Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Thoughts on Sam's birth.

I've had a blog circling around in my head for the past two weeks
but have lacked the time or words to piece it all together.
This morning I decided it was time to try to say it...
everything I wanted to say didn't quite make it in this one.
I guess that means I'm not quite done blogging yet. ;)

While we awaited the safe arrival of little Sam
I wondered what it would be like after losing Amelia,
to hold him
to give birth at the same hospital,
to marvel over his tiny feet,
to smell him...

would it be healing?
would it just hurt and cover me with grief,
would the flood and mixture of emotions overwhelm me,
or would I just shut down.

I often found my self wondering,
when will the joy triumph completely over the fear?

The morning of Sam's birth as we drove to the hospital
I could sense Tim's excitement
but strangely, I couldn't feel mine.
I wondered what was wrong with me and confided in him that
I felt nothing.
Here we were, on our way to the hospital
to deliver our precious son,
and I was calm as could be.
I'm calling it my self-protect mode.
I think my "heart" knew it was to much to process in the moment.
Like if I allowed myself to feel
the excitement, the anticipation and the joy,
then I would also have to feel
the heartbreak, the emptiness and the sorrow.

I was not until in the operating room
in the minutes before Sam was born
as I prayed,
that I remember the shell around my heart beginning to crumble.
It's ironic really,
that as my body was numbed from the anesthesia
my heart began to ache, knots tightened my throat,
tears threatened my eyes,
I could finally feel.

The section took longer than I remembered with Noah or Amelia.
But it should come as no suprise when I say, he was worth the wait.
He was perfect.
A perfect mix of "Lorang" features...
Amelia's lips, Noah nose and cheeks,
Daddy's eyes, Mommy's ears.

Nothing could have surpassed the joy that filled my heart
when I heard his cry.

Alongside the overwhelming joy and love
there are some tough things.
These are the things that I struggle to put into words...

For me there have been several triggers
having a newborn that I had not expected...

When I am nursing,
I catch glimpses of Amelia in Sam's profile
and I long to see what she would have looked like
as a two week old baby.

When I change Sam's diaper
he curls his legs in tightly to his chest
I have vivid memories of Amelia's legs curled up in a similar pose,
muscles tightened by death.

Sometimes, when I kiss his cheeks
I can still remember how soft her skin was
and in turn I remember how different her skin felt
when I dressed her for the last time at the mortuary.
There have been some tough things.
And there have been so many joyous and wonderful things.

And still, we remain "in the grip of His grace"and
ever grateful for the blessings we have been given in our children,
Noah, Sam and especially our sweet Amelia Grace.


Rachel's Mama said...

crying through this one, Melissa...I have the questions you mentioned daily over what to expect with Asa's birth. I've been thinking about you every day and wondering what it is like to hold your son after losing your daughter - The moments you mention that are hard, made me cry and the moments of overwhelming joy made me cry. I wonder if it's a journey I'm ready for... I don't think I am, but I know God is with me. Thank you again, for your honesty and openness which have continuously encouraged me along the way on this difficult, yet beautiful, road.

Unknown said...

I could def see Carleigh in Lainey and it made my heart smile.

Chrissy said...

thinking of you <3

Jenn - aka honey or mom said...

I felt very similar feelings with having Jonathan. I kiss my newest little boy so much. He is a salve to our souls.

Brooke said...

Wow, just cried and cried and cried as I read this...agree with Stacy. So excited, but so fearful to have just a couple weeks. I know I will be facing so many of the same emotions. it is so scary, but so comforting to know that I will hopefully see some of Briar in this baby. I am also approaching his one year bday....goodness, friend...just praying for your heart as you continue to grieve and rejoice!!

Jennifer said...

I know exactly what you mean! The more time you have with Sam, the more your heart will swell. I think love is bigger after the loss of a child (for all of your children).

bethany actually said...

I think if I were the person who said to you, "Imagine if you had three!" I would immediately want to sink through the floor in consternation when I remembered Amelia. Your response was so graceful, and I'm sure your friend appreciated that grace.

I know the feeling of barely being able to blog. There are six years between my kids and my baby is 10 months old and I *still* am blogging about once week versus 5-7 times a week previously.