7 Months - a new pinwheel

(click on the image to enlarge)

29 weeks - Godwinks

Today I want to share with you a new word I learned this week
via a fellow baby loss blogger, Holly's site.
The word is
Godwink.
Rather than attempt to describe this idea myself
I have included the definition as told by author SQuire Rushnell.

"WHAT'S A GODWINK?(Answered by SQuire Rushnell)
A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"
What do godwinks mean? Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew. It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone.""

"WHAT ARE "GODWINK LINKS."
We've all had the experience of an unexpected phone call from someone we were just thinking about, but hadn't thought about in years. Or...we've run into someone on the street who completely changed the direction of our life. We often say, "Wow...what a godwink." Yet we rarely ask, "What caused that person to call me at that moment?" or, "What caused that person to be at the same place I was, at just the right time?""

Before I go any further on this topic I have to say.
I have not read any of SQuire's books. (I have heard they are good)
I don't know if I will ever read them.
I might not agree with anything he says in his books.
But I will tell you what he has given me this week.
He has given me a word to describe the moments
when I have clearly felt God's presence or reassurance
that Amelia is safe in His arms
in little things like,
Butterflies
Perfectly timed gifts
Coincidence in Am(ELI)a's name
Strangely worn jewelry
Offers to photograph our daughters birthday
A kind email
There are truly to many to list.

Well, I have to tell you
I had a little Godwink this week.
For those of you that know me well
it will come as no surprise that at 17 weeks pregnant
I have already begun planning this child's baptism day.
This week in particular,
I began the hunt for the perfect baptism cake.
Noah's baptism cake was a bit of a disaster
so my hope is that this cake will be
well, better to say the least.

Me and good ol' Google began the hunt
in a search for "baptism cakes"
I probably looked at images of over 200+ cakes.
As I searched, a seemingly out of place cake
popped up on to my screen.
It was a gorgeous 2 tier fondant cake
covered in white daisies.
I immediately thought of a new baby loss momma
friend of mine named Stacy.
Her daughter Rachel
sits at the feet of Jesus at this very moment
with our little Amelia. sigh
Daisies are to Stacy
as butterflies are to us,
reminders of our sweet baby girls.

The minute I saw it I felt compelled to send it to her
and let her know I was thinking of her and Rachel.
I clicked on the image to take a closer look
and saw something I hadn't noticed at first.
A top the cake rested a single white butterfly.
"Awww," I thought to myself, "miss you sweet girl."
I emailed her the photo
and continued my search.
I was just about to wrap up when I noticed another cake...
could it be another daisy cake amidst the crosses and doves?!?!?
It was indeed a daisy cake.
You'll never guess what I saw at the very top...
a small pink butterfly.
sigh

yup, I'm lovin' the Godwinks.

28 Weeks - a messy gift

I have been challenged lately with the experience of being pregnant while grieving the loss of Amelia.
The journey for us remains an arduous one.
Particularly now that we are pregnant.
I struggle daily with a delicate balance of
Hope and Joy in this new life growing in me
and heartache at the absence of Amelia in our lives.

I often feel at a loss
in a struggle to enjoy this pregnancy.
I feel a level of guilt that I am not happier or fearless about this child.

Last night, or this morning rather (1am)
I awoke and realized something.
It's OK with me that I am not meeting the expectation
of an excited and beaming mother to be.
I don't need my emotions to be perfectly collected and boxed with a satin bow on top.
This pregnancy doesn't need to be just like my previous 3.
I am different.
This pregnancy is different
(and would have been even if Amelia was still here!!)

It is what it is
and in any form
with any mixture of emotions
it remains
a gift.
No matter how poor the packaging.
It is a gift I welcome a new every morning
with every "annoying" pregnancy symptom
and every motherly twinge of fear or worry.
I welcome it all,
if it means I get to claim the title of mother
just one more time.

The reality is I am no longer just an expectant mother.
I am a grieving and expectant mother.
Yeah, it's a bit complicated,
but that's OK with me.

27 Weeks - Love

Today I find myself at a bit of a loss for words...

With Valentine's Day just around the corner I had intended this post to be all about LOVE.
The problem is I have no clue how to describe love with any words that come close to an accurate description of the loves of my life...
my Love for Amelia
my Love for the Lord
my Love for my Husband
my Love for Noah...
I suppose this lack of "the right words"
is why we often borrow them at this time of year
with a famous poem or the perfectly written greeting card.
Or maybe some things just can't be expressed in words...

26 Weeks - shame on me...

..for not explaining the term "rainbow baby!" I have used the term a couple times and just recently someone was brave enough to ask me what it meant. I am so sorry for not explaining the term earlier!

Below is the best definition I could find...

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Some cultures believe that a rainbow is a bridge between heaven and earth and of course you are familiar with the pots of gold found at the end!!!

For our family, the term rainbow baby acts as a reminder from our Lord of His covenant with us in the book of Genesis. God kept His promise to Noah and to us. As we journeyed with Amelia and as we have journeyed without her, rainbows have taken special meaning...you might recall this from a blog entry in the weeks following Amelia's death.

"Yesterday as we traveled, the sky was dark as we enjoyed (yet another) rainy day. The rain will forever remind me of our little Amelia, as the months that I carried her were filled with rain, flooding and more rain. In a previous blog entry, I reflected on God's promise "that it will not rain forever." Yesterday, God renewed that promise with our family. As we drove, we were blessed with not one, but two rainbows. I know, I know, a rainbow is common place, and far from a miracle. And still, Tim and I could not recall the last time we had seen one. We marveled over the colors, thought of our little girl, and the promises God has already fulfilled in our lives and the lives of "strangers" through her brief life."

It was on that car trip that Tim and I first spoke seriously of having more children...of having a rainbow baby. One of my favorite things to do on long road trips is to torture Tim with baby name ideas. I try to think of the most obscure names and watch his response. It may sound silly but we have had a lot of fun and laughs with this game.

It was hard to play my little game on that particular road trip. :(

We did however come up with our current girl name

(if we are blessed with another daughter) on that drive.

The name was inspired by...you guessed it...RAINBOWS.

The name we like is Violet.

It also happens to be Tim's grandmother's name

adding even more "specialness" ;)

So we'll just have to wait and see

what our Lord has in mind for this baby.

I have resolved myself to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

Similar to how we walked our pregnancy with Amelia.

Today I am pregnant.

Today I will rejoice.

Tomorrow I will wake up and I pray I can say again.

Today I am pregnant.

Today I will rejoice.

Rejoicing in each day
as it comes; that's the plan.

Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.” Then God said to Noah, “Yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17