannah Rose