Amelia's Marker

click on the image to enlarge

We went down to the cemetery this evening to place Amelia's Memorial Day wreath and pinwheel. To our surprise her marker had been placed just in time for the holiday. I feel bad that it took us as long as it did to do this last thing for her. I agonized for months over the granite color, size, text, layout, vases...
I hated everything.
Finally I came to the realization
OF COURSE I hate them all
they are grave markers
for our baby girl!



Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her. “Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” John 20:11-13

"Congratulations"

"I have held many things in my hands, 
and have lost them all; 
but whatever I have placed in God's hands, 
that I still possess." 

~Martin Luther 

Lately we have been busying ourselves at home enjoying the nice weather and getting ready for Sam. I think it is finally sinking in that we might actually get to bring him home. In my heart I still feel some hesitation when I think about bringing him home from the hospital. It just doesn't feel right to assume we will get to keep this baby when we are so intimately aware that not all babies get to come home...

We had another u/s with maternal Fetal Medicine this past Monday. Sam looked great! He now weighs over 3 lbs and is is the 57%. I think he will easily surpass Noah and Amelia's birth weights, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. :)

I was caught a bit off guard when our "super" doc wrapped up our u/s appointment with a "congratulations." I wasn't sure what to think of that statement at first and it left me pondering why a statement like that would catch me so off guard...I'm not sure even now if I can explain what was so off about it to me.

In regards to pregnancy, "Congratulations" seems a term reserved for those who just shared the news of their pregnancy or for those who have just given birth. Amongst the members of my Anencephaly Mommy group we often say congratulations along with expressing our sympathy as we sit helplessly by and watch the newest members of our group grieve the death of their precious child. 

Maybe it was the words he left out that have me questioning; "Congratulations on your healthy baby." In all the times we saw him when we were pregnancy with Amelia, I don't recall him saying congratulations to us...  
I imagine being a "baby" doctor he often leaves parents with a well wish and a congrats. He probably says it so often he doesn't even think about it.

Maybe it was the sting of a wish that never came true with Amelia. Maybe it was just another product of my new normal. A reaction from the mother bear inside of me that remains guarded in my hope for a healthy baby and defensive in my love for the daughter we lost. Maybe I have prepared myself more for loss and continued heartbreak than I have for joy and hopefulness. Maybe I am so focused on preparing to lose Sam, that a simple phrase like congratulations has become unexpected and strangely unwelcome.

I am left to conclude that my unease with his kind expression, is just another reflection of the complicated mix of emotions that comes with carrying a rainbow baby.

I wish I could tell you that I have sorted through it all and emerged on the other side less confused and with a small nugget of insight that has better prepared me for the many joyful congratulations that loom in my future, but the truth is, I haven't. 

And still,  
(to borrow a favorite phrase of mine from another baby loss mommy) 
I remain in the grip of His grace,
Melissa

thoughts on birthdays

In the last few weeks
three very special mothers
celebrated the 1st heavenly birthday of their sweet girls.
Each of these women belong to an Anencephaly support group for mother's choosing to carry to term that I am also a part of. I remember the birth of these beautiful girls as if it were yesterday. My tears flowed filling buckets as I mourned their loss and celebrated the blessing of their daughters brief but impact full lives, as I anticipated the birth of my own blessing, Amelia Grace.

Please join me in sending special belated birthday wishes to
Ella, Karinne and Olivia
and maybe a little prayer for their mommies too!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Ella, Karinne and Olivia!

I realize to some of you who have never lost a child, that the idea of celebrating the birthday of a child in heaven might seem strange. But for many mommy's of babies in heaven, their baby's milestones, birthdays and anniversaries are a BIG deal. Whether they chose to recognize the day privately or with a public celebration such as a birthday party, mommies and daddies don't forget these special days of remembrance.

Tim and I have discussed (at length) ideas for how we intend to spend Amelia's first birthday. It may come as a surprise (or not) that initially we did not agree on much. We did decide that it would be best for our family to push back the c-section scheduling of Sam's birth from the 28th (Amelia's birthday) to the 29th. Many things factored into our decision. One of our hopes is that by doing so, we will be able to spend Amelia's birthday doing some special things together as a family.

If I had things my way, we would be having a HUGE birthday party, inviting all Amelia's family and friends to share in the festivities, including a 3 tier fondant cake, balloon release, crafts for the kids, etc...
Tim would rather not (and I totally get that!)
All of my best laid plans sound amazing in my head, but then I cringe at the thought of  people not coming to her party or dreading coming and feeling uncomfortable about a party for a dead baby. And I am brought back to the harsh reality that I am a mommy of children in heaven. So, unless someone has been just where I am; they aren't going to understand. That single fact, even though it makes me feel really lonely sometimes, also leaves me thankful. Thankful they have never had to bury a child...

Tim and I tossed around the idea of doing another blood drive similar to the drives held last June in Amelia's honor, but in the end, we decided against it.
however we have agreed,

To ask our friends and family (that's you!) to donate blood on their own in Amelia's memory anytime in the month of July. For those of you that would like to donate and are regular donors, I realize this may take some coordinating (which is why I am giving you a heads up now) but I hope you will consider it. :)  We would be honored if you would be willing to donate in her memory and let us know that you did. I can think of no better way to celebrate her life than giving life through the donation of blood.

You can call to schedule an appointment or to find a drive near you 1-800-RED-CROSS or go to www.redcrossblood.org

Greater love has no one than this:
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  

John 15:13 

and I quote...

“But there’s a decision that I find God is asking us to make: 

whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God, 

or whether we’re going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances.” 

~ Laura Story

You Are Beautiful

One of my blogger friends posted this MercyMe song recently. Although this song is about much more than baby loss, the message I heard when I listened to this song, was for our Amelia.
Having had the privilege of carrying Amelia Grace, I was challenged in many ways. Though there are a few things I would have done a bit differently looking back, I have no regrets in regards to carrying her to term. As the mother of a child with a condition such as Anencephaly I had some concerns about what it would be like on the day she was born, more specifically about the way should would look.

Despite any fears, I knew I would love her, just as she was, despite her imperfect skull, her open wound and "anencephalic" characteristics. My fears about her appearance were intensely "motherly." For the most part, I was fearful of others reaction to her. Would they shudder? Would they stare in morbid curiosity? Would they pity her? Ultimately would they think less of her, love her less because she was not a picture perfect infant?

I knew they would not see her as Tim, Noah and I did, with unconditional love. I was and am still VERY protective of my daughter. Tim and I were cautious of the photos on display at her service. Cautious not because we felt a need to hide her Anencephaly, but because we didn't want her defect to inhibit others from seeing just how beautiful she really was. Maybe it was too overprotective of us. Maybe we were inadvertently sending a message that we were ashamed of how she looked...

None of that matters now.
No doubt she is healed and playing at the feet of our Lord. Just as we will all be healed and made beautiful someday. For Tim and I, it's hard to imagine her as anything less than perfect; just as she was on the day of her birth and just as she is now, in heaven.

Miss you so much beautiful girl!




Beautiful - MercyMe
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His


Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of Amelia's blog before playing the video!

39 weeks - Giveaway!!!

Today I am happy to announce a "Giveaway" of sorts available to anyone who is facing a terminal pregnancy, or is pregnant with their rainbow or is just plain pregnant.

One of the most treasured things I was given while pregnant with lil' Miss Amelia was a fetal heart Doppler from another baby loss mommy. I could listen to Amelia's heartbeat, at home, anytime I wanted to! It was amazing!

Since discovering I was pregnant with our rainbow, Sam, I have continued to use the monitor whenever I feel uneasy or just need to remind myself, "Yes, this is real and it's going to be OK..."

All that being said, I have been in touch with some amazing folks at BabyBeat who have offered to do a 3 month promotion on Amelia's blog with a 10% discount of Doppler rental and a FREE keepsake CD of your little ones heartbeat. The code to receive this offer is AGL10.
(Your account will be flagged to receive the free CD when you rent the monitor.) Visit their website to redeem your discount and make a recording of your precious baby's heartbeat! http://www.babybeat.com/

Please do not hesitate to contact me with questions. I would love to help! In fact, I would love to hear from anyone who put this savings to use!

Miss Amelia's Heartbeat

² My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³ in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.   

Colossians 2

38 Weeks - It's been 9 months tomorrow

9 months since I held you 

in my arms for the first and last time here on this earth.

sigh

Your baby brother Sam 

has been much gentler on mommy's belly than you were ;)

Still, I was so grateful for every move you made!

Mommy always knew you were alive and well;

each kick, jab and belly roll...tiny blessings 

from the biggest soul I have ever known.

We miss you so very much baby girl.

It has been raining a lot here lately. 

Just like last year at this time, when you were safe in my tummy.

I think of you each time it rains and I smile 

knowing where you are 

there are no more tears,

no cloudy days,

only His glorious light.

Love you sweet girl!

Mommy

Psalm 139

written with love for all 

and for you, sweet Amelia Grace

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

37 Weeks - A Broken Cross, A Broken Heart

I arrived at Bergan Mercy for a 24 week u/s of Sam on Monday at around 3:50. My appointment wasn't until 4:15 and I was less than a block from the cemetery. I wanted to go, but I had only "driven by" once before without Tim or Noah with me. 
But I have time...I should go I thought.

When I pulled up I saw what no Mommy wants to see.

Everything we had put out for her, ALL of her decorations had been removed. All that remained was a battered green marker id-ing her spot as "Amelia Grace Lorang."

It looked like a paupers grave, forgotten and untended.

The tears came without control. I could hardly get out of the car.

I knew the cemeteries policies but had been under the impression that they "left Babyland alone."

Clearly they do not.

Beginning March 1st, all grave decorations must be attached or contained in a cemetery approved vase.

We have yet to purchase a marker for our little Amelia.

Which meant not only had all that we had lovingly placed there for her had been removed and piled in trash heap just behind the cemetery office, but that anything we placed there between now and mid November would be removed as well.

I have been planning for weeks, the design of an Easter basket for Amelia's grave that I now know cannot be.

I would not have expected to lose all emotional hold of myself at the realization that I could not decorate my daughter's grave. I hardly shed a tear at her funeral service for pities sake!!!!
Why this? Why now?

With the help of the Manager of the cemetery,
I waded through the garbage in search of Amelia's things.

Her pinwheel ~ gone...

sometimes people rummage through and take the nicer things, he explained.

Really?!?!?

Her Purple cross~only a portion remained dangling from the bent metal frame.

I managed to find a small angel and some remnants of her red Christmas flowers. The manager stood by as I tiptoed through the pile, asking...is there anything in particular you are looking for?

Not really I said. There was a pinwheel I said.  
Just her things I said.

I told him it was ok, I understood. There was nothing he could have done...

I quietly loaded the flowers and plastic angel  into the trunk of the Acura and hurried away the tender apologies of the manager trailing behind in the exhaust.

In the parking lot facing the maternity center where Amelia was born and died, I tried to pull myself togther. It took me almost 15 minutes just to stop crying enough, to walk through the hospital doors for my appointment.

My heart is still in pieces days later.
This morning I laid it all at the foot of the cross and I was comforted by these words...

 

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.

1 Corinthians 15:54

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 

Romans 6:4-5

Miss A's Blanket

Click this link!!! Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies: Miss A's blanket...

Anyone recognize these gorgeous footprints?!? This blanket is in the mail making its way to me right now! I can hardly believe it, this Mommy embroiders blankets just for baby loss mommies and daddies...isn't that so special! Yup, I think I love her. ;) ~Melissa

Sam - 24 weeks 4 days

Can you see his little face?
Weighing in at 1 lb 10 oz this "big" guy is doing great!

36 Weeks - about Noah

Since learning of Amelia's condition a little over a year ago, Tim and I have agonized over many things. If one thing has proved to be particularly difficult, is the best way to explain it all our son Noah.

At the time of her diagnosis, Noah was just 1 1/2 years old and barely understood that there was a baby in Mommy's belly. Each night in his bedtime prayer, we prayed for baby Sisa (he couldn't pronounce Amelia at first). We cherished every hug & "belly kiss" he gave her, wondering all the while, "How much of this does he really understand?" "How much of this will he remember?" "Will he remember his sister at all?"

We resolved ourselves to be honest with him when he asked about her, keeping it simple and as "un-alarming" as we possibly could. We questioned if we should have him with us at the hospital on her birthday and in the end decided, yes, he should have the chance to meet his sister. As it turned out, he was in the room when she died. Looking back I have often wondered, was she was hanging on just to meet him?
In the following weeks Noah would wander into "her room." One day,  wondering just what he was up to, I followed him in. He was looking at her picture! He pointed right at a famed photo of her and said "sisa."
He only saw her for a few short hours in the hospital and on the day of her funeral yet, he recognized her in a photograph.
He remembered her.
I cannot describe to you the wave of emotions that came over me in that moment.

Noah loves to look at pictures of her and to visit the cemetery, which we explained is a place we go to remember Sisa, rather than where she is buried. At first we had told him we were going to see Sisa, but that was just confusing when he could not actually see her there. We have told him that she is in heaven with Jesus but I just am not sure how to explain that her body is still here...
So far he has asked us very few questions but has made numerous references to her and statements about her. Some make me smile, others break my heart in two.

We had intended to wait until our 20 week ultrasound to tell Noah about our pregnancy, in hopes of avoiding confusion between this new baby and our Amelia, but he figured it out on his own (still baffles me!) and asked if there was a baby in my belly as we were reading his bedtime story.
Much to our surprise, he has never confused the two of them.
He has however asked some difficult questions about Sam.
The most heartbreaking of questions...
"Sam come home with us, Momma?
he come stay with us? at our house?"
I told him yes, but I'm not sure if I was very convincing. Most days I am not convinced that he will be coming home with us. I pray that he will. I think that he will, but I don't know that he will. How can I make that promise?

And still, the joys far outweigh the sorrows~when I remember the promises my Lord has made to me, to our family and to each of us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11

35 Weeks - selling the furniture

For those of you who have followed our story for some time,
will recall that, knowing with all my heart
at just 15 weeks, that Miss Amelia was indeed a Miss,
I purchased all but her crib in sweet anticipation of her arrival.
A few weeks ago Tim and I decided that the time had come
to sell Amelia's furniture.
We had no place to store it,
no extra bedroom to furnish,
and if I am completely honest,
it served as little more than a painful reminder
of the dreams we once had of raising a little girl.
I hung onto it in hopes that Amelia's little sister
would be joining our family this summer,
even though I knew from the beginning, that Sam, was well, Sam
and more than likely would not be in need of his big sister's nursery furniture!

Last week we sold it on Craig's List, split up amongst two families.
It went very smoothly, Praise be to God!
And happened very quickly
which I was very, very thankful for...
I have always been a "pull the band aid off fast and get it over with" kinda gal!

The room looked so empty without her furniture.
But it has always been an empty room
without Amelia.

Despite our plans to time delivery of Sam's furniture
to follow the refinishing of the floors in the nursery,
we ended up bringing home his furniture (in part)
the day after Amelia's was moved out.
I have walked in that room at least a hundred times.
I keep thinking it will get easier.
and it has
in some ways.
But for us there will always be an empty room, empty highchair, car-seat...

I often worry that people think of Sam as a replacement
for Amelia.
As if somehow having him means we never lost Amelia.
Kinda' crazy I know, surely no one actually thinks that!!!
It think it's just the Momma bear in me. :)
Sometimes I feel like I should wear a shirt that reads -
CAUTION Healing Mommy heart inside.
or maybe more like this...

rather than the growing belly holding my precious rainbow baby
that signals 'Baby on Board' everything is OK now
Then maybe people could not so quickly forget
the sweet baby held in this very belly just last year.

 ¹⁴ Yet Jerusalem says, “The Lord has deserted us;
      the Lord has forgotten us.”

 ¹⁵ “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
      Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
   But even if that were possible,
      I would not forget you!
 ¹⁶ See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
      Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.

Isaiah 49:14-18 

(New Living Translation)

34 weeks - Isaiah 43:1-4

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—

   he who created you, Jacob,

   he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,

   I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

   they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

   you will not be burned;

   the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD your God,

   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

   Cush and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

   and because I love you...

So many things changed 

after we found out about Amelia's condition

for me this verse became a reality 

not just some old text from the Bible 

in which God speaks to an unfaithful Israel.

It is text written in love for me.

God breathed scripture 

meant for me to discover

to unravel

to cherish.

These are more than words,

they are God's promise

to each of us.

Do not fear.

I will be with you.

I love you.

You are mine.

8 Months - We'll meet all 3

I don't mention it often.
Hardly ever actually.
And when I mention my miscarriage,
I never mention there were 2.

We had almost "forgotten" ourselves
until I read "Heaven Is For Real"
last week and my dreams became filled
with visions of the children we never got to meet.
They were with us such a short, short time
but we loved them - and love them still.

I still remember
when we went in for our very first appointment
we were so excited that we would be getting an u/s right away.
We had no idea what to expect;
we just knew we were expecting
and we were over the moon with happiness!

At first our ob saw only one little embryo
that had no heartbeat.
I remember him struggling a bit and then 
he found the second baby, heart beating beautifully.
You could see the relief in his eyes
as he turned the screen our way and described what we were seeing.
This happens sometimes he explained.
Without an early u/s you might have never known 
there were 2 in the beginning.
It shouldn't effect your pregnancy.

We left grainy u/s print off in hand.
Proud first time parents.
It felt strange, but we just accepted it as
something that happens.
We proudly paraded the photo,
explaining to some...there were actually 2
but one didn't make it.
To others were just pointed out the "top" and "bottom"
of our precious little "bean"

And then at 13 weeks
we we crushed to discover
that our bean's heart had stopped beating.
We'll have you do a confirmation u/s just to be sure
our doctor had said
so off we went to have our fears confirmed.
As he rolled back and forth over our dead baby
we watched eyes fixed on the large "silent screen"
at one point I had to turn away my gaze.
It hurt to much.
We were scheduled for a D&C.
The next few days were so hard.
They were so very hard.

It was surreal.
It hurt.
I felt empty.
But God healed our hearts
and just over 6 months later we became pregnant with Noah.
We held our breath at every u/s
until we were well into the 2nd trimester.
because, after you make it through the 1st trimester 
there is nothing to worry about right...
oh, how naive we were!
What I wouldn't give not to know what I know now.
 
I share this story today in joyful anticipation.
That's right I said JOYFUL ANTICIPATION.

anticipation of heaven and holding those sweet little souls
joy because I know that at this very moment they are in His presence.
There is nothing here on earth that trumps that.
They are safe and happy right where they are at.
And it won't be long until we are all together again.

So no, I 'm not angry.
No, I don't hate God.
No, I don't believe God has turned his back on me
or is teaching me a lesson out of anger or spite.
No, I don't want your pity
and I certainly do not want you to turn from God as a result of witnessing our losses.
That would break my heart into thousands of pieces in fact.
(that may be an entire additional post)

Yes, I get sad sometimes.
Yes, I miss Amelia and my babies
paticularly on milestone days like today
has it really been 8 months?!?! sigh
BUT
I believe we live in a fallen world.
I don't belong here any more than my children did.
Heaven is my home.

    ⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. 

Matthew 7:7-12

 ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, 

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 

John 3:16

⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: 

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

33 Weeks - more on heaven

So that book really got me focused on heaven this past week...
so much so I might risk forgetting the blessing of being alive,
right here-right now! :)
In this life I feel so very blessed.
In my youth I recall something deep inside me always pushing for
more, more, more
Never settle
Never be satisfied

Looking back my mantra fit my goals
...the inner most desires of my heart.
Things have changed a bit in the past few years.
My mantra has changed - my heart has changed.
I no longer have the same goals.
I'd like to say the switch is
more cross sighted than my youth,
and it is, some days.

As I have mentioned several times before,
Amelia has changed several things about me,
how I see the world,
and how I want to exist in it.
But mostly, she has made me homesick.
I just can't wait for that day.
The question becomes,
what should I do with myself in the meantime.
Lucky for me, a 2.5 year old son, full time job,
church activities, a husband and a new little one on the way
are doing just fine at keeping me occupied. :)
Am I really this lucky?
I am still amazed at what God has entrusted me with.

While my heart seems in limbo
half bound here on earth
and half uplifted to the heavens,
I still have work to do right here in river city.
(sorry - just couldn't resist the obscure musical pun)
Seriously though,
I am still here.
and I have some seriously big baby booties to fill in my lifetime,
don't I!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
John 10:10

  "Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. 

No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 14:6

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you. 
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." 
 Deuteronomy 31:8

32 Weeks - Heaven is for REAL

A few months ago my Mom came across this text to purchase for her Kindle. She was intrigued both by the content of the book and by the setting. This true story takes place in western Nebraska, (Imperial/North Platte etc.) Places that, growing up in Nebraska, are more than familiar to us.
They are home.

She told me about the book right away
and I immediately put it on reserve at the Omaha Public Library.
I guess it's a pretty popular book
because I am still waiting in line.

Yesterday I received somewhat of a random email
from a gal that I lived with for one summer while I was in college.
Kind of a friend of a friend kinda thing...
We did not become close friends that summer. Not in the least.
It was a strange summer in more ways than one,
but that is a story for another day.

Anyway, she had emailed me shortly after Amelia's diagnosis
to say that God had put it on her heart to offer up her husbands photography services to us.
By this time God had already lined up a photographer for Amelia's birthday.
Now I think He might have had something else in mind
when he opened her heart to reach out to me...

She emailed me again yesterday.
She didn't know it was the one year anniversary of D-Day
but she had come across a link to a story about a little boy who had been to heaven, she saw my name in her address book and decided to send it my way. She sent the link to 7 people including me.
I don't know any of the other six,
but I hope they were as blessed by it as I was.

You see, when Colton goes to heaven
he has the chance to meet many people.
One of those people is his sister.
She had died as a result of miscarriage at just 2 months gestation.
Colton knew nothing about her
until he found him self smothered in hugs from her in heaven.

I know Amelia is in heaven. I do.
I know the babies we lost are in heaven.
But sometimes it just feels good to hear it.
He knows the world weighs us down.
Sin and Satan tempt us with fear and doubt.
He knows.
He also knows just when we need a little wink
and he always answers our prayers.
Yesterday, this boy's story was the answer to mine.

When my husband walked in the door last night
he had in his hands, this book.
;)
We don't really exchange gifts.
(Not even at Christmas.)
So it is no exaggeration to say this gift was special.


Yesterday was a tough, tough day.
I miss my babies more and more each day
and long to be with them and Him more than I can say.

Yup, Heaven IS for REAL folks,
and you are definitely gonna' like it.

D-Day...

..Diagnosis Day
March 15th, 2010.
A day that will be burned into my memory forever.
The day we were told our daughter would not live.
Can it really be 1 year since we found out about our sweet Amelia's anencephaly?

So far this morning
the entire day has played in my head more than 10 times.
I have hummed the tune of "I Will Carry You"
at least 10 times more.
Honestly, I've tried to forget this day,
but it remains interlaced with joys
I treasure.
The day we saw her via u/s for the first time.
A first glimpse of each little rib- her perfect feet...
The first time we saw her suck her thumb
The day we were told, it's a girl.
The day we named her.
The day we knew we could not keep her.
It was not the day I had hoped it would be.

Part of me wishes I could just stream my memories onto this blank computer screen
and let you see for yourself the music video like memory I hold of the day.
There was a tragic, poetic beauty to the day
that I just cannot put into words yet.
Looking back I can see God's hand in it all.
I can see His arms wrapped around us as we waited to see the head of Maternal Fetal Medicine.
I can see Him carrying us out the doors of the hospital in a fog.
He was always there.

Is it strange that I "experience the day" more in my memory
than I was able to as the events unfolded in real time.
In the moment I was so detached and confused,
but the memory remains so real and the emptiness so painfully tangible.
She's gone.
It doesn't get any more real.

And still,
my heart overflows at the joy of being her mother.
God gave us you, Amelia.
God gave us you.

Until we meet again...



I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says...

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

31 Weeks - the last speech

Thank you all so much for your prayers regarding our ultrasound this Monday as well as my speaking for the staff at Nebraska Organ Recovery (NOR). You already know about the results of the u/s.

As for the speech, It went fine.
I had two surprises at NOR
The first was sad news that our coordinator Todd was no longer with the organization. I was kind of looking forward to seeing him.  The second was a women, whose name I did not catch, who commented near the close of my time with the group that she had read my article.

At first I thought she was referring to the blog. But then she shared that she was in Glenwood caring for a hospice patient at the time the article written in The Opinion-Tribune (Glenwood, IA) was published. She recalled she had read our story and sobbed.
Small world.

I had typed up an outline of what I wanted to say in case I found myself too emotional to focus or at a lack of words. I was a bit more emotional than I have been in previous talks about Amelia (thanks to pregnancy hormones and a sweet heart recipient who spoke just before I did) but the words came and I never even opened up the folded speech in front of me. I was far from eloquent or verbose, but I was honest and open about our journey with our daughter. I pray that they walked away with a bit more than what they came to the table with that day. I pray that they left with a little bit of Amelia tucked in close to their hearts.

This was the last of my scheduled speeches about Amelia Grace.
I do feel a sense of relief,
but also a bit of sadness.
I love talking about her, telling her story
and having others recognize me as her mother.
It is such a gift to be "Amelia's Mommy."
God is so good...

Samuel Vern

It has been a whirlwind of days, weeks and months
leading up to what I am going to share with you today.

It is the story, from the very beginning, of our son Samuel Vern.
Those of you who have followed our family over the past year,
already know the story our sweet Amelia Grace
who went home to heaven July 28, 2010.

On our journey with and without Amelia
we have been blessed to gain new friendships
forged by a common bond
each of us wishes desperately that we did not share;
that bond is the loss of a child.
All of these women/men mean so much to me!
There is one women and child/ren in particular
who have a special place beside us on our journey.

For whatever reasons God had in mind,
He chose for us to find each other.
Jennifer and her husband/family lost their little Eli in 2010.
They too received a terminal diagnosis and chose to carry their son.
Jennifer blogs in honor of her son, which is how we first connected.

From the beginning I felt a strong connection to Jennifer and her son Eli.
Every time I saw or wrote Amelia's name (or my own) I would think of them
as the name Eli is inside the names amELIa and mELIssa.
Silly little connections like these kept popping up,
drawing me closer to this very special mother and son.
Definitely Godwinks my friends!

This past November Jennifer shared with me
the joyous news that they were expecting again.
She emailed me with a very special request.
She wanted to know if we would mind
if they named their daughter Amelia.
We of course had no problem with that,
and were flattered that she would extend such
an extreme courtesy in asking our blessing!
Jennifer's Amelia and Eli will (in part) share a name.
The two also share a due date just one year apart. sigh
(sound familiar anyone?!?!)

Wondering what all of this has to do with our little Samuel?
(oh and yes btw, IT'S A BOY!)
Allow me to explain...

It all started on the week of my birthday (Nov 9). I was in the shower and I started thinking/praying about Jennifer, Eli, our Amelia's. Out of left field it occurs to me - If I were to be pregnant right now (we have a habit of conceiving around my birthday..) that baby would have aprox. the same due date as Amelia Grace (1 year later) just like Jennifer's Amelia and Eli share a due date! Hmmm, I think, maybe we should name our baby Eli- wouldn't that be nice...and then all of a sudden (I swear I am not a crazy women-please believe me!) a firm voice in my head says, "no, his name is Samuel Vern." Ok, I think...that was random! I go about my day (no big deal right?!?!)

Then the following week I am devoting some thought to prayer and I am brought to a verse in 1 Samuel
As I begin to read the text I immediately notice the name Eli and then Samuel. Maybe you are familiar with the story of Hannah? ("For this child, I prayed.") Hannah wanted to have a baby really bad - so badly in fact, that while praying (to conceive a child) in the temple she was mistakenly thought to be drunk by the priest Eli...

 ¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

 ¹⁸ She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

 ¹⁹ Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. ²⁰ So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.”

1 Samuel 1:17-20

As it turns out I was indeed pregnant
with a son.
A son conceived in the days surrounding my birthday
and the previously mentioned 'shower incident.'
A son due on August 4, 2011, precisely one year,
from the day we buried our sweet Amelia Grace.
Amelia's due date was August 2, 2010.
Call me insane, call me what you will,
but if you cannot see God's hand in all of this craziness
I just don't know what to say to you but
GODWINK!!

Still not sold on these Godwinks just yet?
No worries, there is more to tell!!!!
In January, in the midst of all these winks
about the name/gender of our little baby,
I received an email from The Baby Center.

The email detailed the top 100 baby names in 2010.
Of course I quickly scanned the list
to find out where Noah and Amelia's name's ranked.
I found Noah's name first. (#6)

Then I got to Amelia's.(#44)
I just happened to glance over to the
corresponding popular boys name and well...see for yourself.
G-O-D-W-I-N-K.

(click on image to enlarge)

All of this being said,
we feel it would be ridiculous
to attempt to name our son anything other than
the name that was given to him at the time he was conceived,
Samuel Vern.

It is a very special name to us for several reasons (see above) :)
Samuel means "asked of God."
It could not be more perfect.
I cannot tell you how I prayed
for this pregnancy, this child,
before and each day since
we saw a plus sign on Thanksgiving Day.

His middle name, Vern,
is my Grandpa Raabe's first name,
and my father's middle name.
Noah's middle name is Rodney, Tim's father's name,
so it is fitting that our precious Samuel,
carry the name of my father & grandfather.

May God continue to bless and protect this very special gift,
our son,
Samuel Vern Lorang.

So without further adieu,
I am pleased to share with you
a picture of our dear son Sam.

30 Weeks - big things

This week we passed yet another milestone.
7 Months since we held our daughter in our arms.
7 Months since we said hello and good bye.
7 Months since I heard her sweet little baby voice.
Words elude me once again.
Our grief is still so heavy,
in moments it seems that maybe the sting has lessened
I almost think to myself, was it just a dream?
But then reality finds me.
I can just be standing in our bathroom
and I find my eyes burning with tears
stomach knotted tight
and my lips mouthing,
"oh God Tim, our baby..."
and I am back right where I began
broken
at the foot of the cross
crying out for mercy, forgiveness and healing.

We have some big things around the corner.
I am hoping you will pray for us as we prepare for the 2nd ultrasound in our nuchal translucency screening.
The ultrasound is this coming Monday, March 7th.
Pray for peace for us as we count down the days in anticipation.
That our Lord calm our troubled hearts as we battle our fears and place our trust and hope in the one who has our names inscribed in His hands. Grant our medical providers the skill and compassion needed for all those in their care. And please pray that no matter the outcome of this ultrasound and testing, that our Lord be glorified in every heartbeat, every tear and every whispered prayer.

I plan on taking the day off work that day.
I have been asked to address the staff of Nebraska Organ Recovery in Omaha about Anenecephaly, our experience with organ donation and carrying our sweet Amelia.
I will speak to them at 9:30am.
Will you pray for that speaking engagement as well?
Pray that my words and our story will open doors, minds and hearts of their staff, some of whom may have never heard of this condition. And again please pray that God be given the glory with every heartbeat, every tear and every whispered prayer.

My prayer remains the same,
the words are simple and I often just repeat them over and over again, "Use me Lord, use me."

7 Months - a new pinwheel

(click on the image to enlarge)

29 weeks - Godwinks

Today I want to share with you a new word I learned this week
via a fellow baby loss blogger, Holly's site.
The word is
Godwink.
Rather than attempt to describe this idea myself
I have included the definition as told by author SQuire Rushnell.

"WHAT'S A GODWINK?(Answered by SQuire Rushnell)
A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"
What do godwinks mean? Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew. It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone.""

"WHAT ARE "GODWINK LINKS."
We've all had the experience of an unexpected phone call from someone we were just thinking about, but hadn't thought about in years. Or...we've run into someone on the street who completely changed the direction of our life. We often say, "Wow...what a godwink." Yet we rarely ask, "What caused that person to call me at that moment?" or, "What caused that person to be at the same place I was, at just the right time?""

Before I go any further on this topic I have to say.
I have not read any of SQuire's books. (I have heard they are good)
I don't know if I will ever read them.
I might not agree with anything he says in his books.
But I will tell you what he has given me this week.
He has given me a word to describe the moments
when I have clearly felt God's presence or reassurance
that Amelia is safe in His arms
in little things like,
Butterflies
Perfectly timed gifts
Coincidence in Am(ELI)a's name
Strangely worn jewelry
Offers to photograph our daughters birthday
A kind email
There are truly to many to list.

Well, I have to tell you
I had a little Godwink this week.
For those of you that know me well
it will come as no surprise that at 17 weeks pregnant
I have already begun planning this child's baptism day.
This week in particular,
I began the hunt for the perfect baptism cake.
Noah's baptism cake was a bit of a disaster
so my hope is that this cake will be
well, better to say the least.

Me and good ol' Google began the hunt
in a search for "baptism cakes"
I probably looked at images of over 200+ cakes.
As I searched, a seemingly out of place cake
popped up on to my screen.
It was a gorgeous 2 tier fondant cake
covered in white daisies.
I immediately thought of a new baby loss momma
friend of mine named Stacy.
Her daughter Rachel
sits at the feet of Jesus at this very moment
with our little Amelia. sigh
Daisies are to Stacy
as butterflies are to us,
reminders of our sweet baby girls.

The minute I saw it I felt compelled to send it to her
and let her know I was thinking of her and Rachel.
I clicked on the image to take a closer look
and saw something I hadn't noticed at first.
A top the cake rested a single white butterfly.
"Awww," I thought to myself, "miss you sweet girl."
I emailed her the photo
and continued my search.
I was just about to wrap up when I noticed another cake...
could it be another daisy cake amidst the crosses and doves?!?!?
It was indeed a daisy cake.
You'll never guess what I saw at the very top...
a small pink butterfly.
sigh

yup, I'm lovin' the Godwinks.

28 Weeks - a messy gift

I have been challenged lately with the experience of being pregnant while grieving the loss of Amelia.
The journey for us remains an arduous one.
Particularly now that we are pregnant.
I struggle daily with a delicate balance of
Hope and Joy in this new life growing in me
and heartache at the absence of Amelia in our lives.

I often feel at a loss
in a struggle to enjoy this pregnancy.
I feel a level of guilt that I am not happier or fearless about this child.

Last night, or this morning rather (1am)
I awoke and realized something.
It's OK with me that I am not meeting the expectation
of an excited and beaming mother to be.
I don't need my emotions to be perfectly collected and boxed with a satin bow on top.
This pregnancy doesn't need to be just like my previous 3.
I am different.
This pregnancy is different
(and would have been even if Amelia was still here!!)

It is what it is
and in any form
with any mixture of emotions
it remains
a gift.
No matter how poor the packaging.
It is a gift I welcome a new every morning
with every "annoying" pregnancy symptom
and every motherly twinge of fear or worry.
I welcome it all,
if it means I get to claim the title of mother
just one more time.

The reality is I am no longer just an expectant mother.
I am a grieving and expectant mother.
Yeah, it's a bit complicated,
but that's OK with me.

27 Weeks - Love

Today I find myself at a bit of a loss for words...

With Valentine's Day just around the corner I had intended this post to be all about LOVE.
The problem is I have no clue how to describe love with any words that come close to an accurate description of the loves of my life...
my Love for Amelia
my Love for the Lord
my Love for my Husband
my Love for Noah...
I suppose this lack of "the right words"
is why we often borrow them at this time of year
with a famous poem or the perfectly written greeting card.
Or maybe some things just can't be expressed in words...

26 Weeks - shame on me...

..for not explaining the term "rainbow baby!" I have used the term a couple times and just recently someone was brave enough to ask me what it meant. I am so sorry for not explaining the term earlier!

Below is the best definition I could find...

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Some cultures believe that a rainbow is a bridge between heaven and earth and of course you are familiar with the pots of gold found at the end!!!

For our family, the term rainbow baby acts as a reminder from our Lord of His covenant with us in the book of Genesis. God kept His promise to Noah and to us. As we journeyed with Amelia and as we have journeyed without her, rainbows have taken special meaning...you might recall this from a blog entry in the weeks following Amelia's death.

"Yesterday as we traveled, the sky was dark as we enjoyed (yet another) rainy day. The rain will forever remind me of our little Amelia, as the months that I carried her were filled with rain, flooding and more rain. In a previous blog entry, I reflected on God's promise "that it will not rain forever." Yesterday, God renewed that promise with our family. As we drove, we were blessed with not one, but two rainbows. I know, I know, a rainbow is common place, and far from a miracle. And still, Tim and I could not recall the last time we had seen one. We marveled over the colors, thought of our little girl, and the promises God has already fulfilled in our lives and the lives of "strangers" through her brief life."

It was on that car trip that Tim and I first spoke seriously of having more children...of having a rainbow baby. One of my favorite things to do on long road trips is to torture Tim with baby name ideas. I try to think of the most obscure names and watch his response. It may sound silly but we have had a lot of fun and laughs with this game.

It was hard to play my little game on that particular road trip. :(

We did however come up with our current girl name

(if we are blessed with another daughter) on that drive.

The name was inspired by...you guessed it...RAINBOWS.

The name we like is Violet.

It also happens to be Tim's grandmother's name

adding even more "specialness" ;)

So we'll just have to wait and see

what our Lord has in mind for this baby.

I have resolved myself to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

Similar to how we walked our pregnancy with Amelia.

Today I am pregnant.

Today I will rejoice.

Tomorrow I will wake up and I pray I can say again.

Today I am pregnant.

Today I will rejoice.

Rejoicing in each day
as it comes; that's the plan.

Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.” Then God said to Noah, “Yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17

the good, the bad, and the ugly

When I opened my in-box this morning I received a notification that someone had posted a new comment on the recent "6 Month Missing Amelia" post. It was the kind of comment that no blogging baby loss mommy appreciates.

Anonymous posted:
"As I read all these posts I feel sad. Sad that Amelia is not with you, but sad more for Noah, because he is still with you and seems like you are dwelling on losing her when hey Noah is still with you! "

The very first thing I did was delete the comment.
Second, I considered whether I should respond.
Since the commenter chose to post anonymously,
I was unable to do so privately.

I feel that part of my purpose in blogging
is as a voice for the baby loss community.
For that reason I decided a response was warranted.

First and foremost I would like to say
this comment breaks my heart.
It is hurtful and judgmental
and is not in ANY way loving or constructive.
That's enough about that.

Second, I'm am so very grateful
to be surrounded by such an amazing and supportive
group of friends and family
particularly within the baby loss community.
I am so grateful for you.
I'm grateful that you all have shared your walk with me,
and allowed me to share mine with you.
Grateful that you have not been silenced
by your fears or your grief...
others have heard your story and have been encouraged by it.
I have been encouraged by it.
You are an amazing community of mothers and fathers.
God's grace and mercy shines through you and your children.

 ²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Ephesians 4:29

6 Months Missing Amelia

Sweet Amelia,

With every month that passes since you left us 

I find myself bewildered all over again.

Has it really been 6 months since I held you?

For me time has slowed, the world goes on, 

but I can still close my eyes 

and put myself right back into that hospital room with you;

hearing your voice, kissing your cheeks.

Almost daily, I toggle between wishing that you know just how very much your daddy, brother and I miss you, and wishing...hoping that you don't know how much it hurts us that you are not here. 

Knowing you are safe and happy with Jesus is such a comfort, 

but it still so hard to go on without you.

Today I am finally getting around to mailing in the fingerprint impression we made on your birthday. I have been scared to mail it in until now for fear that something would happen to it in the mail or while being made into a charm, and it would be lost forever. I couldn't bear the idea of losing another piece of you...

But today, on your 1/2 birthday, I'm going to be strong enough. 

I'm going to let go, and pray 

this charm finds its way back to me safely.

It seems ages until I will see you again.

Oh, how I miss you sweet baby...

oh, how Mommy misses you.

I am so blessed to be your mommy.

If there is any goodness or strength in me

it is from Him, and through you.

You are the very best of me.

Sending you butterfly kisses and all of my love,

Mommy

Priceless Prints

Click this image to enlarge

A Song for Amelia  
Please pause player below to listen to 
"Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle

Although this song may seem more of a lamentation,

when I hear the words of this song I find a much different message
and I see her heavenly face. 

-Melissa

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

25 Weeks - Remembering Amelia

click this image to enlarge

Sunday I had the honor of speaking
as the parent reflection at a memorial service
honoring babies lost at Alegent Hospitals in Omaha
from July through December of this last year.
It was another opportunity to speak our daughters name out loud
It is such a blessing to share her story with others.
Such a blessing to speak her name, and to let her legacy live on.

It was a lovely ceremony,
including a candle lighting and reading of the infants names.
Each mother was given a single white rose.
It felt good to stand before those parents
and affirm the value of their child's life.

They were here,
even if for only a moment.
They mattered.
They lived.
They are remembered.
They are loved.
They are worth EVERY tear. 

When I got home I placed the rose and candle
in a small cubby in our dining room where I have
a remembrance candle and cherub baby
that were gifts to us following Amelia's death.

I have spent some time worrying over how and where to create
a special place in our house to display Amelia's things.
But truth is, she is everywhere in our home,
she is in every room we are in.
Her absence is felt in every space.

She was here.
She mattered.
She lived.
She is remembered.
She is loved.
She is worth EVERY tear.



Psalm 42:1-5  
¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.
 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

12 Weeks - Amelia's baby brother or sister

There s/he is-looking right at you!!

I know, it's not the most obvious of pictures

but it is indeed a picture of our

healthy baby.

God is good all the time.

Thank you so much for your prayers

and please keep them coming,

we still have a long road ahead of us.

But today was the first step

and I am very happy to say

NO anencephaly.

Prayer Request

Ever since we found out we were pregnant again, we have been anticipating our 12 week diagnostic ultrasound (u/s) with the head of Maternal Fetal Medicine at Bergan Mercy Hospital in Omaha. The day is finally (almost) here this coming Monday. The u/s will happen at the same hospital, office, doctor and possibly room where we learned of Amelia's Anencephaly.
The same hospital she was born and died in.
We have not been back to the hospital since her birth.
I have prayed that God's peace will find us on this day and give me the strength to get though those doors without completely falling to pieces.
I believe God has answered my prayer and "opened the door."

I really needed a good reason to walk through those doors again.
It may sound silly but I needed to walk through those doors for Amelia...
and God has given me that chance.
We will indeed have the chance to walk through those doors
this Sunday (just 1 day before our u/s)
for an infant loss remembrance service
that I have been asked to speak at.
God's timing is always perfect!
The last time I walked into that hospital she was safe in my belly.
This time she will be safe in the arms of Jesus and foremost on my heart. sigh

Sunday, I will walk through those doors again, in her honor, focusing only on her and Him.
Monday, I will do it again for her baby brother or sister.
I am so blessed!

One of the things I came to understand more fully
on this journey with our little Amelia is that
Prayer is so powerful!

That being said,
If you wouldn't mind...
Could you please say a prayer for the families I will speak to on Sunday and that the Holy Spirit will give me the words they need to hear?
Will you pray for the outcome of this u/s for our new little baby? That whatever the outcome, this new life be used for His glory! And, if it is His will, that this baby (and mommy) be brought through this pregnancy healthy and safe.
We would so appreciate every single prayer.

¹⁷ But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. 

2 Timothy 4:17

    ⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 

⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

 ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  

¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 

¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 

Matthew 7:7-11

24 Weeks - Taking down the tree - Someday

I have been waiting to take down our tree.
Waiting for the last of Amelia's ornaments to arrive.
Yesterday, posted from the U.K.,
the last ornament arrived.
Each ornament shown above has a very special story,
and each of them has touched my heart this season.

The butterfly at the top left is one of 3 butterfly ornaments given to us
by my Aunt Jean & Uncle Dale.
With the ornaments was a poem that explained,
the gift of three butterflies...even in the winter.
Some of you may recall a previous post where I explained how
butterflies remind us of our little Amelia
and hoped that God would send us butterflies- even in the winter.

The top right is a gift from Lorrie, Ella's Aunt.
Ella is a very special baby, who like our sweet Amelia,
at this very moment sits at Jesus feet. sigh
The kids don't have personalized stockings yet,
so this year we used this ornament to id Amelia's stocking
and one of Noah's ornaments to id his.
It was perfect.

The middle left was described in a previous post
and was given to us the day of  Amelia's funeral.
It is a locket
engraved on the inside
Amelia Grace

The middle right is a gift from a blogging Mama
from the UK who lost her precious daughter
Florence Violet in July 2009.
She blogs at http://lazyseamstress.blogspot.com/
and describes her blog as "a rather odd mix of sewing and grief."
I always enjoy reading her posts.

The bottom seashell ornament is a gift from my choir buddy
and sweet friend, Lois.
I mentioned in a previous post that Christmas Eve
was a particularly difficult church service for me.
This ornament was given to me that night
just after the service ended
(along with a special gift for Noah I might add!)
I don't think I have ever seen something so beautiful.
Tim and I opened it when I came home from church
by the light of our Christmas tree.
It was one of my favorite Christmas memories this year.
It reads:
Every Life Leaves Something Beautiful Behind

I'm leaving the tree up a bit longer,
but not too much longer!!
But, I'm just not quite ready yet.
As for the ornaments,
I can't promise you they will be boxed up with the others.
They are just to pretty to hide away till next year...