Tuesday, May 11, 2010

not ready

I have memories of this point in my pregnancy with Noah. They are memories of what is often referred to in child birth education classes and texts as nesting. I call it Mamma Bear Panic. I have vague memories of the exact moments of panic (Tim can probably remember better than I!), but I do remember my thoughts and prayers always included..."Dear Lord, HELP, I'm not ready!"

I thought this pregnancy would be different. I am, after all, an experienced Mother. I've bought all the stuff, done the nursing thing, pulled off the late nights, slept in a chair all night with a sick baby, installed a car seat...this time I thought only minimal panic would ensue at an unclean house or a partially packed hospital bag, but surely this time I would not find myself making the same plea..."Dear Lord, HELP, I'm not ready!"

I am just over 28 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy, I have already prayed/panicked more times than I can count, "Dear Lord, HELP, I'm not ready!" But this time, it is not over outfits or feeding supplies, a painted nursery or assembled crib, car seats or a packed hospital bag. There will be nothing left undone that must be done. And still I know, this time I will not be ready to go to the hospital.

I will never be ready to go to the hospital; never be ready to say goodbye to my sweet Amelia.

I will pray. I will prepare. The time will come but, I will not be ready.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.


AmyV said...

Makes you wish we could stop time, and bask in the moment for a little longer. Makes 9 months seem like not near enough time. Such a different perspective, when you can hold your child safe in your womb yet the day you are hoping for, the birth, isn't the day in the pregnancy that you are ready for.

Anonymous said...

We are continuing to pray for you and your family.
A Mother’s Love cannot be measured by increments of time...
an entire lifetime of love can be squeezed into a few brief
miraculous moments when necessary…."


Jennifer said...

Oh, I am so sorry that you are in this season in your life. I do remember feeling such anxiety before Eli was born and thinking those same thoughts. Particularly two days before he was born. I actually blogged about my fears also. God is an amazing God! In our situation, He took over and planned every minute detail and it was perfect according to his plan. I pray that God gives you peace that only He can. I found such comfort in John 14:27 during those panicky moments. Thinking of you!

Unknown said...

You can never really be ready to let your child go.