Wednesday, December 29, 2010

21 Weeks - still perfect

I knew it would be a different Christmas.
Our first Christmas without Amelia. sigh
Maybe it was a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy,
but it was indeed a very difficult Christmas.

Christmas Eve Tim and Noah were both very sick.
Puking, diarrhea. Let's just say it was a messy morning.
Determined to spend the holiday per our Lorang family tradition  - we headed out to Tim's parents for soup, presents, cookies & Christmas Eve service at Mount Olive as a family. Sadly, Tim and Noah did not make it to church. As for me, the entire day was an emotional roller coaster. Between the morning sickness(why do they call it that when it lasts all day long?!?!), attempting to play nurse to Noah and Tim (sorry guys, I tried), and just plain getting through the day without Amelia, I found myself completely drained by 6:00pm.

All day long I felt as if I was watching myself carry out my day, my heart and mind separate from my body. I'm not quite sure how to explain that....

When Tim told me he was going to take Noah home and not go to church, I felt my gut twist up into the tightest knot. Selfishly, I was terrified of spending this service without them. Can you imagine being terrified to worship? on Christmas?!? Truth is I was counting on them. If I felt sad I was gona' squeeze Tim's hand. If I started to feel self pity I could look at Noah be reminded of the ways our Lord has blessed us through our children. How was I going to make it through this night without them?!?!

It was supposed to be Tim, me, Noah and our new baby girl squished into "our pew" between all of Tim's family.But it was just me in the pew with Tim's sister, brother in law and their two grown children.

I was terrified.

There I was, "alone" on Christmas Eve-

For the first time, in a long time, I felt like a stranger in my own church. Like some sort of misfit. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was best that I did not have Tim or Noah to lean on. Maybe it was best I didn't have my daddy's shoulder beside me in the pew to lean on. God plan was for me to come to church on Christmas Eve just as I was;
Broken and Alone.

It was a hard service.
Tears flowed and I found myself unable to sing the text or even hum the tune as the congregation sang "Away In A Manger."

To be honest, I hardly heard the message.
I could blame precious children's chatter in the pews around me,
but it would be misplaced.
I simply lacked focus.
I was focused inwardly,
distracted by self pity and heartbreak.
Grief is ugly.
Some days it just finds me
and I feel so powerless against it
I HATE it.

There was no magic moment or point in time during or after the service that my heart suddenly softened
or the tears threatening the edges of my eyes dissipated.

But it still happened, Christmas still came.
God's grace still found me, my heart still heard his voice.
Christmas was still perfect.
Christ is still perfect.

God is so good...


Alissa said...

This post just tore my heart out...imagining you there all alone grieving your sweet Amelia. Totally agree with how ugly grief made it, though with the help of Someone up Above. ((Hugs))

The Blue Sparrow said...

I am so sorry that you spent Christmas eve alone in church. But I'm proud of you for going anyway, and God was with you helping you through. And youre so right, God is perfect! (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

You were not alone, but surrounded by your church family and any one of us would have been honored to hold your hand and criy with you.

Melissa said...

I totally get this. Grief IS ugly.

Ava's mummy said...

I just wanted to send a huge hug and lots of love to you. I am new to your blog but your words really spoke to me. I am so very sorry for the loss of beautiful Amelia Grace. We lost our eldest twin daughter, Ava Grace Valerie in Oct 2009.

I too was alone in church on Christmas Day, crying at the words of Away in a Manger (especially the third verse). I am sure the couple next to me wondered why I was crying on such a happy day. It was hard and I feel your pain and sadness too.

Sending peace and love for 2011.

Rachel's Mama said...

I've realized these past few weeks that even though life goes on technically, your heart has to go at it's own pace. Sometimes the pressure to do the "normal" things when nothing feels normal is too much. I think that's what happened to me at Christmas. I have shed many lonely tears at church, many Sundays...but for some reason it hurts more at Christmas. Hope this week is going a little better for you. praying for you. love, Stacy