Wednesday, April 06, 2011

35 Weeks - selling the furniture

For those of you who have followed our story for some time,
will recall that, knowing with all my heart
at just 15 weeks, that Miss Amelia was indeed a Miss,
I purchased all but her crib in sweet anticipation of her arrival.
A few weeks ago Tim and I decided that the time had come
to sell Amelia's furniture.
We had no place to store it,
no extra bedroom to furnish,
and if I am completely honest,
it served as little more than a painful reminder
of the dreams we once had of raising a little girl.
I hung onto it in hopes that Amelia's little sister
would be joining our family this summer,
even though I knew from the beginning, that Sam, was well, Sam
and more than likely would not be in need of his big sister's nursery furniture!

Last week we sold it on Craig's List, split up amongst two families.
It went very smoothly, Praise be to God!
And happened very quickly
which I was very, very thankful for...
I have always been a "pull the band aid off fast and get it over with" kinda gal!

The room looked so empty without her furniture.
But it has always been an empty room
without Amelia.

Despite our plans to time delivery of Sam's furniture
to follow the refinishing of the floors in the nursery,
we ended up bringing home his furniture (in part)
the day after Amelia's was moved out.
I have walked in that room at least a hundred times.
I keep thinking it will get easier.
and it has
in some ways.
But for us there will always be an empty room, empty highchair, car-seat...

I often worry that people think of Sam as a replacement
for Amelia.
As if somehow having him means we never lost Amelia.
Kinda' crazy I know, surely no one actually thinks that!!!
It think it's just the Momma bear in me. :)
Sometimes I feel like I should wear a shirt that reads -
CAUTION Healing Mommy heart inside.
or maybe more like this...

rather than the growing belly holding my precious rainbow baby
that signals 'Baby on Board' everything is OK now
Then maybe people could not so quickly forget
the sweet baby held in this very belly just last year.

 14 Yet Jerusalem says, “The Lord has deserted us;
      the Lord has forgotten us.”
 15 “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
      Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
   But even if that were possible,
      I would not forget you!
 16 See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
      Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.
Isaiah 49:14-18 
(New Living Translation)


Jennifer said...

This post made me teary eyed. Sam will never replace your sweet, precious Amelia. Sam will be Sam and bring you joy. That joy will never fill Amelia's spot in you heart. Nothing will. Love you mama!

Lisette said...

Sam will never be a replacement for Amelia. Sam is going to bring you so much happiness. I know making the transition to the new nursery isn't easy but I hope you are filled with peace in your heart. No matter what changes you make Amelia is never far from your heart. You are a wonderful mama!

CynthiaS said...

I hope nobody thinks of Sam as a replacement but I have that same concern as well. Thinking of you and your rainbow baby!!!

bethany actually said...

Oh, Melissa. This post about furniture of all things made me cry. :-) Praying for you and Sam today!

Kara said...

Hugs Melissa! This tugged at my heart so much too. The feelings of putting away or selling our baby girls' things. The worry that others see our rainbow babies as a replacement or that suddenly we're "over" the loss. It's so hard! I'm proud of you though for taking this huge step. It had to have been very difficult to see her furniture go. =(

Rachel's Mama said...

I'm afraid for those days already...I'm so glad that you share Amelia's story to help me when I face these struggles. I gain so much hope from watching you walk this road with so much grace. I know it's not easy. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. love you!

The Blue Sparrow said...

What a beautiful bible verse! I don't think I've come across that one before, but I love it! I still can't bring myself to get rid of Bryston's things. I still everything but the crib bedding. But you're right, I'll always see it as an empty room even if we're blessed with another child. (((HUGS)))

Unknown said...

I think people who don't understand may see rainbow babies as a replacement, but that's just it they don't understand that we can't replace our children. They are forever in our hearts. Amelia will always be a part of your family, everyone SHOULD understand that :)