Wednesday, December 01, 2010

18 weeks - left undone

Has it really been 4 months since we kissed those sweet lips?

It has come to my attention that there is still much left undone.
It's December
and the holiday panic is nipping at my nose along with Jack Frost.
YIKES it got cold fast...I digress.

In all our planning and preparation for Amelia's birth
I wanted to be sure that everything was in place.
Not a moment wasted -
all that could be done in advance
just had to get done.

Now that she is gone
I find myself with a long list of remembering Amelia Grace to do's
and not an ounce of decisiveness to aid me along the way.

I used to be so sure of things.
What happened?

I can't decide on scrapbook designs
I can't settle on a layout for her marker
I can't even bring myself
to mail in the fingerprint impression we have
to be made into a necklace.
I have big plans for shadow boxes
filled with her things
and making a special place for her in our home
but can't decide...
should it be a corner?
a room?
a garden?

Right now all her things are put away in her room in our house
and a room in my heart.
Inside these rooms
they remain a glorious mess of love and grief.
For now, I suppose, that is where they will remain.
Until I can find away to bring them out,
and into an album,
a shadowbox,
a corner,
and a garden.

But Mary treasured up all these things
and pondered them in her heart.
Luke 2:19

 I will give you hidden treasures,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
Isaiah 45:3


Kara said...

Hmmmm. Me too Melissa. So many projects I want to do, but either can't bring myself to do or don't have the time or energy. It will come though. We have done a few of these things that at first seemed impossible. The biggest thing I want to do is a scrapbook, but can't seem to wrap my head around actually doing it. It's so hard.

Stephanie said...

It has been 8 months for me and I just managed to move all of Amelia's special things into one place. A beautiful box in my room. I also gave my children their own special box with some hand prints (we have many), the memorial service paper, and locks of hair. I have some things done, but am paralyzed by the idea of a scrapbook, because I don't want it to be anything BUT PERFECT.

Yes ~ this season, these endless days without our babies is all about survival. These things can wait until we find our decisions are right and special in honor of our children.

Jennifer said...

It has been over nine months for us and I have done nothing that I wanted to do as far as a shadowbox, scrapbook, etc... I thing we will know when the time is right to do these things. As long as we know we have these things and can do something with them it will be alright. Take your time mama! Sending hugs and love your way!

pennynjon said...

I know how you feel. I am almost done with Ella's scrapbook, but I still have her pictures and the scrapbook spread all over the nursery from when I worked on it last. I have a shadowbox too that I haven't done yet. I haven't even unpacked the bag I took to the hospital with Ella's stuff in it. ((hugs))

Unknown said...

I think it is fine that these things aren't where you would like there. Really, you have plenty of time to complete them when you are ready. I've done Carleigh's scrapbook but haven't yet created a space for her in our home like I want.

Christy said...

Melissa--Thank you for commenting on my blog. I found you and saw that you are in or from Nebr and we have that connection, too!

You have an amazing story...and an amazing little girl...congratulations on her birth! (No one ever told me "congratulations" for Chase and at some point, I missed that dearly). I am so glad you carried her to term. Had I been in the same situation, I have no idea what I would have done. But I would have regretted not knowing what I know now so I am so glad you got to carry her for those 9 months.

These things you write about...know what to do will all be ok. You will do what you need to do when it is time to do it. No one is judging you (or should be anyway) for your decisions because they couldn't know what to do either. Your heart will tell you....will help you make decisions at the right time. My early posts after Chase died were mostly that I just didn't know what to do....about anything. So I know how you feel. And unfortunately so do many others. I wish for you peace and faith in your love for her and her love for you....never doubting that. She was and is a perfect sweet girl. Her pictures are breathtaking. I just wish she was in your arms right now. Sending you hugs.

Melissa said...

just saw this post today...yes to the forgetfulness and the stack of Sammy stuff in a makeshift spot...

i found myself completely stuck as i tried to make apple pancakes today, i read and reread the recipe, walked over to the pantry 3 times before i could remember what i was supposed to be doing next. had to let the tears out before i could concentrate.

hope Christmas was kind to you and yours...