Some Birthday Pictures

Noah telling me he has his "Amelia Bracelet" on.

Amelia's Memorial butterfly at the Henry Doorly Zoo

Amelia's birthday (cup)cakes made by Mommy

Three balloons on their way to Amelia...

Want to see all the birthday celebration pictures?

Here you go.

One year ago today, I held a piece of heaven.

Sweet Amelia,

It was just one year ago I held you in my arms for the first time.
One year ago today that I held a piece of heaven.

Words cannot describe how very much I miss you now, and how empty my arms, my heart, and our family is without you here with us. Not a second goes by that we don't think of you, love you or long for you. Not a moment that I don't praise God for giving you to me, my sweet blessing of rain drops and butterflies.

Today on your earthly birthday, I can't help but wonder what amazing things you have seen and are being shown to you today, as you sit at Jesus' feet. I pray that to you it will seem like just moments before I am with you again.

There is so much more on my heart today sweet girl.
Yet somehow, I know that there is no need to say a word of it, no need to send up a balloon with a message perfectly penned in love for you, no need to toil over the words until they are just so, because I know you already know all that is in my heart. We remain connected you and I; mother and daughter.

You are never more than a whisper away sweet baby.

Love,
Mommy

1 Year of Wednesdays

This week I have been bombarded with butterflies :)
and blessed with a couple very special gifts
from some amazing baby loss Mama's!

I still can't believe Amelia's birthday is here.
I will never forget July 28, 2010. It's hers.
It seems like just a moment ago I held her in my arms,
told her I loved her,
marveled at how beautiful she was,
kissed her adorable lips...
has it really been a year?
Have I been documenting my grief
and our journey for that long?
Days like today make it feel so painfully raw, real and recent.

I want to share with you 1 of the amazing gifts I received this week
from my friend in the journey, Stacy.
I know I have mentioned her and her precious Rachel here before.
When I received this package in the mail on Monday,
I hadn't even opened up the outer Amazon box before I announced to the guys
that it was a gift from Rachel's Mommy,
I just knew.


Birthday gift from Stacy and ^Rachel^

 The story behind the gift...as written by Stacy
"When I was at the hospital with my sister on the 15th, she brought me down to the gift shop to look at the willow trees to see which one I would like for my bday. I saw one I like (holding the forget-me-nots) but was wishing there was one with daisies. We went back to her room and I searched on line to see. And since I was looking at all of them, saw the one I sent you. It is called the "Freedom Angel". I immediately wanted to get it for you cause of the butterfly, but I was wishing it had a different name cause I wanted it to be more relevant for Amelia.
A couple days later in church, we sang the "Freedom Reigns" song that I have on my blog. That night as I was writing my post, "There is freedom" I thought of Amelia... and knew the name of that angel was perfect for your Angel. Here is the last 2 paragraphs from that post...

Where the Spirit of the Lord is... There is freedom...

If you're tired and thirsty... there is freedom...

Lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom

Freedom reigns in this place

Showers of mercy and grace

Falling on every face... there is freedom...

give your all to Jesus... there is freedom

It is a long road, but the Lord goes before me. He alone can fill me up. When I'm tired and thirsty, when I feel the rain start coming down again, all I need to do is lift my eyes to heaven and give my all to Jesus... and the rain will reveal His showers of mercy and grace - and that is where I'll find my freedom.

It isn't freedom from the reality of my pain on earth.... that's here to stay. The freedom of the Spirit helps me to keep going... when I feel like I can't go anymore... and to hold on to the hope I have in Jesus knowing I will eventually see my girl again. It's freedom to be sad, while still genuinely thanking God for even the hardest time in my life, knowing that this is His perfect will for my life and to know that Rachel (AMELIA) was not a disappointment. Her life was everything it was meant to be. Even if some don't see it. I am so proud of her and can't wait to tell her face to face. And because of the Lord, some day I (YOU) will. And on that day, I will find my eternal freedom of pain, tears, sadness, sin and earthly trials with Him (and her) in heaven. Until then, I will lift my eyes and give my all to Jesus and find my freedom in trusting Him."

Sometimes other people just say it better than I can...

Sometimes the greatest miracles come 

when God changes us and gives us joy in Him, 

even though our prayers aren’t answered 

the way we prayed they would be.  

T. Suzanne Eller

 

It has arrived.

Amelia's birthday week is here.

I can hardly believe it will be a year this Thursday

since we said hello... and goodbye.

I have "watched" several of my baby loss mommy friends navigate their way through the first birthday of their precious babies.

I hurt for them as they reflected, grieved and expressed their love and devotion for their babies as they passed this milestone.

I knew someday soon I would be standing where they were,

grieving as they had done,

celebrating as they were,

but I don't think I ever really processed 

just how much it would hurt,

to be standing here

one year later.

Miss you so much baby girl...

update. (Sam's new c-section date)

We had our amnio this morning.
Unfortunately, Sam is not ready
so our c-section scheduled for tomorrow has been postponed.
That's all I really know right now.
I will post an update later today in this same post.

********************

Sam is now "scheduled" to arrive in the early morning hours
on Aug 1st, via c-section.
As I mentioned earlier this morning
the amnio results concluded that Sam's lungs are not yet mature.
We expect that by August 1st (39 weeks 3 days)
Sam should be ready to make his appearance.
If he decides to come on his own before that day,
we will have a c-section done at that time.

I used to say I love planning.
I have to admit, I think I am done trying to plan anything in regards to this pregnancy.
How quickly I forget just who is calling the shots...

Tim and I so appreciate all the prayer and support!
Please keep it coming.
I am exhausted and so very done being pregnant,
but not so tired that I have any desire to risk little Sam's health!
So we will continue the course that has been laid before us,
we will wait
as (un)patiently as possible :)
for our precious rainbow baby.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.

God does it so that people will fear him.

Whatever is has already been,

and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account.

Isaiah 53:5

“He was beaten so we could be whole. 
He was whipped so we could be healed.” 

Isaiah 53:5b (NLT)

This verse ended my daily email devotion this morning.
Yup, I just started bawling.

Anencephaly mommies will no doubt understand with little to no explanation what it means to hear so we can be whole....
that she is whole.

When I finally finished crying I only felt one thing,

peace.

the kind only God can give;

and He is so good,

so very, very good.

Will she be there?

Last week the date was set for my c-section
and for Sam's birth day.
Pending good amnio results our OB
has scheduled the surgery for Thursday, July 21st.
We had been planning on waiting until after Amelia's birthday
(if we were able)
but it appears that is no longer a possibility.
Hopefully this date will allow a safe delivery of a healthy baby boy,
and our family (including Sam) to be out of the hospital in time to do the things we have planned for Amelia's 1st birthday.

It would be impossible to describe the range of emotions that are sweeping over me as Sam and Amelia's birthdays approach, so I won't even try today...

There is however, one little thing I did want to share.
As Tim and I finalized our plans for our hospital stay
and c-section date
I wondered out loud,
"Do you believe she will be there when Sam is born?"
I rambled on, I mean do you believe she will actually be present? Will she be watching, do you think of her as a guardian angel?
or
Do you hope she isn't? Pray, praise and give thanks that she is blissfully unaware of the remainder of our earthly days while she rests peacefully in Jesus arms?

Maybe it will not come as much of a surprise
but I have to tell you...
As our conversation paused,
a single butterfly came into view along the roadside as we drove.
;)
I love me some God winks!!!

Tim admitted he didn't have the answers I sought.
but, someday
someday we will.

I think our worldly nature pulls us to believe whatever brings the most comfort. Some people prefer to believe that "there are holes in the floor of heaven" or that their love ones are now acting as their "guardian angels."

I would have to say my heart and my faith leads me to believe that our Lord has revealed everything to little Amelia; the past, the present and the future. Time is irrelevant in heaven. She is completely happy in the presence of Jesus. There are no tears because she has already seen the ending of His story and each of our loved one's place in that story. She already knows Sam. She does not feel compelled to guard him. She looks to Jesus and knows - He's got it covered.

Will she be present on the day Sam is born?
In my heart of hearts, I don't think she will.
but that doesn't really bother me...
Will she be on our hearts?
every single second.

”For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;

he will lead them to springs of living water.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:17

Blood Donations for Amelia

Greater love has no one than this:
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  

John 15:13

 

July is officially here!

Just wanted to put out a friendly reminder that we would be honored if you would consider donating blood  in Amelia's memory anytime in the month of July.  We can think of no better way to celebrate her life than giving life through the donation of blood. We're hoping you agree and donate!

You can call to schedule an appointment or to find a drive near you 1-800-RED-CROSS 

or go to www.redcrossblood.org

Please let us know if you were able to donate in Amelia's honor,
we would love the chance to say thank you!

Actually my heart broke a little as we turned the calendar over to the month of July.
In the same way Wednesdays have become "hers" in our home;
July belongs to Amelia.
Just one short year ago we faced the turning of the calendar knowing Amelia would soon be in our arms 

and then all to soon, that she would leave us.

This year the month takes on a new bittersweet,

as we prepare for both Amelia's 1 year heavenly birthday 

and our little Sam's birth day.
My anxiety level is high. My heart hurts so deeply.

My grief feels so raw and new...

I am attempting to ready our family for so much joy 

while navigating a thick fog of heartbreak.
I'm not sure I can put into words where I am at emotionally.

I can't believe it's July.

I miss my girl.

I'm anxious to meet my son.

I'm tired.

I'm hopeful.

I'm broken

and I'm relying on my Lord to carry me

yet again

through the storm

and deliver

a beautiful rainbow.

47 Weeks - Missing My Girl

 

To all who mourn... 

"he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory."
Isaiah 61:2-4

11 months - My Stones

 Joshua 4

⁵“Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, ⁶ to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ⁷ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

9“Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.” 

²³ For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. ²⁴ He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.”

Living along the Missouri river, we are no stranger to flood waters these days.

The text above sites, in part, the story of how Joshua led the nation Israel across the Jordan River, it was harvest and the river Jordan was at flood stage. I'd ask of you to try to envision this day. For those of you living surrounded by the raising and fast flowing river waters I do, it may not be so difficult a stretch of the imagination.

Maybe your imagination will take you to a more loose interpretation of flood waters. Maybe the raging furry, the crushing power of those waters will take you back to a time in your life when it seemed there was no hope. A time when you felt God had abandoned you in the midst of the crushing waters of loss and heartbreak?

At least that's where my mind takes me...

I have often thought it must seem a bit odd from the outside looking in that I "celebrate" the milestones following the loss of Amelia.
No doubt it would seem strange to anyone that has not lost a child, to mark the months that pass, to throw a birthday party for a child that only lived on earth for a few short hours...or maybe never took a breath at all.

Maybe it does seem strange to you that a grieving mother would gather keepsakes such as a bit of hair, foot and hand print molds, keep blood stained baby clothing in Ziploc baggies, or purchase a duplicate of the outfit their child is buried in.

But as I read again this story of the crossing of the Jordan I am reminded of why these mementos are so very special. They are indeed treasured keepsakes of our precious and loved children. But they are more than that to me. Maybe I am not alone in this...

I have stones similar to the stones of the tribes of Israel.
They are memorials of my daughter. They are reminders of her, but even more so they are reminders of what the Lord has carried me (us) through. They are a testament to His mercy and His steadfast love for me in the midst of the raging flood waters.
And when I see these "stones,"
I remember so much more that the heartbreak of losing her.
I remember the gift of having her.
I remember how He carried me.
I remember the peace that filled the room on the day she was born.

I have a Moses Basket sitting in my basement.
I have often thought to myself (and aloud to Tim)
"What should I do with it?"
It is a painful reminder of our loss.
It carried her body to the funeral home.
It carried her casket to her grave.

I put her in the basket;
more to the point, my body failed her
and put her in that basket.
Thank heavens the basket means more to me that just that.

I chose that basket because it reminded me of Moses mother;
her trust that God would protect her child,
that He had a future in mind for him that was bigger than she could ever have imagined.
Through Amelia's life and death, God taught me to trust in that same way.
God gave me the strength to put her in that basket.
God gave me the strength to hand her back to him.
God let me put all my trust in him.
He did that.

We crossed our river Jordan
and find ourselves on the opposite shore looking back
knowing full well
he has not left us empty handed.
He left a pile of stones,
precious keepsakes, photos, blankets, jewelry...
so that in the future,
when my children ask me, ‘What do these stones mean?
I can tell them all about her, smile and say, He carried me.

46 Weeks - the darkness still finds me...

It's always tough to coordinate appointment times with my work and childcare schedule. This past week as I struggled to find a day and time to get in and see my eye doctor (4 months late and on my very last set of contacts!!!)
I found myself in the middle of an Amelia moment...

As I attempted to negotiate an appointment time with the sweet receptionist, she sensed my frustration and commented "...oh yes, you have another little one now don't you!"
I didn't see it coming.
I wasn't ready with my response.
I should have been prepared,
she always goes out of her way to comment on Noah. :)
She did SEE me pregnant with Amelia after all.

Working in a small community in a fairly public job I clearly have become accustomed to assuming people "know about Amelia."
My eye doctor is closer to where I live in Omaha. It is in fact, the same eye office I have gone to since I was in the 5th grade. They all know me there, so I guess it understandable that I would forget that they would have no idea that our sweet baby is gone.

All I could muster in response was,
"No, we just have one at home."
Oh, she said, I thought there were two, her voice trailing off.
I swear could hear the self-doubt in her voice.  
Was her memory failing her? 
Wasn't I was pregnant the last time she saw me?
I was tempted to explain, but didn't.
Now I regret it.
I should have just explained.
Particularly because when she sees my hugely pregnant belly at my appointment next week the topic is bound to resurface.
She's going to feel horrible.
And then I'll feel horrible for making her feel horrible...

Later that evening, Noah and I met up with my Mom to help her shop for a dress to wear for an upcoming wedding. I was really looking forward to a little retail therapy.
But as usual, there is no hiding from the heartbreak.

I should have steered clear of the baby clothes,
but I am having a baby after all!
I tried to avoid the girl stuff...but there it was,
an entire rack of the outfit my sweet girl is buried in.
I looked away as quickly as I could but my mind still went there...
down below the dirt
to my sweet babies body, in that outfit.
I just kept moving forward,
pushed Noah's stroller through the maze of racks and out onto the path,
it was all I could do to not pass out.
Was the store closing in on me? 
Suddenly I couldn't remember the way to the stores exit.
In an instant, it was Aug 4th; the day of her funeral.
I could see my hand fighting with the top button of that rose sleeper in an effort to adjust the ruffles to lay flat against her cheek in the moments before visitation began.

The moment passed.
My Mom was just behind me, had she seen?
Did my face go white? Had I stopped breathing?
It was just a moment.
Just an outfit.
Just her body.

Sometimes I can hardly believe I am still here,
was it all a dream?
Surely it was, there's no way I could have buried my baby girl
without insisting they bury me to.

The darkness still finds me, clings to me like my shadow
BUT the light does to
and just when I think I can't take one more step,
He carries me.

John 14  (NIV)

Jesus Comforts His Disciples 

¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. ⁴ You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus the Way to the Father

 ⁵ Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”  ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know^[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”
 ⁸ Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”
 ⁹ Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? ¹⁰ Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. ¹¹ Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. ¹² Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. ¹³ And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴ You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

    ¹⁵ “If you love me, keep my commands. ¹⁶ And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be^[c] in you. ¹⁸ I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ¹⁹ Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰ On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ²¹ Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”  ²² Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”
 ²³ Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. ²⁴ Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
   ²⁵ “All this I have spoken while still with you. ²⁶ But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. ²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
   ²⁸ “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. ²⁹ I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. ³⁰ I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, ³¹ but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
   “Come now; let us leave.

45 Weeks - yup, still sending us butterflies

Notice the "A" on the butterfly?

click on this image to enlarge

This photo was sent to me yesterday from a baby loss mommy friend of mine named Stacy.

She has had this stone for sometime...I hope she won't mind me sharing the story (in part) of this little stone and why it means so much to her

and me.

You see I am quite certain that her Rachel and my Amelia are buddies up in heaven. :)

And though her Mom and I have yet to meet, we walk the twisty path through our grief side by side.

As many baby loss mommy will tell you,

we each have little things that remind us of our babies.

I have often referred to them here as Godwinks. ;)

For us butterflies have taken on special meaning since Amelia's death, for Stacy and her Rachel, it's daisies.

I love getting little emails from Stacy - this excerpt from her recent message to me was no exception. 

"I bought this little rock before Matt & I got married.  I got it at my favorite greenhouse and we used this saying on the favors we gave out (1/2 of them were flower seed packets and 1/2 were candles and we had a different saying and verse on each.)  The flower packets said "todays seeds are tomorrows flowers" and had the Romans 8:28 verse - God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

So, the other day, I was looking at this rock and it dawned on me that it has daisies on it... I mean, I knew it but didn't KNOW it (if you know what I mean) remember my post about how daisies ended up being a big part of my wedding without meaning it?  Well, I was looking at this rock getting all sad about Rachel and I then noticed that it also has a butterfly on it... I looked closer and no joke, the butterfly has an "A" on it.  Not sure if it's supposed to be part of the detail or if it's the artists initial, but I had never noticed it before.  I've had this sitting on a shelf in my bathroom for years and this all came to me the other day.

Then at my moms, I'm not sure if this comment came through to you the other day since I'm having so much trouble with them, but this beautiful butterfly was hanging out with us for a while.  It was big and yellow.  Isaiah was thrilled about it!  I've never seen a butterfly hang around humans like that before.  I tried to comment that night on your blog to tell you about it and let you know I was thinking of Amelia.  But the next day I went up there to swim again and the same butterfly was with us for over an hour again!

Yep, I think our girls are buddies up there :o) ♥"

Thanks Stacy! 

Thanks girls, we miss you and love you so much!

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 3:12-14

44 Weeks - Blessings: Being In The Moment

“Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.” 

James 4:13-14

Amelia has blessed my life in so many ways. I doubt I will ever truly see all the ways in which God used her time with us and our time without her to bless our family. As I approach the end of this pregnancy with Sam and creep up all to quickly on the one year anniversary of Amelia's birth and death, I thought it appropriate to begin a series of reflections on a few of the specific ways our Lord has used her brief but impactful life to change me, mold me and move me.

While I was pregnant with her I was blessed daily by a strong lesson in what it means to live in the moment. What it means to treasure the things that really matter, the moments that make a life well lived. We only had moments with Amelia and I was determined to make the most of those moments.

All to often I live my life focusing on the tasks ahead of me, the great things that lie ahead rather than the infinite blessings right in front of me. The desires of my heart become more and more worldly and I lose sight of what really matters. It is all to easy to do in the fast paced, consumption based society in which we live.

In those months with Amelia it was never more clear what it meant to be a mother to my children. My "work" was laid out before me and because I could not bear the weight of losing her I was able to give it all up to God. It took Amelia's diagnosis to really bring me to my knees and refocus my heart.

Living in the moment seems like a fairly simple thing to put into practice. It is a way of living and prioritizing that has guided me in several aspects of my life, particularly in relationships. I have even been led astray a bit by the ideology once or twice, applying it to justify impulsive and reckless behavior. My time with Amelia broadened my understanding of what it means to "be in the moment." Maybe that's putting it lightly...

God used my pregnancy with her to reveal the daily, infinite blessings of being a mother. To fill me with the deepest of joy that can come only when you pour your entire heart and soul into just one thing; into just one person.

And I realized something in loving Amelia. The way we loved her, spent time with her, focused our family on her...that's the way God want us to feel & live for Him. To center every aspect of our lives around Him. To live our lives as if there's no tomorrow;
at least not here on earth.

I think I could type for hours and feel as if I haven't expressed this sweet lesson in living & loving that is emblazoned in her name on my heart. For now, this post will have to do.

Miss you sweet girl. 
Thanking our Lord every single moment that He chose me to carry you; to call you Daughter.
Until we meet again... 
Mommy

10 Months - more borrowed words

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children

are walking in the truth.

 3 John 1:4

This past Saturday, May 28th, marked 10 months since our sweet little Amelia Grace entered the world and all to quickly left it. 
I can hardly believe it.

On Monday I found some time in the morning to grab a seat at the computer for a few minutes and watch the video footage we have of her in the hospital. There's not much, but am I'm SO glad that Tim thought to grab the flipmino and capture a few moments of her life on "video". (do they even call it video anymore?..I am so not technically savvy!) It is always surreal watching that footage. I love her little voice and I am always struck by how happy I seem. Someone watching the video who is unaware that she will pass just minutes after the last seconds of video were shot, might not think that she is anything other than a newborn baby or that I am about to be a grieving mother rather than the glowing  new mother caught on camera... 

I'm not sure I have ever truly felt God's peace like I did that day.
She was amazing folks, just amazing.

I saw this little story on a (several) blogging mamas site(s) this week and just had to share it with you all - with a few small edits of my own of course. ;)


The Brave Little Soul

John Alessi

with edits by Amelia's Mommy

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."

The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?, she asked.

God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you. Amelia Grace."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little Amelia, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her struggles and God's strength she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. She happened. God was pleased.

Amelia's Marker

click on the image to enlarge

We went down to the cemetery this evening to place Amelia's Memorial Day wreath and pinwheel. To our surprise her marker had been placed just in time for the holiday. I feel bad that it took us as long as it did to do this last thing for her. I agonized for months over the granite color, size, text, layout, vases...
I hated everything.
Finally I came to the realization
OF COURSE I hate them all
they are grave markers
for our baby girl!



Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her. “Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” John 20:11-13

"Congratulations"

"I have held many things in my hands, 
and have lost them all; 
but whatever I have placed in God's hands, 
that I still possess." 

~Martin Luther 

Lately we have been busying ourselves at home enjoying the nice weather and getting ready for Sam. I think it is finally sinking in that we might actually get to bring him home. In my heart I still feel some hesitation when I think about bringing him home from the hospital. It just doesn't feel right to assume we will get to keep this baby when we are so intimately aware that not all babies get to come home...

We had another u/s with maternal Fetal Medicine this past Monday. Sam looked great! He now weighs over 3 lbs and is is the 57%. I think he will easily surpass Noah and Amelia's birth weights, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. :)

I was caught a bit off guard when our "super" doc wrapped up our u/s appointment with a "congratulations." I wasn't sure what to think of that statement at first and it left me pondering why a statement like that would catch me so off guard...I'm not sure even now if I can explain what was so off about it to me.

In regards to pregnancy, "Congratulations" seems a term reserved for those who just shared the news of their pregnancy or for those who have just given birth. Amongst the members of my Anencephaly Mommy group we often say congratulations along with expressing our sympathy as we sit helplessly by and watch the newest members of our group grieve the death of their precious child. 

Maybe it was the words he left out that have me questioning; "Congratulations on your healthy baby." In all the times we saw him when we were pregnancy with Amelia, I don't recall him saying congratulations to us...  
I imagine being a "baby" doctor he often leaves parents with a well wish and a congrats. He probably says it so often he doesn't even think about it.

Maybe it was the sting of a wish that never came true with Amelia. Maybe it was just another product of my new normal. A reaction from the mother bear inside of me that remains guarded in my hope for a healthy baby and defensive in my love for the daughter we lost. Maybe I have prepared myself more for loss and continued heartbreak than I have for joy and hopefulness. Maybe I am so focused on preparing to lose Sam, that a simple phrase like congratulations has become unexpected and strangely unwelcome.

I am left to conclude that my unease with his kind expression, is just another reflection of the complicated mix of emotions that comes with carrying a rainbow baby.

I wish I could tell you that I have sorted through it all and emerged on the other side less confused and with a small nugget of insight that has better prepared me for the many joyful congratulations that loom in my future, but the truth is, I haven't. 

And still,  
(to borrow a favorite phrase of mine from another baby loss mommy) 
I remain in the grip of His grace,
Melissa

thoughts on birthdays

In the last few weeks
three very special mothers
celebrated the 1st heavenly birthday of their sweet girls.
Each of these women belong to an Anencephaly support group for mother's choosing to carry to term that I am also a part of. I remember the birth of these beautiful girls as if it were yesterday. My tears flowed filling buckets as I mourned their loss and celebrated the blessing of their daughters brief but impact full lives, as I anticipated the birth of my own blessing, Amelia Grace.

Please join me in sending special belated birthday wishes to
Ella, Karinne and Olivia
and maybe a little prayer for their mommies too!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Ella, Karinne and Olivia!

I realize to some of you who have never lost a child, that the idea of celebrating the birthday of a child in heaven might seem strange. But for many mommy's of babies in heaven, their baby's milestones, birthdays and anniversaries are a BIG deal. Whether they chose to recognize the day privately or with a public celebration such as a birthday party, mommies and daddies don't forget these special days of remembrance.

Tim and I have discussed (at length) ideas for how we intend to spend Amelia's first birthday. It may come as a surprise (or not) that initially we did not agree on much. We did decide that it would be best for our family to push back the c-section scheduling of Sam's birth from the 28th (Amelia's birthday) to the 29th. Many things factored into our decision. One of our hopes is that by doing so, we will be able to spend Amelia's birthday doing some special things together as a family.

If I had things my way, we would be having a HUGE birthday party, inviting all Amelia's family and friends to share in the festivities, including a 3 tier fondant cake, balloon release, crafts for the kids, etc...
Tim would rather not (and I totally get that!)
All of my best laid plans sound amazing in my head, but then I cringe at the thought of  people not coming to her party or dreading coming and feeling uncomfortable about a party for a dead baby. And I am brought back to the harsh reality that I am a mommy of children in heaven. So, unless someone has been just where I am; they aren't going to understand. That single fact, even though it makes me feel really lonely sometimes, also leaves me thankful. Thankful they have never had to bury a child...

Tim and I tossed around the idea of doing another blood drive similar to the drives held last June in Amelia's honor, but in the end, we decided against it.
however we have agreed,

To ask our friends and family (that's you!) to donate blood on their own in Amelia's memory anytime in the month of July. For those of you that would like to donate and are regular donors, I realize this may take some coordinating (which is why I am giving you a heads up now) but I hope you will consider it. :)  We would be honored if you would be willing to donate in her memory and let us know that you did. I can think of no better way to celebrate her life than giving life through the donation of blood.

You can call to schedule an appointment or to find a drive near you 1-800-RED-CROSS or go to www.redcrossblood.org

Greater love has no one than this:
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  

John 15:13 

and I quote...

“But there’s a decision that I find God is asking us to make: 

whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God, 

or whether we’re going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances.” 

~ Laura Story

You Are Beautiful

One of my blogger friends posted this MercyMe song recently. Although this song is about much more than baby loss, the message I heard when I listened to this song, was for our Amelia.
Having had the privilege of carrying Amelia Grace, I was challenged in many ways. Though there are a few things I would have done a bit differently looking back, I have no regrets in regards to carrying her to term. As the mother of a child with a condition such as Anencephaly I had some concerns about what it would be like on the day she was born, more specifically about the way should would look.

Despite any fears, I knew I would love her, just as she was, despite her imperfect skull, her open wound and "anencephalic" characteristics. My fears about her appearance were intensely "motherly." For the most part, I was fearful of others reaction to her. Would they shudder? Would they stare in morbid curiosity? Would they pity her? Ultimately would they think less of her, love her less because she was not a picture perfect infant?

I knew they would not see her as Tim, Noah and I did, with unconditional love. I was and am still VERY protective of my daughter. Tim and I were cautious of the photos on display at her service. Cautious not because we felt a need to hide her Anencephaly, but because we didn't want her defect to inhibit others from seeing just how beautiful she really was. Maybe it was too overprotective of us. Maybe we were inadvertently sending a message that we were ashamed of how she looked...

None of that matters now.
No doubt she is healed and playing at the feet of our Lord. Just as we will all be healed and made beautiful someday. For Tim and I, it's hard to imagine her as anything less than perfect; just as she was on the day of her birth and just as she is now, in heaven.

Miss you so much beautiful girl!




Beautiful - MercyMe
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His


Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of Amelia's blog before playing the video!

39 weeks - Giveaway!!!

Today I am happy to announce a "Giveaway" of sorts available to anyone who is facing a terminal pregnancy, or is pregnant with their rainbow or is just plain pregnant.

One of the most treasured things I was given while pregnant with lil' Miss Amelia was a fetal heart Doppler from another baby loss mommy. I could listen to Amelia's heartbeat, at home, anytime I wanted to! It was amazing!

Since discovering I was pregnant with our rainbow, Sam, I have continued to use the monitor whenever I feel uneasy or just need to remind myself, "Yes, this is real and it's going to be OK..."

All that being said, I have been in touch with some amazing folks at BabyBeat who have offered to do a 3 month promotion on Amelia's blog with a 10% discount of Doppler rental and a FREE keepsake CD of your little ones heartbeat. The code to receive this offer is AGL10.
(Your account will be flagged to receive the free CD when you rent the monitor.) Visit their website to redeem your discount and make a recording of your precious baby's heartbeat! http://www.babybeat.com/

Please do not hesitate to contact me with questions. I would love to help! In fact, I would love to hear from anyone who put this savings to use!

Miss Amelia's Heartbeat

² My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³ in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.   

Colossians 2

38 Weeks - It's been 9 months tomorrow

9 months since I held you 

in my arms for the first and last time here on this earth.

sigh

Your baby brother Sam 

has been much gentler on mommy's belly than you were ;)

Still, I was so grateful for every move you made!

Mommy always knew you were alive and well;

each kick, jab and belly roll...tiny blessings 

from the biggest soul I have ever known.

We miss you so very much baby girl.

It has been raining a lot here lately. 

Just like last year at this time, when you were safe in my tummy.

I think of you each time it rains and I smile 

knowing where you are 

there are no more tears,

no cloudy days,

only His glorious light.

Love you sweet girl!

Mommy

Psalm 139

written with love for all 

and for you, sweet Amelia Grace

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

37 Weeks - A Broken Cross, A Broken Heart

I arrived at Bergan Mercy for a 24 week u/s of Sam on Monday at around 3:50. My appointment wasn't until 4:15 and I was less than a block from the cemetery. I wanted to go, but I had only "driven by" once before without Tim or Noah with me. 
But I have time...I should go I thought.

When I pulled up I saw what no Mommy wants to see.

Everything we had put out for her, ALL of her decorations had been removed. All that remained was a battered green marker id-ing her spot as "Amelia Grace Lorang."

It looked like a paupers grave, forgotten and untended.

The tears came without control. I could hardly get out of the car.

I knew the cemeteries policies but had been under the impression that they "left Babyland alone."

Clearly they do not.

Beginning March 1st, all grave decorations must be attached or contained in a cemetery approved vase.

We have yet to purchase a marker for our little Amelia.

Which meant not only had all that we had lovingly placed there for her had been removed and piled in trash heap just behind the cemetery office, but that anything we placed there between now and mid November would be removed as well.

I have been planning for weeks, the design of an Easter basket for Amelia's grave that I now know cannot be.

I would not have expected to lose all emotional hold of myself at the realization that I could not decorate my daughter's grave. I hardly shed a tear at her funeral service for pities sake!!!!
Why this? Why now?

With the help of the Manager of the cemetery,
I waded through the garbage in search of Amelia's things.

Her pinwheel ~ gone...

sometimes people rummage through and take the nicer things, he explained.

Really?!?!?

Her Purple cross~only a portion remained dangling from the bent metal frame.

I managed to find a small angel and some remnants of her red Christmas flowers. The manager stood by as I tiptoed through the pile, asking...is there anything in particular you are looking for?

Not really I said. There was a pinwheel I said.  
Just her things I said.

I told him it was ok, I understood. There was nothing he could have done...

I quietly loaded the flowers and plastic angel  into the trunk of the Acura and hurried away the tender apologies of the manager trailing behind in the exhaust.

In the parking lot facing the maternity center where Amelia was born and died, I tried to pull myself togther. It took me almost 15 minutes just to stop crying enough, to walk through the hospital doors for my appointment.

My heart is still in pieces days later.
This morning I laid it all at the foot of the cross and I was comforted by these words...

 

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.

1 Corinthians 15:54

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 

Romans 6:4-5

Miss A's Blanket

Click this link!!! Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies: Miss A's blanket...

Anyone recognize these gorgeous footprints?!? This blanket is in the mail making its way to me right now! I can hardly believe it, this Mommy embroiders blankets just for baby loss mommies and daddies...isn't that so special! Yup, I think I love her. ;) ~Melissa

Sam - 24 weeks 4 days

Can you see his little face?
Weighing in at 1 lb 10 oz this "big" guy is doing great!

36 Weeks - about Noah

Since learning of Amelia's condition a little over a year ago, Tim and I have agonized over many things. If one thing has proved to be particularly difficult, is the best way to explain it all our son Noah.

At the time of her diagnosis, Noah was just 1 1/2 years old and barely understood that there was a baby in Mommy's belly. Each night in his bedtime prayer, we prayed for baby Sisa (he couldn't pronounce Amelia at first). We cherished every hug & "belly kiss" he gave her, wondering all the while, "How much of this does he really understand?" "How much of this will he remember?" "Will he remember his sister at all?"

We resolved ourselves to be honest with him when he asked about her, keeping it simple and as "un-alarming" as we possibly could. We questioned if we should have him with us at the hospital on her birthday and in the end decided, yes, he should have the chance to meet his sister. As it turned out, he was in the room when she died. Looking back I have often wondered, was she was hanging on just to meet him?
In the following weeks Noah would wander into "her room." One day,  wondering just what he was up to, I followed him in. He was looking at her picture! He pointed right at a famed photo of her and said "sisa."
He only saw her for a few short hours in the hospital and on the day of her funeral yet, he recognized her in a photograph.
He remembered her.
I cannot describe to you the wave of emotions that came over me in that moment.

Noah loves to look at pictures of her and to visit the cemetery, which we explained is a place we go to remember Sisa, rather than where she is buried. At first we had told him we were going to see Sisa, but that was just confusing when he could not actually see her there. We have told him that she is in heaven with Jesus but I just am not sure how to explain that her body is still here...
So far he has asked us very few questions but has made numerous references to her and statements about her. Some make me smile, others break my heart in two.

We had intended to wait until our 20 week ultrasound to tell Noah about our pregnancy, in hopes of avoiding confusion between this new baby and our Amelia, but he figured it out on his own (still baffles me!) and asked if there was a baby in my belly as we were reading his bedtime story.
Much to our surprise, he has never confused the two of them.
He has however asked some difficult questions about Sam.
The most heartbreaking of questions...
"Sam come home with us, Momma?
he come stay with us? at our house?"
I told him yes, but I'm not sure if I was very convincing. Most days I am not convinced that he will be coming home with us. I pray that he will. I think that he will, but I don't know that he will. How can I make that promise?

And still, the joys far outweigh the sorrows~when I remember the promises my Lord has made to me, to our family and to each of us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11

35 Weeks - selling the furniture

For those of you who have followed our story for some time,
will recall that, knowing with all my heart
at just 15 weeks, that Miss Amelia was indeed a Miss,
I purchased all but her crib in sweet anticipation of her arrival.
A few weeks ago Tim and I decided that the time had come
to sell Amelia's furniture.
We had no place to store it,
no extra bedroom to furnish,
and if I am completely honest,
it served as little more than a painful reminder
of the dreams we once had of raising a little girl.
I hung onto it in hopes that Amelia's little sister
would be joining our family this summer,
even though I knew from the beginning, that Sam, was well, Sam
and more than likely would not be in need of his big sister's nursery furniture!

Last week we sold it on Craig's List, split up amongst two families.
It went very smoothly, Praise be to God!
And happened very quickly
which I was very, very thankful for...
I have always been a "pull the band aid off fast and get it over with" kinda gal!

The room looked so empty without her furniture.
But it has always been an empty room
without Amelia.

Despite our plans to time delivery of Sam's furniture
to follow the refinishing of the floors in the nursery,
we ended up bringing home his furniture (in part)
the day after Amelia's was moved out.
I have walked in that room at least a hundred times.
I keep thinking it will get easier.
and it has
in some ways.
But for us there will always be an empty room, empty highchair, car-seat...

I often worry that people think of Sam as a replacement
for Amelia.
As if somehow having him means we never lost Amelia.
Kinda' crazy I know, surely no one actually thinks that!!!
It think it's just the Momma bear in me. :)
Sometimes I feel like I should wear a shirt that reads -
CAUTION Healing Mommy heart inside.
or maybe more like this...

rather than the growing belly holding my precious rainbow baby
that signals 'Baby on Board' everything is OK now
Then maybe people could not so quickly forget
the sweet baby held in this very belly just last year.

 ¹⁴ Yet Jerusalem says, “The Lord has deserted us;
      the Lord has forgotten us.”

 ¹⁵ “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
      Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
   But even if that were possible,
      I would not forget you!
 ¹⁶ See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
      Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.

Isaiah 49:14-18 

(New Living Translation)

34 weeks - Isaiah 43:1-4

 ¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—

   he who created you, Jacob,

   he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,

   I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

   they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

   you will not be burned;

   the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD your God,

   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

   Cush and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

   and because I love you...

So many things changed 

after we found out about Amelia's condition

for me this verse became a reality 

not just some old text from the Bible 

in which God speaks to an unfaithful Israel.

It is text written in love for me.

God breathed scripture 

meant for me to discover

to unravel

to cherish.

These are more than words,

they are God's promise

to each of us.

Do not fear.

I will be with you.

I love you.

You are mine.

8 Months - We'll meet all 3

I don't mention it often.
Hardly ever actually.
And when I mention my miscarriage,
I never mention there were 2.

We had almost "forgotten" ourselves
until I read "Heaven Is For Real"
last week and my dreams became filled
with visions of the children we never got to meet.
They were with us such a short, short time
but we loved them - and love them still.

I still remember
when we went in for our very first appointment
we were so excited that we would be getting an u/s right away.
We had no idea what to expect;
we just knew we were expecting
and we were over the moon with happiness!

At first our ob saw only one little embryo
that had no heartbeat.
I remember him struggling a bit and then 
he found the second baby, heart beating beautifully.
You could see the relief in his eyes
as he turned the screen our way and described what we were seeing.
This happens sometimes he explained.
Without an early u/s you might have never known 
there were 2 in the beginning.
It shouldn't effect your pregnancy.

We left grainy u/s print off in hand.
Proud first time parents.
It felt strange, but we just accepted it as
something that happens.
We proudly paraded the photo,
explaining to some...there were actually 2
but one didn't make it.
To others were just pointed out the "top" and "bottom"
of our precious little "bean"

And then at 13 weeks
we we crushed to discover
that our bean's heart had stopped beating.
We'll have you do a confirmation u/s just to be sure
our doctor had said
so off we went to have our fears confirmed.
As he rolled back and forth over our dead baby
we watched eyes fixed on the large "silent screen"
at one point I had to turn away my gaze.
It hurt to much.
We were scheduled for a D&C.
The next few days were so hard.
They were so very hard.

It was surreal.
It hurt.
I felt empty.
But God healed our hearts
and just over 6 months later we became pregnant with Noah.
We held our breath at every u/s
until we were well into the 2nd trimester.
because, after you make it through the 1st trimester 
there is nothing to worry about right...
oh, how naive we were!
What I wouldn't give not to know what I know now.
 
I share this story today in joyful anticipation.
That's right I said JOYFUL ANTICIPATION.

anticipation of heaven and holding those sweet little souls
joy because I know that at this very moment they are in His presence.
There is nothing here on earth that trumps that.
They are safe and happy right where they are at.
And it won't be long until we are all together again.

So no, I 'm not angry.
No, I don't hate God.
No, I don't believe God has turned his back on me
or is teaching me a lesson out of anger or spite.
No, I don't want your pity
and I certainly do not want you to turn from God as a result of witnessing our losses.
That would break my heart into thousands of pieces in fact.
(that may be an entire additional post)

Yes, I get sad sometimes.
Yes, I miss Amelia and my babies
paticularly on milestone days like today
has it really been 8 months?!?! sigh
BUT
I believe we live in a fallen world.
I don't belong here any more than my children did.
Heaven is my home.

    ⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. 

Matthew 7:7-12

 ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, 

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 

John 3:16

⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: 

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8