D-Day, 3 years ago today.

not compatible with life

If I close my eyes I can still see the word anencephaly scribbled out on the back of an appointment reminder card. In the moments and hours following Amelia's diagnosis I could not remember the name anencephaly or how to pronounce it. I had to have the head of maternal fetal medicine at Bergan Mercy write it down for me.

We left the hospital that day broken and empty handed, with the exception of that appointment reminder card.

Time has not erased the memory of that day,
nor has it lessened the blow.

Her birthday (also the day of her death) I treasure and hold dear
moment by moment, image by image
emblazoned on my heart
imprinted in my mind.

March 15th, I do not.
This day holds no healing
no joy
no beauty

just pain
and an appointment reminder card inked with the word
anencephaly.


and still He was with us
as He remains with us to this day
so we remain grateful
hopeful and blessed
the darkness cannot consume us.
anencephaly did not win the day.

Psalm 42 vs 1-8

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.