Amelia Grace Lorang

18 Months - Nightmares

2012-01-31T10:44:00.002-06:00

I had intended to visit the cemetery on Saturday to mark Amelia's 18th Month. I was going to add an ornament given to us as a gift to her wreath. I was with my Mom for most of the day shopping and running errands. I was keeping myself busy because I really didn't want to go.
I never, really want to go there.

I know for many baby loss Mamas (including me) cemetery visits and decorations are an important part of continued care and love for their sweet babies. In many ways I too feel compelled to tend her "spot." I can't care for her anymore, but I can, brush her stone clean and leave beautiful arrangements in her vase as an outward expression of my love for her. I enjoy caring for her in this way.
But there is another side to my visits (or lack of visits) that I have not yet found the words to share completely here on her blog.

The thing is, I have nightmares.
And after a visit to her grave, they increase in both frequency and intensity. I have nightmares about her body just below the ground marked with her name carved in stone. Nightmares about bugs and cold and decay. You see even though I know that her body was just a shell...it is still her body to me.
The precious body I carried for 10 months. The body I held in my arms on the day of her birth. The lips I kissed. The face I memorized. The body I dressed to bury.
My baby girl is still down there...

The nightmares are dark and disturbing and the worst part is they begin while I am still awake and waiting for sleep to come. As much as I try to put the thoughts out of my mind, most nights the darkness still creeps in.

I suppose in part, the reasons I have not shared much detail of this particular piece of my "grieving" is because I am a bit embarrassed by it. Embarrassed because I just can't seem to trust God in this aspect of Him "saving my Girl." I put my daughter in a box in the ground 18 months ago, and I guess I'm just not quite convinced that God is "protecting" her body from decay in the way that I desire he would.

Sunday, I found myself seated at the computer reading through some recent blog posts and stumbled on a post written by my dear friend Stacy (Rachel's Mom). It was a post that I desperately needed. I cried as I read her words. I may as well have written them myself...

at the end of her post she had included an image from her calendar that brought peace to my troubled heart.
It read,

Even in the stillness of a resting earth,

God is at work creating beauty,

restoring life,

and preparing all things to blossom,

in His perfect time.

It's been a while...

2012-01-24T10:09:00.003-06:00

I know I haven't been blogging much.
Some days, I think I am done blogging.
I mean how many times can I say...
My sweet baby girl is dead.
I miss her. every. single. minute. of the day.
I can't wait to see her again. :)
I wish things were different.
or
I still can't believe that this is my story.

Today I needed to write.

Some days, I will get a single Amelia moment stuck in my head. It replays in my mind over and over throughout the day. So often sometimes that I begin to wonder if I am missing something. Is there a lesson I need to be learning from this memory...something I missed the first time? Today that snippet is a single memory from the days before her funeral.
The day I picked up her photos.

I had several printed so that I could create a mini scrap book to display at her service. As I stood and waited, the woman on the other side of the Walgreen's counter, fumbled around looking to make sure my photos were all in order. I remember her asking me if the photos were professional, "oh, yes, they must be, I see your release from the photographer," she continued to ramble, one of the gals and I were looking through them and she thought they couldn't be professional because she didn't think they let photographers in the operating room but I said they were. You gave me such a good idea, I am going to have to tell my husband that we have to remember that when we have a baby. That is so neat."

I recall thinking to myself, Lady, I sincerely hope you never have the need to have a photographer and your pastor at the ready when your deliver your child. I promise it's not neat...

I didn't say anything, just nodded my head as she talked, said thanks, and left with my envelope of pictures.

I remember being part surprised and part pleased, that she had no idea that the "baby photos" she had been thumbing through were in fact pictures of my dying and dead baby - pictures of my anencephalic baby. I wondered if she'd be disappointed months later when she was denied her request to have her photographer in the OR suite as she delivered her child. Maybe I should have explained...

but I didn't want to upset her.

I often find myself self-censoring in order to protect others.
At the time I felt that it was more about self preservation...
Today I find myself wondering if I would be in a different place emotionally had I let myself break down more often.Would I be any better off? Would I be any further along in my healing or grief?
I doubt it.
But still, I wonder.
With every replay, I wonder.

Blessings - Blessed to be her Mother

2011-12-21T09:02:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about Joseph this week.
Wondering what it must have been like to discover your virgin fiance is preggers with God's baby.
Yup, I'm pretty sure that would rock anyone's world. ;)

²⁰ But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹ She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”
²² All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ²³ “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).
²⁴ When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. ²⁵ But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.
Matthew 1:20-30

There are moments in our lives that change everything. Whether we are aware of it as it is happening or whether it's not until we reflect back on smaller detours that we see the domino effect it has had on our lives. No doubt the news of Jesus impending birth was a huge blow to the life Joseph had in mind for himself and his bride to be. But what a blessing it turned out to be!

I am still hesitant to apply to old adage, "everything happens for a reason" to our loss of Amelia Grace. But as time passes and we stand a bit further from the day of our sweet baby's birth/death we have begun to see more clearly how God's plans for her life on earth to be so painfully brief, were indeed a part of his good and perfect plan.

Thinking about Joseph's "situation" so many years ago brings me hope. It reminds me that God’s ways aren’t my ways. And that sometimes, in our greatest sorrows, we find our greatest joys and blessings.

Joseph got to be Jesus' earthly daddy.
He got to see God, hold God,
hug him, kiss him!
seriously, WOW!

It kinda' reminds me just how blessed I am
to be the mother of a special little baby. :)

Merry Christmas!
and may God's Peace and Love surround you now and always.

Where's Christmas at?

2011-12-15T09:02:00.014-06:00

Warm temperatures and heavy rains have washed away any trace of the heavy blanket of snow that covered the ground just days ago. Noah and Sam's sitter has been sick, so the boys have been cooped up in the house for a few days with Grandma. So when we headed out the door this morning for Glenwood, Noah was disappointed to discover that all the snow had melted.

"The snows gone Mom!," he exclaimed, "Where's Christmas at?!?"

I giggled a bit as I reassured him that Christmas will come whether there is snow on the ground or not.

"It's Jesus birthday Mom, and God's and Santa's," he said part statement, part question.

"No, not Santa's birthday, just Jesus," I explained.

"He died for us Mom. He loves us very much."

I smiled, "Yes, he does love us very much doesn't he Noah."

"It's Christmas Eve yet Mom?"

"Not yet."

"OK, Mom."

As we continued our commute, I couldn't help but think of Noah's words, where's Christmas at Mom? I recalled a holiday breakdown I had had just yesterday, ashamed.

Several weeks ago I had ordered Noah's "Santa" gift (a train set) online from ToysRUs. One of the items had arrived safely last week but I noticed there was a tunnel that was missing. I figured they were shipping the toys in separate orders, but decided to call in a few days if the tunnel had not arrived.
It never came.
Yesterday, I called the customer service number on the packing slip, only to be told that they no longer had the tunnel gift with purchase and had I read the fine print, I would have noted the words, while supplies last.

The conversation turned ugly, fast.
I requested to speak with a manager, she told me they were all busy.
I announced, I'll wait.
She explained she couldn't keep me on the line...I'd have to try back.
Not good enough.
There has got to be someone who can talk to me. I'll wait, I repeated.
She sighed, and repeated herself, I can't keep you on the line Ma'am.
I'll wait, I said again.
click...
she hung up on me?!?
Furious, I exclaimed, you've got to be kidding me!!! This is going to ruin my kids Christmas!!!
A day later, I am embarrassed, ruin his Christmas? Really? Does he really need the train tunnel...

Where's Christmas at?
is it in a beautiful snow covered lawn?
in a perfectly laid out train under the tree on Christmas morning?

from the mouths of babes, a reminder I clearly needed more than I knew....
He died for us, Mom.
He loves us very much.

Grinch: They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming. They're just waking up, I know just what they'll do. Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, Then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, "Boo Hoo!" That's a noise, (the Grinch said,) that I simply must hear!

Narrator: So he paused, And the Grinch put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow... But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded glad!

[Whos singing]

Narrator: Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Without any presents at all! He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same! And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling:

Grinch: How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

Narrator: And he puzzled and puzzed, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

Blessings - Letting Go

2011-12-14T09:02:00.002-06:00

Since Amelia's diagnosis
we have been blessed with several "lessons in life."
These lessons have transformed before our eyes from cliche
to the foundation of our lives and of our family.

Let Go and Let God is one of these lessons.
There was nothing I could do to save my daughter. simple as that.

Learning to Let Go and Let God in the loss of Amelia, surfaced a serious need for self examination of my desire to control the various aspects my life; my home, my job, my money.
I asked myself...
if I can trust my Lord completely with the HUGE things
why haven't I been trusting Him with everything else?

Recently I was prompted to reflect on a verse that moved me.
It reminded me so much of the sweet blessings revealed to me throughout our journey with Amelia.

And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us,
And establish the work of our hands for us;
Yes, establish the work of our hands.
Psalm 90:17 (NKJV)

And let Surrender to Him. I often find myself too busy trying to control things and forget to let go and let God. Even more so, I can easily buy into the ideology that somehow my plan, my idea of how the way things should be, is better than God's.
beauty Did you see her? She was beautiful. One of my worries while carrying Amelia was (shamefully) fear about her appearance as a result of her condition. In the end her physical beauty would not have changed the way I saw her; the way I loved her. It comforts me to think that that is just how God see me, with the love of a parent. Just plain wonderful isn't it!!!
the LORD our God our Creator, Amelia's creator...
be upon us rest upon us. I felt Him with me every step of the way but never more so than in that hospital room as she rested upon me. I cannot explain that peace.
and establish only God can do it all. Letting go and letting God demands that you recognize just exactly who is running the show.
the work of our hands raising children, making a home, working at a job, following His calling...carrying Amelia
Yes, establish the work of our hands the blessings we are given, our talents, our time, our fortunes...they are all given to us to use in service to Him and to others.

Bottom line, when we Let Go and Let God work in our lives,
AMAZING things happen.
Beautiful things happen.

But now, O LORD,
      You are our Father;
      We are the clay, and You our potter;
      And all we are the work of Your hand.

Isaiah 64:8

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!

Psalm 46:10

Blessings - Time to Prepare

2011-12-07T09:02:00.004-06:00

March 15, 2010.

It's a day I will never forget.
The day of our 20 week ultrasound.
The day we learned of Amelia's anencephaly.

The day itself was not a blessing, but that day and in the days that followed, Tim and I were blessed immeasurably in countless ways. For the remainder for our pregnancy we were given new perspective in the midst of our sorrow. As we prepared for Amelia's birth and death I often found myself thankful that we had been given time to grieve and to prepare. Knowing she wouldn't live, we prepared our hearts for moments rather than years. Our focus shifted from painting a nursery, buying a crib, registering for gifts...to focusing solely on the gift that we had been given in our sweet Amelia Grace.

The season of Advent is upon us. As I sat in church during our Advent carols and reading service this past week, it occurred to me that, for the last three out of four years, during a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the birth of our Lord, I have had the joy of being an expecting mother myself.

The season of Advent invites us to prepare for the coming of our Lord as a little baby in a manger. It wasn't to long ago that we were preparing to meet our little Amelia. Last year we were preparing our hearts for the journey of pregnancy after a loss with baby Sam. I had thought perhaps this year would be different, feel different, since I am not expecting, but it hasn't.

I am still thankful for this time I have been given to prepare.

And so for the third year in a row,
I find myself waiting in expectation.
Preparing for that glorious and joyful moment
when I see the face of a little baby
whose life and death will change mine, forever.

The Birth of Jesus Foretold

²⁶ In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee, ²⁷ to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. ²⁸ Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you!^[d]” ²⁹ Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean. ³⁰ “Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! ³¹ You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. ³² He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. ³³ And he will reign over Israel^[e] forever; his Kingdom will never end!”
³⁴ Mary asked the angel, “But how can this happen? I am a virgin.”
³⁵ The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. ³⁶ What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she’s now in her sixth month. ³⁷ For nothing is impossible with God.^[f]”
³⁸ Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” And then the angel left her.

Mary Visits Elizabeth

³⁹ A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town ⁴⁰ where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. ⁴¹ At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child leaped within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. ⁴² Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. ⁴³ Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? ⁴⁴ When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. ⁴⁵ You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

Blessings - His Word

2011-11-30T09:59:00.004-06:00

"I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10b (NIV)

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Matthew 28:20b (NIV)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28b (NIV)

Often on my journey carrying Amelia and even now, a year after losing her, people often comment on "how strong, I am" or say, "I just don't know how you did it." I've had to correct people, explaining, I am not strong, I am being strengthened. I know many of you BLM's have experienced this same thing...

The blessing I want to share with you today is a bit embarrassing for me. You see, though I have always been the church going, Jesus loving kinda' gal, I have not always made time (outside of Sundays) to be in His Word.

I think many people who grew up in a church going home, surrounded by Christ's love have made the same mistake I have in taking God's word for granted.

When we received Amelia's diagnosis, I needed to hear God's voice, more than any other time in my life. I turned to my Bible for comfort; I turned to His Word for answers. I got them.

Some days I would just open up the Bible and ask that God lead me to a verse I needed to find at that very moment (admit it...you have done it to!!!) It was silly of me, but the truth is, there was always some special nugget of truth, love or comfort at anytime when I turned to Him and relied on His promises. I surrounded myself with bible verses, posting them on my desk, carrying them in my planner...the Word was my shield. still is.

Not long after Amelia's death, I was asked to speak at an Iowa Youth Gathering. I wasn't sure I could do it. I wasn't sure what my story had to offer a group of high school aged kids. Then I found out the theme for the gathering was being In The Word and I knew exactly what the Lord was asking me to share. I hope they got the message. :)

My God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.

2 Samuel 22:3 (NLT)

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Hebrews 13:20-21

a new wreath for my girl

2011-11-29T20:28:00.000-06:00

the King is coming!

2011-11-27T20:09:00.002-06:00

I thought some of you might be interested in my latest project. I am attempting to take, edit and post a photo for everyday of the year. So far it has mostly been pics of Sam. (After three years, Noah is SOOO over having Mommy take his picture!) My plan is to do an "Amelia" pic on Wednesdays. Here is a link if you want to take a peek! http://365project.org/lislorang/365/2011-11

Blessings - Friendship

2011-11-17T23:06:00.000-06:00

After Amelia's diagnosis I immersed myself in information about Anencephaly.

I joined a Anencephaly support group for mother's carrying to term. I networked with Mom's that had traveled the same road with their precious babies, that we now found ourselves walking. The online/blogging community quickly embraced me and I felt supported and encouraged daily. In those first days, I'm not sure I can express how greatly those women helped me. They had the answers to questions I didn't even know to ask. It was somehow easier to reach out to these women than to my family and friends...I guess because I didn't have to face them and because they were the one's doing the explaining rather than me. They (sadly) had first hand knowledge of all that laid before me.

One of the comments I saw these other mother's make almost daily, was in regards to losing friends as a result of their loss. I was confused at the time, wondering how losing a child could possibly result in broken friendships. I thought, Surely that won't happen to us! As time went on, and we traveled the lonely road before us, sadly, I began to understand.

I can't say that I lost any friends during that time, but I did at times feel hurt and let down by people in my life that I would have expected to rally around Tim and I. It was difficult to sort through my disappointments at the time. It was hard to understand why I felt abandoned at a time when I needed my friends the most. In the end, I learned a great deal about my friendships, my family, about myself and about my Lord.

I learned that I had not been as good of a friend as I could have when my friends faced tragedy in their lives. In my ignorance, I had often coped out of offering love and support to them, saying to myself, "I shouldn't bother them at a time like this..." I had no idea how deafening silence could be.

I was also greatly blessed by my friends; loved and supported in countless ways. Friends and family grieved both for us and with us. Cards poured in and many sent thoughtful gifts, Facebook messages and emails. The editor of the paper where I work quickly began planning a blood drive in Amelia's honor. Strangers sent us gifts. I couldn't possibly list all the ways in which we were blessed by our friends, old and new. Today I am going to focus on one friendship that meant the world to me (and still does).

Ashley is a college girlfriend of mine. We quickly bonded as college freshman thrown together by our new found sisterhood in Chi Omega at the University of Nebraska (Go Big Red!). Ashley and I found out we were expecting our "second" kiddos just weeks apart. I was so excited to have another preggo mama to share the daily joys and irritations of pregnancy with! When we received Amelia's diagnosis the dynamics of our friendship could have easily changed...after all, her baby was going to live - and mine was not. It would have been easy for her to pull away, perhaps in fear that her pregnancy would only serve to further wound my broken spirit. Instead she came to my rescue. She was always available to chat, genuine in her love for me and for Amelia. She was a gift from God.
She walked with me, and I will never forget it.

I always felt like I was completely at ease talking with her about my daily trials and joys carrying Amelia, my disappointments, my planning for her birth and for her funeral. Her words were always so gentle, affectionate and honest. There were so few people I felt at ease and able to completely let my guard down around. It was such a relief to talk to Ashley. She was my friend, preggers buddy, prayer warrior and my sounding board. I can't imagine how difficult it was for her to hear me talk about funeral arrangements for Amelia as if was normal, when it was anything but! I couldn't ask for a better friend.

I am still a member of the Anencephaly support group that offered so much support in while I carried my sweet girl. It seems weekly I find myself reading a new mother's story, so much like my own. It breaks my heart every time. Our stories all begin and end eerily the same, but it's the middle that varies...it has one major variable, and that is the support offered to them by the friends, family and medical staff. I always say an immediate prayer for each new parent that joins our group. It goes something like this...

Dear Lord, I ask that you surround this mommy and daddy with your love and your peace at this tragic time in their lives. Lord, rally those around them to show your love and grace through their words and actions as they travel the road you have laid out before them with their sweet baby.
Lord, please, give them an Ashley...

Blessings - Renewed longing for heaven

2011-11-16T09:02:00.003-06:00

Today's post/blessing in one that I have mentioned numerous times here on Amelia's blog.
That blessing is a renewed and intensified longing for heaven.
I just can't wait to get to heaven.
To see Him and of course to see HER!

This week I stumbled on an image of a little girl snuggling up with her blanket. The blanket was for sale and it was super cute but it wasn't the blanket the captured my attention, it was the girl. She looked a lot like Noah...and a whole lot like me.

I found my self wishing I could have seen Amelia (as I often do) at age 1, age 2, age 3...and wondering at how she might resemble her brothers. How different our family would look if she were with us. sigh

I guess all of our longing for heaven has rubbed off on the boys a little too...

This week Noah invented a new game for himself and Sam.
Each night when we get home at the end of the workday, Noah insists that I leave Sam in his car seat so they can go for a drive under our dinning room table (Noah's car). Noah buckles them up so "we can be safe mom" and proudly announces that he and Sam are going for a ride. Sam LOVES it.

"We're going to heaven Mom," he says bubbling with enthusiasm, "We're going to see my sister 'melia!"

"Hurry back" I say, "I'll miss you very much."

I miss her very much.

I'm thinking tonight, I might just crawl under the table and go along.

Update on Sam - Yup, he got cuter!

2011-11-15T21:47:00.000-06:00

Blessings - Photographs

2011-11-09T17:31:00.002-06:00

When you lose a child, the keepsakes, photos and the videos you have of them mean so very much. Long after my memory fails me, I have these images documenting the time I shared with my sweet baby girl. We have hundreds of photos of her thanks to a very special photographer and friend, from our church.
I will never be able to thank Steve enough for capturing her day.

These pictures have done more than just bless Tim and I. They have allowed us to share our daughters life with you all, here on Amelia's blog. They have served to send a message. These images can say things, express things to you that I cannot put into words.

How could I possibly tell you how loved this girl was (is)?
I may not be able to put in into words, but Steve got it on camera.

How can I describe how gorgeous she was; her face, eyes, LIPS and those adorable little feet and toes?
you can see for yourself...she was beautiful.

I can tell people a thousand times how much joy we had on the day of her birth and death,
but they might never understand if not for these priceless images.

I can say a lost an infant daughter,
I can even call her by name,
and people might easily discard her life as insignificant.
These images make it impossible to ignore her.
They tell the world,
she lived.

BLMs Please Help!

2011-11-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

I have been asked for information about having a painting or image created using u/s and funeral photos. I know some of you amazing baby loss mommas out there have had something like this done...could you please email me or comment here on Amelia's blog anyone who you know provides this service?

Thank you so much! No one rallies together in support like you Mommas!!

Blessings - Her Voice

2011-11-02T09:02:00.010-05:00

Amelia's life has blessed our family in so many ways, I had feared it would be difficult for me to choose a specific blessing to begin this series of blog entries.
Turns out it wasn't.

I often brainstorm for my blogs while driving my 35 minute commute to and from the newspaper. Noah is typically content reading a book or watching a movie and I rarely turn on the radio unless Noah requests a sing-along to one of his Veggie Tales Cd's. It is my quiet time. Unfortunately, this week he was seldom quiet. :/ But I have to give credit where it is due, as he actually gave me the idea for today's entry. Noah was reading one of his truck books out loud (no he can't read, but he has an excellent imagination!) when he called out from the back seat..be the voice Mom, which is his funny way of asking me to read and be the voices of the characters in the book.

As we anticipated Amelia's birth one of the many things I prayed for was that Amelia be born alive. I desperately wanted to meet my little girl and to hold her even for just a moment while she was living. I made numerous plans for how I wanted the day of her birth to be. Photographs, foot and hand molds, her baptism, who would be in the room, outfits for her to wear, special blankets and keepsakes, were all thought out and planned in great detail, perhaps in part because I could not plan for the one thing I wanted most for my daughter and for myself...time.

We knew that our time would be short, but just how much time we would be blessed with, we had no way of predicting. It was agonizing not knowing if she would be born alive or whether we would have seconds, minutes, hours or days with her. All I knew is that it would never be enough. Yet I struggled with my prayers for time with her living. As I began to pray for days I would recant and add, but not if she's suffering. In the end I resolved myself knowing that God's plans for her were perfect.

On the day of her birth, we had almost two hours with her before she quietly slipped away in my arms. It has occurred to me in the months following, that the heart of my prayer; was that I would get to see my daughter and to meet her, to know her full of life. God knew the deepest desire of my heart was to see her spirit and to hear her voice. He knew all of that without me even being able to express it in prayer and he blessed us with the sweetest of baby voices any mother has ever heard.

Which brings me to the blessing that I have chosen to reflect on today, Amelia's voice.
We have several short videos of Amelia in the hours she lived. I have watched them several times since she passed and I am so glad we have them because those recordings captured more than her gorgeous face or her perfect ten fingers and ten toes. They captured her voice.

I could listen to her voice over and over again and never tire of it.

I prayed for her to be born alive.
God heard my prayer and he blessed us with 2 hours full of life.
We got to meet her,
we got to hear her voice,
blessed doesn't seem a big enough word.

Although I have yet to share the recordings
(very selfish of me I know) ;)
I believe that in sharing her story I have become her voice.
I continue to be blessed by people's willingness to hear her story and the privilege that I have in telling it.
What a blessing to to be her voice!

It still amazes me today just how loud one little voice can be.

²⁷ My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. ²⁸ I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, ²⁹ for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand.

John 10:27-30

And the Lord spoke to you from the heart of the fire.

You heard the sound of his words but didn’t see his form; there was only a voice.

Deuteronomy 4:12

¹ And seeing the multitudes, He went up on a mountain,

and when He was seated His disciples came to Him.

² Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:
       ³ “ Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
       ⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
       ⁵ Blessed are the meek,
For they shall inherit the earth.
       ⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.
       ⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
       ⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
       ⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
       ¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5

Blessings of Anencephaly (an introduction)

2011-11-01T14:56:00.004-05:00

I have often said Amelia has blessed our lives in countless ways and continues to do so, even now. A year after losing her our family continues to be blessed by her brief but impactful life.
As we prepare for and celebrate Thanksgiving & Christmas we are reminded almost daily that there is one less baby to bundle up as the fall chill turns to winter freeze, one less rosy cheeked girl in family photos, one less high chair at the Thanksgiving dinner table, one less child wildly unwrapping their Christmas gift underneath our tree...

In my preparation for the holidays this year,
I would like to share both my heartbreak and my blessings with you all.
More specifically the blessings of carrying an anencephalic child,
the blessings abundantly given in our sweet little Amelia Grace.

Let me start by stating that there is nothing I would rather have than my little girl back in my arms again and to see her growing and changing. A piece of my soul will remain empty until I see her sweet face again. I would trade each of these blessings to see her smile, to hear her voice, or to hold her little hand. On this side of heaven, I will never know a "good enough" reason that she is not here. I refuse to believe that it was God's plan to let her die or to harm her in any way. I do believe that our Lord loves each of us and loves her fiercely. I believe our God is an awesome God who uses all things for our good and blesses us richly in both joys and sorrows. Our Lord had great plans for our sweet girl. So although, I prefer my plan of having her here with me, I know full well, that God's plan for her is greater than I can even fathom.

When Amelia was first diagnosed I found myself at a loss for how to pray. Yet, somehow even from that very first day, though I knew God could heal her if he chose to, I felt led to pray a very different prayer. I felt led to pray that God use her for His glory, that He use us. I would pray over and over again when I didn't have the words to express the deepest desires of my heart. Use her Lord. Use me Lord. Use us.
I knew He would answer my prayer, I just wasn't sure how.
It seems strange to me looking back I can only recall a few prayers in which I pleaded with the Lord to heal her and let her live. You would think that every one of my prayers in those months would have been for her healing! My only explanation is that the Holy Spirit was at work, holding me, carrying me and guarding my heart, leading me to a hope and healing that is not of this world; hope and salvation in Jesus Christ.

For those of you who know me only as a Baby Loss Blogger, it might surprise you to know that although I have always been a Christian, my faith is not something that I share out loud in my daily life as easily as I am able to share it here. My weakness in evangelism is not something I am proud of but I want to share it here because I want you to understand that I am no different than anyone of you reading this. I am not a pastor or theologian. I don't have all the answers.

Today, there is a song I want to share with you. The text is beautiful on so many levels. I hope you agree. :)
The song asks a question that we are all faced with when tragedy invades our lives.
What if your blessings come in tears, sorrow and heartbreak?
For me it asks, What if your blessing is a baby with a terminal prenatal diagnosis?
How should we respond to the blessings so intricately intertwined with struggle and loss?

I have been led to respond with joy, hope and with thanksgiving, and if you will indulge me over the next several weeks (each Wednesday until Christmas) I would like to delve into those blessings, one by one, here on her blog.You can think of it as me sharing my gratitude journal with you. I'm going to think of this time reflecting on the gifts the Lord has given through Amelia as a thank you note of sorts. A thank you note to God in anticipation of the greatest gift we will celebrate together on Christmas Day; salvation in His son Jesus Christ.

I can't wait to share more of my daughter's story (and His) with you.

Blessings - Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

DON'T FORGET

to pause the music at the bottom of the page before viewing!

"Monster" Prayer Request

2011-10-23T19:21:00.005-05:00

click image to enlarge

Tomorrow I will be heading back to work,
which means these lil' monsters are headed to our sitter.
I love her.
I love working.

However,
I DO NOT love being away from my boys for an hour
let alone an entire day!!!
I have not yet been separated from Sam for more than 2 hours.
I wouldn't have even done that, if a doctors appointment 2 weeks ago hadn't turned into a trip to the hospital but that's a story for another day...
(I'm fine...it was a kidney stone...no I'm not kidding...and no I'm not old enough!!!)

Anyway, I am posting tonight to ask for your prayers as I attempt to leave my boys and head back to the paper.

Specifically, please pray for:
a smooth morning as we attempt to make it out of the house (really early!!!) and drive the commute to our sitter and my office

safety and health for Noah and Sam while in the care of their sitter.

peace, contentment and easy transition for the boys as they attempt to navigate the day without their Mommy (I know they don't really NEED me, but it feels like it should be hard for them too!)

prayers for a clear mind and a calm heart as I try not to break down on the way, dropping them off, pulling out of the sitters drive, etc.

prayers that I can differentiate between my "normal" mommy fears for the safety and health of my kiddos throughout the day and my "irrational baby loss mommy" fears throughout the day.
(BLM I know you know what I am talking about here!!!!)

Thanks in advance.

Wish me luck...

Amelia Remembered, today and everyday.

2011-10-15T20:06:00.000-05:00

click image to enlarge

Potty Training?

2011-10-10T20:09:00.000-05:00

(click on image to enlarge)

Somehow I don't think this photo needs much explanation.

Let's just say that potty training has not been going well. :)

Why Saturdays at our house RULE!

2011-10-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

(click photo to enlarge)

I left Tim and Noah in the basement to feed Sam...
and I returned to find a trail of dead (stuffed) animals leading to 2 boys happily fishing the stream in their boat (bed).
Tim said it was all Noah's idea.
Hilarious.

BTW...the top left photo is the guys "eating" their catch.

Sam - 8 Weeks Old

2011-09-26T20:36:00.000-05:00

(click image to enlarge)

been awhile since I really posted...

2011-09-26T09:36:00.000-05:00

In the beginning I had no idea how long I would be blogging here.
At some point on this journey I committed myself to blogging every Wednesday until Amelia's first birthday
and then to reevaluate after that date passed.
I thought I might still blog weekly,
and then Sam was born. :)

It seems each time I have sat down to write a little something here...mommy duty has called.
We are still settling into life with a newborn and 3 year old boy in our home.
To say I am exhausted might be a bit of an under statement.
A friend of mine recently commented,
"can you imagine having three?!?"
to which I calmly replied, "I wish I had three."
I can assure you that in my most overwhelming of Mommy moments with my boys I would welcome a screaming one year old if it meant we could have her with us.
So, yes, I can imagine having three. I imagine it everyday. ;)

I forgot how much I love taking care of babies.
And I am going to kick myself for admitting this...but I just love folding baby clothes and putting them away.
Baby stuff is just so darn cute. (even the boy stuff)
Sam is getting bigger and bigger by the second.
This kid LOVES to eat.
I prayed that nursing would be stress free for the both of us and boy oh boy did our Lord deliver! My freezer is full of milk and Sam has been a rock star nurser since day one. After all the struggles I had nursing Noah, it has been a huge relief. Our lives have been filled with joy, peace and a little bit of chaos (the good kind)
since we brought little Sammy home.
What a blessing!

And still, we continue in our grief journey.
Along with all the fun and joys of having a newborn in the house,
it is a constant reminder of the baby girl we never got to bring home.
I miss her every single day, and I wonder how long will the shadows of grief haunt me.
How long will it break my heart to see little girl outfits in her size?
How long will I feel a twinge of jealousy as people around me announce the arrival of a healthy little girl?
I am in a phase of my grief where I have begun to feel embarrassed that these things are still difficult for me.
Maybe that is one of the reasons I have been slacking in my blogging. Maybe I have, in part, bought into the ideology that there is a time limit on grief. (which there most certainly is not)
Maybe I am just tired of saying the same things...feeling the same yucky things.
I just miss my girl.
I miss Amelia.

So Moses cried out to the LORD, “Please, God, heal her!”

Numbers 12:13

“See now that I myself am he! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal,

and no one can deliver out of my hand.

Deuteronomy 32:39

Amelia's Baby Brother

2011-09-25T19:36:00.004-05:00

Introducing Him Birth Announcement

Personalized cards for babies, graduation, and Mother's Day.

View the entire collection of cards.

I had intended to send out birth announcements this time.
(real one's, you know, the kind you send in the mail)

I didn't with Noah.
I didn't feel right doing it for Amelia.
And, now I just can't decide on a photo,
or layout,
or
card for that matter....for Sam.

I guess my kids are just too darn cute for a traditional birth announcement! ;)

Noah can dress himself...sort of.

2011-09-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you tell a 3 year old
he can wear whatever he wants?

This.

Sam - 1 Month Today

2011-09-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

Thoughts on Sam's birth.

2011-08-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

I've had a blog circling around in my head for the past two weeks
but have lacked the time or words to piece it all together.
This morning I decided it was time to try to say it...
everything I wanted to say didn't quite make it in this one.
I guess that means I'm not quite done blogging yet. ;)

While we awaited the safe arrival of little Sam
I wondered what it would be like after losing Amelia,
to hold him
to give birth at the same hospital,
to marvel over his tiny feet,
to smell him...

would it be healing?
would it just hurt and cover me with grief,
would the flood and mixture of emotions overwhelm me,
or would I just shut down.

I often found my self wondering,
when will the joy triumph completely over the fear?

The morning of Sam's birth as we drove to the hospital
I could sense Tim's excitement
but strangely, I couldn't feel mine.
I wondered what was wrong with me and confided in him that
I felt nothing.
Here we were, on our way to the hospital
to deliver our precious son,
and I was calm as could be.
I'm calling it my self-protect mode.
I think my "heart" knew it was to much to process in the moment.
Like if I allowed myself to feel
the excitement, the anticipation and the joy,
then I would also have to feel
the heartbreak, the emptiness and the sorrow.

I was not until in the operating room
in the minutes before Sam was born
as I prayed,
that I remember the shell around my heart beginning to crumble.
It's ironic really,
that as my body was numbed from the anesthesia
my heart began to ache, knots tightened my throat,
tears threatened my eyes,
I could finally feel.

The section took longer than I remembered with Noah or Amelia.
But it should come as no suprise when I say, he was worth the wait.
He was perfect.
A perfect mix of "Lorang" features...
Amelia's lips, Noah nose and cheeks,
Daddy's eyes, Mommy's ears.

Nothing could have surpassed the joy that filled my heart
when I heard his cry.

Alongside the overwhelming joy and love
there are some tough things.
These are the things that I struggle to put into words...

For me there have been several triggers
having a newborn that I had not expected...

When I am nursing,
I catch glimpses of Amelia in Sam's profile
and I long to see what she would have looked like
as a two week old baby.

When I change Sam's diaper
he curls his legs in tightly to his chest
I have vivid memories of Amelia's legs curled up in a similar pose,
muscles tightened by death.

Sometimes, when I kiss his cheeks
I can still remember how soft her skin was
and in turn I remember how different her skin felt
when I dressed her for the last time at the mortuary.
There have been some tough things.
And there have been so many joyous and wonderful things.

And still, we remain "in the grip of His grace"and
ever grateful for the blessings we have been given in our children,
Noah, Sam and especially our sweet Amelia Grace.

Sam's First Photo Shoot

2011-08-12T10:03:00.002-05:00

Meet Sara.

Well, the back of Sara's head anyway...

Sara photographed Amelia when she was safe in my belly.

Sara Rocks.

I always love getting pictures taken of my kiddos.

Yesterday was no exception.

And still I could not help but think about the one year old girl

I am missing in pictures

and in my arms.

Miss you sweet girl! -Mommy

And because people always ask when I show off pictures she has taken of my kids...

here is the link to her website. :)

Click HERE to visit

Sara Rogers Photography

Omaha, Nebraska

Photos of Sam

2011-08-04T16:26:00.000-05:00

Amelia's Little Brother

Bringing Home Sam

Sam is here!

2011-08-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

and he is absolutely perfect.

Samuel Vern Lorang

August 1st, 2011

arrived at 7:47 am

weighing 7 pounds, 8 ounces

21 inches long

"For this child we prayed."

Some Birthday Pictures

2011-07-28T21:48:00.001-05:00

Noah telling me he has his "Amelia Bracelet" on.

Amelia's Memorial butterfly at the Henry Doorly Zoo

Amelia's birthday (cup)cakes made by Mommy

Three balloons on their way to Amelia...

Want to see all the birthday celebration pictures?

Here you go.

One year ago today, I held a piece of heaven.

2011-07-28T09:02:00.004-05:00

Sweet Amelia,

It was just one year ago I held you in my arms for the first time.
One year ago today that I held a piece of heaven.

Words cannot describe how very much I miss you now, and how empty my arms, my heart, and our family is without you here with us. Not a second goes by that we don't think of you, love you or long for you. Not a moment that I don't praise God for giving you to me, my sweet blessing of rain drops and butterflies.

Today on your earthly birthday, I can't help but wonder what amazing things you have seen and are being shown to you today, as you sit at Jesus' feet. I pray that to you it will seem like just moments before I am with you again.

There is so much more on my heart today sweet girl.
Yet somehow, I know that there is no need to say a word of it, no need to send up a balloon with a message perfectly penned in love for you, no need to toil over the words until they are just so, because I know you already know all that is in my heart. We remain connected you and I; mother and daughter.

You are never more than a whisper away sweet baby.

Love,
Mommy

1 Year of Wednesdays

2011-07-27T09:02:00.011-05:00

This week I have been bombarded with butterflies :)
and blessed with a couple very special gifts
from some amazing baby loss Mama's!

I still can't believe Amelia's birthday is here.
I will never forget July 28, 2010. It's hers.
It seems like just a moment ago I held her in my arms,
told her I loved her,
marveled at how beautiful she was,
kissed her adorable lips...
has it really been a year?
Have I been documenting my grief
and our journey for that long?
Days like today make it feel so painfully raw, real and recent.

I want to share with you 1 of the amazing gifts I received this week
from my friend in the journey, Stacy.
I know I have mentioned her and her precious Rachel here before.
When I received this package in the mail on Monday,
I hadn't even opened up the outer Amazon box before I announced to the guys
that it was a gift from Rachel's Mommy,
I just knew.

Birthday gift from Stacy and ^Rachel^

The story behind the gift...as written by Stacy
"When I was at the hospital with my sister on the 15th, she brought me down to the gift shop to look at the willow trees to see which one I would like for my bday. I saw one I like (holding the forget-me-nots) but was wishing there was one with daisies. We went back to her room and I searched on line to see. And since I was looking at all of them, saw the one I sent you. It is called the "Freedom Angel". I immediately wanted to get it for you cause of the butterfly, but I was wishing it had a different name cause I wanted it to be more relevant for Amelia.
A couple days later in church, we sang the "Freedom Reigns" song that I have on my blog. That night as I was writing my post, "There is freedom" I thought of Amelia... and knew the name of that angel was perfect for your Angel. Here is the last 2 paragraphs from that post...

Where the Spirit of the Lord is... There is freedom...

If you're tired and thirsty... there is freedom...

Lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom

Freedom reigns in this place

Showers of mercy and grace

Falling on every face... there is freedom...

give your all to Jesus... there is freedom

It is a long road, but the Lord goes before me. He alone can fill me up. When I'm tired and thirsty, when I feel the rain start coming down again, all I need to do is lift my eyes to heaven and give my all to Jesus... and the rain will reveal His showers of mercy and grace - and that is where I'll find my freedom.

It isn't freedom from the reality of my pain on earth.... that's here to stay. The freedom of the Spirit helps me to keep going... when I feel like I can't go anymore... and to hold on to the hope I have in Jesus knowing I will eventually see my girl again. It's freedom to be sad, while still genuinely thanking God for even the hardest time in my life, knowing that this is His perfect will for my life and to know that Rachel (AMELIA) was not a disappointment. Her life was everything it was meant to be. Even if some don't see it. I am so proud of her and can't wait to tell her face to face. And because of the Lord, some day I (YOU) will. And on that day, I will find my eternal freedom of pain, tears, sadness, sin and earthly trials with Him (and her) in heaven. Until then, I will lift my eyes and give my all to Jesus and find my freedom in trusting Him."

Sometimes other people just say it better than I can...

2011-07-25T09:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the greatest miracles come

when God changes us and gives us joy in Him,

even though our prayers aren’t answered

the way we prayed they would be.

T. Suzanne Eller

It has arrived.

Amelia's birthday week is here.

I can hardly believe it will be a year this Thursday

since we said hello... and goodbye.

I have "watched" several of my baby loss mommy friends navigate their way through the first birthday of their precious babies.

I hurt for them as they reflected, grieved and expressed their love and devotion for their babies as they passed this milestone.

I knew someday soon I would be standing where they were,

grieving as they had done,

celebrating as they were,

but I don't think I ever really processed

just how much it would hurt,

to be standing here

one year later.

Miss you so much baby girl...

update. (Sam's new c-section date)

2011-07-20T09:52:00.001-05:00

We had our amnio this morning.
Unfortunately, Sam is not ready
so our c-section scheduled for tomorrow has been postponed.
That's all I really know right now.
I will post an update later today in this same post.

********************

Sam is now "scheduled" to arrive in the early morning hours
on Aug 1st, via c-section.
As I mentioned earlier this morning
the amnio results concluded that Sam's lungs are not yet mature.
We expect that by August 1st (39 weeks 3 days)
Sam should be ready to make his appearance.
If he decides to come on his own before that day,
we will have a c-section done at that time.

I used to say I love planning.
I have to admit, I think I am done trying to plan anything in regards to this pregnancy.
How quickly I forget just who is calling the shots...

Tim and I so appreciate all the prayer and support!
Please keep it coming.
I am exhausted and so very done being pregnant,
but not so tired that I have any desire to risk little Sam's health!
So we will continue the course that has been laid before us,
we will wait
as (un)patiently as possible :)
for our precious rainbow baby.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.

God does it so that people will fear him.

Whatever is has already been,

and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account.

Isaiah 53:5

2011-07-15T07:30:00.003-05:00

“He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.”

Isaiah 53:5b (NLT)

This verse ended my daily email devotion this morning.
Yup, I just started bawling.

Anencephaly mommies will no doubt understand with little to no explanation what it means to hear so we can be whole....
that she is whole.

When I finally finished crying I only felt one thing,

peace.

the kind only God can give;

and He is so good,

so very, very good.

Will she be there?

2011-07-13T09:02:00.015-05:00

Last week the date was set for my c-section
and for Sam's birth day.
Pending good amnio results our OB
has scheduled the surgery for Thursday, July 21st.
We had been planning on waiting until after Amelia's birthday
(if we were able)
but it appears that is no longer a possibility.
Hopefully this date will allow a safe delivery of a healthy baby boy,
and our family (including Sam) to be out of the hospital in time to do the things we have planned for Amelia's 1st birthday.

It would be impossible to describe the range of emotions that are sweeping over me as Sam and Amelia's birthdays approach, so I won't even try today...

There is however, one little thing I did want to share.
As Tim and I finalized our plans for our hospital stay
and c-section date
I wondered out loud,
"Do you believe she will be there when Sam is born?"
I rambled on, I mean do you believe she will actually be present? Will she be watching, do you think of her as a guardian angel?
or
Do you hope she isn't? Pray, praise and give thanks that she is blissfully unaware of the remainder of our earthly days while she rests peacefully in Jesus arms?

Maybe it will not come as much of a surprise
but I have to tell you...
As our conversation paused,
a single butterfly came into view along the roadside as we drove.
;)
I love me some God winks!!!

Tim admitted he didn't have the answers I sought.
but, someday
someday we will.

I think our worldly nature pulls us to believe whatever brings the most comfort. Some people prefer to believe that "there are holes in the floor of heaven" or that their love ones are now acting as their "guardian angels."

I would have to say my heart and my faith leads me to believe that our Lord has revealed everything to little Amelia; the past, the present and the future. Time is irrelevant in heaven. She is completely happy in the presence of Jesus. There are no tears because she has already seen the ending of His story and each of our loved one's place in that story. She already knows Sam. She does not feel compelled to guard him. She looks to Jesus and knows - He's got it covered.

Will she be present on the day Sam is born?
In my heart of hearts, I don't think she will.
but that doesn't really bother me...
Will she be on our hearts?
every single second.

”For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;

he will lead them to springs of living water.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:17

Blood Donations for Amelia

2011-07-06T09:02:00.008-05:00

Greater love has no one than this:
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

July is officially here!

Just wanted to put out a friendly reminder that we would be honored if you would consider donating blood in Amelia's memory anytime in the month of July. We can think of no better way to celebrate her life than giving life through the donation of blood. We're hoping you agree and donate!

You can call to schedule an appointment or to find a drive near you 1-800-RED-CROSS

or go to www.redcrossblood.org

Please let us know if you were able to donate in Amelia's honor,
we would love the chance to say thank you!

Actually my heart broke a little as we turned the calendar over to the month of July.
In the same way Wednesdays have become "hers" in our home;
July belongs to Amelia.
Just one short year ago we faced the turning of the calendar knowing Amelia would soon be in our arms

and then all to soon, that she would leave us.

This year the month takes on a new bittersweet,

as we prepare for both Amelia's 1 year heavenly birthday

and our little Sam's birth day.
My anxiety level is high. My heart hurts so deeply.

My grief feels so raw and new...

I am attempting to ready our family for so much joy

while navigating a thick fog of heartbreak.
I'm not sure I can put into words where I am at emotionally.

I can't believe it's July.

I miss my girl.

I'm anxious to meet my son.

I'm tired.

I'm hopeful.

I'm broken

and I'm relying on my Lord to carry me

yet again

through the storm

and deliver

a beautiful rainbow.

47 Weeks - Missing My Girl

2011-06-29T09:02:00.004-05:00

To all who mourn...

"he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory."
Isaiah 61:2-4

11 months - My Stones

2011-06-28T11:02:00.023-05:00

Joshua 4

⁵“Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, ⁶ to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ⁷ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

9“Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.”

²³ For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. ²⁴ He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.”

Living along the Missouri river, we are no stranger to flood waters these days.

The text above sites, in part, the story of how Joshua led the nation Israel across the Jordan River, it was harvest and the river Jordan was at flood stage. I'd ask of you to try to envision this day. For those of you living surrounded by the raising and fast flowing river waters I do, it may not be so difficult a stretch of the imagination.

Maybe your imagination will take you to a more loose interpretation of flood waters. Maybe the raging furry, the crushing power of those waters will take you back to a time in your life when it seemed there was no hope. A time when you felt God had abandoned you in the midst of the crushing waters of loss and heartbreak?

At least that's where my mind takes me...

I have often thought it must seem a bit odd from the outside looking in that I "celebrate" the milestones following the loss of Amelia.
No doubt it would seem strange to anyone that has not lost a child, to mark the months that pass, to throw a birthday party for a child that only lived on earth for a few short hours...or maybe never took a breath at all.

Maybe it does seem strange to you that a grieving mother would gather keepsakes such as a bit of hair, foot and hand print molds, keep blood stained baby clothing in Ziploc baggies, or purchase a duplicate of the outfit their child is buried in.

But as I read again this story of the crossing of the Jordan I am reminded of why these mementos are so very special. They are indeed treasured keepsakes of our precious and loved children. But they are more than that to me. Maybe I am not alone in this...

I have stones similar to the stones of the tribes of Israel.
They are memorials of my daughter. They are reminders of her, but even more so they are reminders of what the Lord has carried me (us) through. They are a testament to His mercy and His steadfast love for me in the midst of the raging flood waters.
And when I see these "stones,"
I remember so much more that the heartbreak of losing her.
I remember the gift of having her.
I remember how He carried me.
I remember the peace that filled the room on the day she was born.

I have a Moses Basket sitting in my basement.
I have often thought to myself (and aloud to Tim)
"What should I do with it?"
It is a painful reminder of our loss.
It carried her body to the funeral home.
It carried her casket to her grave.

I put her in the basket;
more to the point, my body failed her
and put her in that basket.
Thank heavens the basket means more to me that just that.

I chose that basket because it reminded me of Moses mother;
her trust that God would protect her child,
that He had a future in mind for him that was bigger than she could ever have imagined.
Through Amelia's life and death, God taught me to trust in that same way.
God gave me the strength to put her in that basket.
God gave me the strength to hand her back to him.
God let me put all my trust in him.
He did that.

We crossed our river Jordan
and find ourselves on the opposite shore looking back
knowing full well
he has not left us empty handed.
He left a pile of stones,
precious keepsakes, photos, blankets, jewelry...
so that in the future,
when my children ask me, ‘What do these stones mean?
I can tell them all about her, smile and say, He carried me.

46 Weeks - the darkness still finds me...

2011-06-22T09:02:00.065-05:00

It's always tough to coordinate appointment times with my work and childcare schedule. This past week as I struggled to find a day and time to get in and see my eye doctor (4 months late and on my very last set of contacts!!!)
I found myself in the middle of an Amelia moment...

As I attempted to negotiate an appointment time with the sweet receptionist, she sensed my frustration and commented "...oh yes, you have another little one now don't you!"
I didn't see it coming.
I wasn't ready with my response.
I should have been prepared,
she always goes out of her way to comment on Noah. :)
She did SEE me pregnant with Amelia after all.

Working in a small community in a fairly public job I clearly have become accustomed to assuming people "know about Amelia."
My eye doctor is closer to where I live in Omaha. It is in fact, the same eye office I have gone to since I was in the 5th grade. They all know me there, so I guess it understandable that I would forget that they would have no idea that our sweet baby is gone.

All I could muster in response was,
"No, we just have one at home."
Oh, she said, I thought there were two, her voice trailing off.
I swear could hear the self-doubt in her voice.
Was her memory failing her?
Wasn't I was pregnant the last time she saw me?
I was tempted to explain, but didn't.
Now I regret it.
I should have just explained.
Particularly because when she sees my hugely pregnant belly at my appointment next week the topic is bound to resurface.
She's going to feel horrible.
And then I'll feel horrible for making her feel horrible...

Later that evening, Noah and I met up with my Mom to help her shop for a dress to wear for an upcoming wedding. I was really looking forward to a little retail therapy.
But as usual, there is no hiding from the heartbreak.

I should have steered clear of the baby clothes,
but I am having a baby after all!
I tried to avoid the girl stuff...but there it was,
an entire rack of the outfit my sweet girl is buried in.
I looked away as quickly as I could but my mind still went there...
down below the dirt
to my sweet babies body, in that outfit.
I just kept moving forward,
pushed Noah's stroller through the maze of racks and out onto the path,
it was all I could do to not pass out.
Was the store closing in on me?
Suddenly I couldn't remember the way to the stores exit.
In an instant, it was Aug 4th; the day of her funeral.
I could see my hand fighting with the top button of that rose sleeper in an effort to adjust the ruffles to lay flat against her cheek in the moments before visitation began.

The moment passed.
My Mom was just behind me, had she seen?
Did my face go white? Had I stopped breathing?
It was just a moment.
Just an outfit.
Just her body.

Sometimes I can hardly believe I am still here,
was it all a dream?
Surely it was, there's no way I could have buried my baby girl
without insisting they bury me to.

The darkness still finds me, clings to me like my shadow
BUT the light does to
and just when I think I can't take one more step,
He carries me.

John 14 (NIV)

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. ⁴ You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus the Way to the Father

⁵ Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know^[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”
⁸ Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”
⁹ Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? ¹⁰ Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. ¹¹ Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. ¹² Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. ¹³ And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴ You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

    ¹⁵ “If you love me, keep my commands. ¹⁶ And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be^[c] in you. ¹⁸ I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ¹⁹ Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰ On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ²¹ Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.” ²² Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”
²³ Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. ²⁴ Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
   ²⁵ “All this I have spoken while still with you. ²⁶ But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. ²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
   ²⁸ “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. ²⁹ I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. ³⁰ I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, ³¹ but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
   “Come now; let us leave.

45 Weeks - yup, still sending us butterflies

2011-06-15T09:02:00.007-05:00

Notice the "A" on the butterfly?

click on this image to enlarge

This photo was sent to me yesterday from a baby loss mommy friend of mine named Stacy.

She has had this stone for sometime...I hope she won't mind me sharing the story (in part) of this little stone and why it means so much to her

and me.

You see I am quite certain that her Rachel and my Amelia are buddies up in heaven. :)

And though her Mom and I have yet to meet, we walk the twisty path through our grief side by side.

As many baby loss mommy will tell you,

we each have little things that remind us of our babies.

I have often referred to them here as Godwinks. ;)

For us butterflies have taken on special meaning since Amelia's death, for Stacy and her Rachel, it's daisies.

I love getting little emails from Stacy - this excerpt from her recent message to me was no exception.

"I bought this little rock before Matt & I got married. I got it at my favorite greenhouse and we used this saying on the favors we gave out (1/2 of them were flower seed packets and 1/2 were candles and we had a different saying and verse on each.) The flower packets said "todays seeds are tomorrows flowers" and had the Romans 8:28 verse - God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

So, the other day, I was looking at this rock and it dawned on me that it has daisies on it... I mean, I knew it but didn't KNOW it (if you know what I mean) remember my post about how daisies ended up being a big part of my wedding without meaning it? Well, I was looking at this rock getting all sad about Rachel and I then noticed that it also has a butterfly on it... I looked closer and no joke, the butterfly has an "A" on it. Not sure if it's supposed to be part of the detail or if it's the artists initial, but I had never noticed it before. I've had this sitting on a shelf in my bathroom for years and this all came to me the other day.

Then at my moms, I'm not sure if this comment came through to you the other day since I'm having so much trouble with them, but this beautiful butterfly was hanging out with us for a while. It was big and yellow. Isaiah was thrilled about it! I've never seen a butterfly hang around humans like that before. I tried to comment that night on your blog to tell you about it and let you know I was thinking of Amelia. But the next day I went up there to swim again and the same butterfly was with us for over an hour again!

Yep, I think our girls are buddies up there :o) ♥"

Thanks Stacy!

Thanks girls, we miss you and love you so much!

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14

44 Weeks - Blessings: Being In The Moment

2011-06-08T09:02:00.019-05:00

“Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.”

James 4:13-14

Amelia has blessed my life in so many ways. I doubt I will ever truly see all the ways in which God used her time with us and our time without her to bless our family. As I approach the end of this pregnancy with Sam and creep up all to quickly on the one year anniversary of Amelia's birth and death, I thought it appropriate to begin a series of reflections on a few of the specific ways our Lord has used her brief but impactful life to change me, mold me and move me.

While I was pregnant with her I was blessed daily by a strong lesson in what it means to live in the moment. What it means to treasure the things that really matter, the moments that make a life well lived. We only had moments with Amelia and I was determined to make the most of those moments.

All to often I live my life focusing on the tasks ahead of me, the great things that lie ahead rather than the infinite blessings right in front of me. The desires of my heart become more and more worldly and I lose sight of what really matters. It is all to easy to do in the fast paced, consumption based society in which we live.

In those months with Amelia it was never more clear what it meant to be a mother to my children. My "work" was laid out before me and because I could not bear the weight of losing her I was able to give it all up to God. It took Amelia's diagnosis to really bring me to my knees and refocus my heart.

Living in the moment seems like a fairly simple thing to put into practice. It is a way of living and prioritizing that has guided me in several aspects of my life, particularly in relationships. I have even been led astray a bit by the ideology once or twice, applying it to justify impulsive and reckless behavior. My time with Amelia broadened my understanding of what it means to "be in the moment." Maybe that's putting it lightly...

God used my pregnancy with her to reveal the daily, infinite blessings of being a mother. To fill me with the deepest of joy that can come only when you pour your entire heart and soul into just one thing; into just one person.

And I realized something in loving Amelia. The way we loved her, spent time with her, focused our family on her...that's the way God want us to feel & live for Him. To center every aspect of our lives around Him. To live our lives as if there's no tomorrow;
at least not here on earth.

I think I could type for hours and feel as if I haven't expressed this sweet lesson in living & loving that is emblazoned in her name on my heart. For now, this post will have to do.

Miss you sweet girl.
Thanking our Lord every single moment that He chose me to carry you; to call you Daughter.
Until we meet again...
Mommy

10 Months - more borrowed words

2011-06-01T09:02:00.045-05:00

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children

are walking in the truth.

3 John 1:4

This past Saturday, May 28th, marked 10 months since our sweet little Amelia Grace entered the world and all to quickly left it.
I can hardly believe it.

On Monday I found some time in the morning to grab a seat at the computer for a few minutes and watch the video footage we have of her in the hospital. There's not much, but am I'm SO glad that Tim thought to grab the flipmino and capture a few moments of her life on "video". (do they even call it video anymore?..I am so not technically savvy!) It is always surreal watching that footage. I love her little voice and I am always struck by how happy I seem. Someone watching the video who is unaware that she will pass just minutes after the last seconds of video were shot, might not think that she is anything other than a newborn baby or that I am about to be a grieving mother rather than the glowing new mother caught on camera...

I'm not sure I have ever truly felt God's peace like I did that day.
She was amazing folks, just amazing.

I saw this little story on a (several) blogging mamas site(s) this week and just had to share it with you all - with a few small edits of my own of course. ;)

The Brave Little Soul

John Alessi

with edits by Amelia's Mommy

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."

The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?, she asked.

God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you. Amelia Grace."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little Amelia, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her struggles and God's strength she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. She happened. God was pleased.

Amelia's Marker

2011-05-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

click on the image to enlarge

We went down to the cemetery this evening to place Amelia's Memorial Day wreath and pinwheel. To our surprise her marker had been placed just in time for the holiday. I feel bad that it took us as long as it did to do this last thing for her. I agonized for months over the granite color, size, text, layout, vases...
I hated everything.
Finally I came to the realization
OF COURSE I hate them all
they are grave markers
for our baby girl!

Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her. “Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” John 20:11-13

"Congratulations"

2011-05-19T09:02:00.009-05:00

"I have held many things in my hands,
and have lost them all;
but whatever I have placed in God's hands,
that I still possess."

~Martin Luther

Lately we have been busying ourselves at home enjoying the nice weather and getting ready for Sam. I think it is finally sinking in that we might actually get to bring him home. In my heart I still feel some hesitation when I think about bringing him home from the hospital. It just doesn't feel right to assume we will get to keep this baby when we are so intimately aware that not all babies get to come home...

We had another u/s with maternal Fetal Medicine this past Monday. Sam looked great! He now weighs over 3 lbs and is is the 57%. I think he will easily surpass Noah and Amelia's birth weights, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. :)

I was caught a bit off guard when our "super" doc wrapped up our u/s appointment with a "congratulations." I wasn't sure what to think of that statement at first and it left me pondering why a statement like that would catch me so off guard...I'm not sure even now if I can explain what was so off about it to me.

In regards to pregnancy, "Congratulations" seems a term reserved for those who just shared the news of their pregnancy or for those who have just given birth. Amongst the members of my Anencephaly Mommy group we often say congratulations along with expressing our sympathy as we sit helplessly by and watch the newest members of our group grieve the death of their precious child.

Maybe it was the words he left out that have me questioning; "Congratulations on your healthy baby." In all the times we saw him when we were pregnancy with Amelia, I don't recall him saying congratulations to us...
I imagine being a "baby" doctor he often leaves parents with a well wish and a congrats. He probably says it so often he doesn't even think about it.

Maybe it was the sting of a wish that never came true with Amelia. Maybe it was just another product of my new normal. A reaction from the mother bear inside of me that remains guarded in my hope for a healthy baby and defensive in my love for the daughter we lost. Maybe I have prepared myself more for loss and continued heartbreak than I have for joy and hopefulness. Maybe I am so focused on preparing to lose Sam, that a simple phrase like congratulations has become unexpected and strangely unwelcome.

I am left to conclude that my unease with his kind expression, is just another reflection of the complicated mix of emotions that comes with carrying a rainbow baby.

I wish I could tell you that I have sorted through it all and emerged on the other side less confused and with a small nugget of insight that has better prepared me for the many joyful congratulations that loom in my future, but the truth is, I haven't.

And still,
(to borrow a favorite phrase of mine from another baby loss mommy)
I remain in the grip of His grace,
Melissa

thoughts on birthdays

2011-05-17T09:03:00.007-05:00

In the last few weeks
three very special mothers
celebrated the 1st heavenly birthday of their sweet girls.
Each of these women belong to an Anencephaly support group for mother's choosing to carry to term that I am also a part of. I remember the birth of these beautiful girls as if it were yesterday. My tears flowed filling buckets as I mourned their loss and celebrated the blessing of their daughters brief but impact full lives, as I anticipated the birth of my own blessing, Amelia Grace.

Please join me in sending special belated birthday wishes to
Ella, Karinne and Olivia
and maybe a little prayer for their mommies too!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Ella, Karinne and Olivia!

I realize to some of you who have never lost a child, that the idea of celebrating the birthday of a child in heaven might seem strange. But for many mommy's of babies in heaven, their baby's milestones, birthdays and anniversaries are a BIG deal. Whether they chose to recognize the day privately or with a public celebration such as a birthday party, mommies and daddies don't forget these special days of remembrance.

Tim and I have discussed (at length) ideas for how we intend to spend Amelia's first birthday. It may come as a surprise (or not) that initially we did not agree on much. We did decide that it would be best for our family to push back the c-section scheduling of Sam's birth from the 28th (Amelia's birthday) to the 29th. Many things factored into our decision. One of our hopes is that by doing so, we will be able to spend Amelia's birthday doing some special things together as a family.

If I had things my way, we would be having a HUGE birthday party, inviting all Amelia's family and friends to share in the festivities, including a 3 tier fondant cake, balloon release, crafts for the kids, etc...
Tim would rather not (and I totally get that!)
All of my best laid plans sound amazing in my head, but then I cringe at the thought of people not coming to her party or dreading coming and feeling uncomfortable about a party for a dead baby. And I am brought back to the harsh reality that I am a mommy of children in heaven. So, unless someone has been just where I am; they aren't going to understand. That single fact, even though it makes me feel really lonely sometimes, also leaves me thankful. Thankful they have never had to bury a child...

Tim and I tossed around the idea of doing another blood drive similar to the drives held last June in Amelia's honor, but in the end, we decided against it.
however we have agreed,

To ask our friends and family (that's you!) to donate blood on their own in Amelia's memory anytime in the month of July. For those of you that would like to donate and are regular donors, I realize this may take some coordinating (which is why I am giving you a heads up now) but I hope you will consider it. :) We would be honored if you would be willing to donate in her memory and let us know that you did. I can think of no better way to celebrate her life than giving life through the donation of blood.

You can call to schedule an appointment or to find a drive near you 1-800-RED-CROSS or go to www.redcrossblood.org

Greater love has no one than this:
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

and I quote...

2011-05-13T15:23:00.000-05:00

“But there’s a decision that I find God is asking us to make:

whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God,

or whether we’re going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances.”

~ Laura Story

You Are Beautiful

2011-05-11T15:24:00.000-05:00

One of my blogger friends posted this MercyMe song recently. Although this song is about much more than baby loss, the message I heard when I listened to this song, was for our Amelia.
Having had the privilege of carrying Amelia Grace, I was challenged in many ways. Though there are a few things I would have done a bit differently looking back, I have no regrets in regards to carrying her to term. As the mother of a child with a condition such as Anencephaly I had some concerns about what it would be like on the day she was born, more specifically about the way should would look.

Despite any fears, I knew I would love her, just as she was, despite her imperfect skull, her open wound and "anencephalic" characteristics. My fears about her appearance were intensely "motherly." For the most part, I was fearful of others reaction to her. Would they shudder? Would they stare in morbid curiosity? Would they pity her? Ultimately would they think less of her, love her less because she was not a picture perfect infant?

I knew they would not see her as Tim, Noah and I did, with unconditional love. I was and am still VERY protective of my daughter. Tim and I were cautious of the photos on display at her service. Cautious not because we felt a need to hide her Anencephaly, but because we didn't want her defect to inhibit others from seeing just how beautiful she really was. Maybe it was too overprotective of us. Maybe we were inadvertently sending a message that we were ashamed of how she looked...

None of that matters now.
No doubt she is healed and playing at the feet of our Lord. Just as we will all be healed and made beautiful someday. For Tim and I, it's hard to imagine her as anything less than perfect; just as she was on the day of her birth and just as she is now, in heaven.

Miss you so much beautiful girl!

Beautiful - MercyMe
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of Amelia's blog before playing the video!

39 weeks - Giveaway!!!

2011-05-04T09:02:00.026-05:00

Today I am happy to announce a "Giveaway" of sorts available to anyone who is facing a terminal pregnancy, or is pregnant with their rainbow or is just plain pregnant.

One of the most treasured things I was given while pregnant with lil' Miss Amelia was a fetal heart Doppler from another baby loss mommy. I could listen to Amelia's heartbeat, at home, anytime I wanted to! It was amazing!

Since discovering I was pregnant with our rainbow, Sam, I have continued to use the monitor whenever I feel uneasy or just need to remind myself, "Yes, this is real and it's going to be OK..."

All that being said, I have been in touch with some amazing folks at BabyBeat who have offered to do a 3 month promotion on Amelia's blog with a 10% discount of Doppler rental and a FREE keepsake CD of your little ones heartbeat. The code to receive this offer is AGL10.
(Your account will be flagged to receive the free CD when you rent the monitor.) Visit their website to redeem your discount and make a recording of your precious baby's heartbeat! http://www.babybeat.com/

Please do not hesitate to contact me with questions. I would love to help! In fact, I would love to hear from anyone who put this savings to use!

Miss Amelia's Heartbeat

² My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³ in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Colossians 2

38 Weeks - It's been 9 months tomorrow

2011-04-27T09:02:00.006-05:00

9 months since I held you

in my arms for the first and last time here on this earth.

sigh

Your baby brother Sam

has been much gentler on mommy's belly than you were ;)

Still, I was so grateful for every move you made!

Mommy always knew you were alive and well;

each kick, jab and belly roll...tiny blessings

from the biggest soul I have ever known.

We miss you so very much baby girl.

It has been raining a lot here lately.

Just like last year at this time, when you were safe in my tummy.

I think of you each time it rains and I smile

knowing where you are

there are no more tears,

no cloudy days,

only His glorious light.

Love you sweet girl!

Mommy

Psalm 139

written with love for all

and for you, sweet Amelia Grace

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

37 Weeks - A Broken Cross, A Broken Heart

2011-04-20T09:02:00.001-05:00

I arrived at Bergan Mercy for a 24 week u/s of Sam on Monday at around 3:50. My appointment wasn't until 4:15 and I was less than a block from the cemetery. I wanted to go, but I had only "driven by" once before without Tim or Noah with me.
But I have time...I should go I thought.

When I pulled up I saw what no Mommy wants to see.

Everything we had put out for her, ALL of her decorations had been removed. All that remained was a battered green marker id-ing her spot as "Amelia Grace Lorang."

It looked like a paupers grave, forgotten and untended.

The tears came without control. I could hardly get out of the car.

I knew the cemeteries policies but had been under the impression that they "left Babyland alone."

Clearly they do not.

Beginning March 1st, all grave decorations must be attached or contained in a cemetery approved vase.

We have yet to purchase a marker for our little Amelia.

Which meant not only had all that we had lovingly placed there for her had been removed and piled in trash heap just behind the cemetery office, but that anything we placed there between now and mid November would be removed as well.

I have been planning for weeks, the design of an Easter basket for Amelia's grave that I now know cannot be.

I would not have expected to lose all emotional hold of myself at the realization that I could not decorate my daughter's grave. I hardly shed a tear at her funeral service for pities sake!!!!
Why this? Why now?

With the help of the Manager of the cemetery,
I waded through the garbage in search of Amelia's things.

Her pinwheel ~ gone...

sometimes people rummage through and take the nicer things, he explained.

Really?!?!?

Her Purple cross~only a portion remained dangling from the bent metal frame.

I managed to find a small angel and some remnants of her red Christmas flowers. The manager stood by as I tiptoed through the pile, asking...is there anything in particular you are looking for?

Not really I said. There was a pinwheel I said.
Just her things I said.

I told him it was ok, I understood. There was nothing he could have done...

I quietly loaded the flowers and plastic angel into the trunk of the Acura and hurried away the tender apologies of the manager trailing behind in the exhaust.

In the parking lot facing the maternity center where Amelia was born and died, I tried to pull myself togther. It took me almost 15 minutes just to stop crying enough, to walk through the hospital doors for my appointment.

My heart is still in pieces days later.
This morning I laid it all at the foot of the cross and I was comforted by these words...

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.

1 Corinthians 15:54

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his.

Romans 6:4-5

Miss A's Blanket

2011-04-19T14:41:00.003-05:00

Click this link!!! Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies: Miss A's blanket...

Anyone recognize these gorgeous footprints?!? This blanket is in the mail making its way to me right now! I can hardly believe it, this Mommy embroiders blankets just for baby loss mommies and daddies...isn't that so special! Yup, I think I love her. ;) ~Melissa

Sam - 24 weeks 4 days

2011-04-18T20:10:00.003-05:00

Can you see his little face?
Weighing in at 1 lb 10 oz this "big" guy is doing great!

36 Weeks - about Noah

2011-04-13T09:02:00.002-05:00

Since learning of Amelia's condition a little over a year ago, Tim and I have agonized over many things. If one thing has proved to be particularly difficult, is the best way to explain it all our son Noah.

At the time of her diagnosis, Noah was just 1 1/2 years old and barely understood that there was a baby in Mommy's belly. Each night in his bedtime prayer, we prayed for baby Sisa (he couldn't pronounce Amelia at first). We cherished every hug & "belly kiss" he gave her, wondering all the while, "How much of this does he really understand?" "How much of this will he remember?" "Will he remember his sister at all?"

We resolved ourselves to be honest with him when he asked about her, keeping it simple and as "un-alarming" as we possibly could. We questioned if we should have him with us at the hospital on her birthday and in the end decided, yes, he should have the chance to meet his sister. As it turned out, he was in the room when she died. Looking back I have often wondered, was she was hanging on just to meet him?
In the following weeks Noah would wander into "her room." One day, wondering just what he was up to, I followed him in. He was looking at her picture! He pointed right at a famed photo of her and said "sisa."
He only saw her for a few short hours in the hospital and on the day of her funeral yet, he recognized her in a photograph.
He remembered her.
I cannot describe to you the wave of emotions that came over me in that moment.

Noah loves to look at pictures of her and to visit the cemetery, which we explained is a place we go to remember Sisa, rather than where she is buried. At first we had told him we were going to see Sisa, but that was just confusing when he could not actually see her there. We have told him that she is in heaven with Jesus but I just am not sure how to explain that her body is still here...
So far he has asked us very few questions but has made numerous references to her and statements about her. Some make me smile, others break my heart in two.

We had intended to wait until our 20 week ultrasound to tell Noah about our pregnancy, in hopes of avoiding confusion between this new baby and our Amelia, but he figured it out on his own (still baffles me!) and asked if there was a baby in my belly as we were reading his bedtime story.
Much to our surprise, he has never confused the two of them.
He has however asked some difficult questions about Sam.
The most heartbreaking of questions...
"Sam come home with us, Momma?
he come stay with us? at our house?"
I told him yes, but I'm not sure if I was very convincing. Most days I am not convinced that he will be coming home with us. I pray that he will. I think that he will, but I don't know that he will. How can I make that promise?

And still, the joys far outweigh the sorrows~when I remember the promises my Lord has made to me, to our family and to each of us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

35 Weeks - selling the furniture

2011-04-06T09:02:00.001-05:00

For those of you who have followed our story for some time,
will recall that, knowing with all my heart
at just 15 weeks, that Miss Amelia was indeed a Miss,
I purchased all but her crib in sweet anticipation of her arrival.
A few weeks ago Tim and I decided that the time had come
to sell Amelia's furniture.
We had no place to store it,
no extra bedroom to furnish,
and if I am completely honest,
it served as little more than a painful reminder
of the dreams we once had of raising a little girl.
I hung onto it in hopes that Amelia's little sister
would be joining our family this summer,
even though I knew from the beginning, that Sam, was well, Sam
and more than likely would not be in need of his big sister's nursery furniture!

Last week we sold it on Craig's List, split up amongst two families.
It went very smoothly, Praise be to God!
And happened very quickly
which I was very, very thankful for...
I have always been a "pull the band aid off fast and get it over with" kinda gal!

The room looked so empty without her furniture.
But it has always been an empty room
without Amelia.

Despite our plans to time delivery of Sam's furniture
to follow the refinishing of the floors in the nursery,
we ended up bringing home his furniture (in part)
the day after Amelia's was moved out.
I have walked in that room at least a hundred times.
I keep thinking it will get easier.
and it has
in some ways.
But for us there will always be an empty room, empty highchair, car-seat...

I often worry that people think of Sam as a replacement
for Amelia.
As if somehow having him means we never lost Amelia.
Kinda' crazy I know, surely no one actually thinks that!!!
It think it's just the Momma bear in me. :)
Sometimes I feel like I should wear a shirt that reads -
CAUTION Healing Mommy heart inside.
or maybe more like this...

rather than the growing belly holding my precious rainbow baby
that signals 'Baby on Board' everything is OK now
Then maybe people could not so quickly forget
the sweet baby held in this very belly just last year.

¹⁴ Yet Jerusalemsays, “The Lord has deserted us;
the Lord has forgotten us.”

¹⁵ “Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
      Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
   But even if that were possible,
      I would not forget you!
¹⁶ See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
      Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.

Isaiah 49:14-18

(New Living Translation)

34 weeks - Isaiah 43:1-4

2011-03-30T09:02:00.003-05:00

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—

he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

² When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

³ For I am the LORD your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush and Seba in your stead.

⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you...

So many things changed

after we found out about Amelia's condition

for me this verse became a reality

not just some old text from the Bible

in which God speaks to an unfaithful Israel.

It is text written in love for me.

God breathed scripture

meant for me to discover

to unravel

to cherish.

These are more than words,

they are God's promise

to each of us.

Do not fear.

I will be with you.

I love you.

You are mine.

8 Months - We'll meet all 3

2011-03-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

I don't mention it often.
Hardly ever actually.
And when I mention my miscarriage,
I never mention there were 2.

We had almost "forgotten" ourselves
until I read "Heaven Is For Real"
last week and my dreams became filled
with visions of the children we never got to meet.
They were with us such a short, short time
but we loved them - and love them still.

I still remember
when we went in for our very first appointment
we were so excited that we would be getting an u/s right away.
We had no idea what to expect;
we just knew we were expecting
and we were over the moon with happiness!

At first our ob saw only one little embryo
that had no heartbeat.
I remember him struggling a bit and then
he found the second baby, heart beating beautifully.
You could see the relief in his eyes
as he turned the screen our way and described what we were seeing.
This happens sometimes he explained.
Without an early u/s you might have never known
there were 2 in the beginning.
It shouldn't effect your pregnancy.

We left grainy u/s print off in hand.
Proud first time parents.
It felt strange, but we just accepted it as
something that happens.
We proudly paraded the photo,
explaining to some...there were actually 2
but one didn't make it.
To others were just pointed out the "top" and "bottom"
of our precious little "bean"

And then at 13 weeks
we we crushed to discover
that our bean's heart had stopped beating.
We'll have you do a confirmation u/s just to be sure
our doctor had said
so off we went to have our fears confirmed.
As he rolled back and forth over our dead baby
we watched eyes fixed on the large "silent screen"
at one point I had to turn away my gaze.
It hurt to much.
We were scheduled for a D&C.
The next few days were so hard.
They were so very hard.

It was surreal.
It hurt.
I felt empty.
But God healed our hearts
and just over 6 months later we became pregnant with Noah.
We held our breath at every u/s
until we were well into the 2nd trimester.
because, after you make it through the 1st trimester
there is nothing to worry about right...
oh, how naive we were!
What I wouldn't give not to know what I know now.

I share this story today in joyful anticipation.
That's right I said JOYFUL ANTICIPATION.

anticipation of heaven and holding those sweet little souls
joy because I know that at this very moment they are in His presence.
There is nothing here on earth that trumps that.
They are safe and happy right where they are at.
And it won't be long until we are all together again.

So no, I 'm not angry.
No, I don't hate God.
No, I don't believe God has turned his back on me
or is teaching me a lesson out of anger or spite.
No, I don't want your pity
and I certainly do not want you to turn from God as a result of witnessing our losses.
That would break my heart into thousands of pieces in fact.
(that may be an entire additional post)

Yes, I get sad sometimes.
Yes, I miss Amelia and my babies
paticularly on milestone days like today
has it really been 8 months?!?! sigh
BUT
I believe we live in a fallen world.
I don't belong here any more than my children did.
Heaven is my home.

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 7:7-12

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

33 Weeks - more on heaven

2011-03-23T09:02:00.005-05:00

So that book really got me focused on heaven this past week...
so much so I might risk forgetting the blessing of being alive,
right here-right now! :)
In this life I feel so very blessed.
In my youth I recall something deep inside me always pushing for
more, more, more
Never settle
Never be satisfied

Looking back my mantra fit my goals
...the inner most desires of my heart.
Things have changed a bit in the past few years.
My mantra has changed - my heart has changed.
I no longer have the same goals.
I'd like to say the switch is
more cross sighted than my youth,
and it is, some days.

As I have mentioned several times before,
Amelia has changed several things about me,
how I see the world,
and how I want to exist in it.
But mostly, she has made me homesick.
I just can't wait for that day.
The question becomes,
what should I do with myself in the meantime.
Lucky for me, a 2.5 year old son, full time job,
church activities, a husband and a new little one on the way
are doing just fine at keeping me occupied. :)
Am I really this lucky?
I am still amazed at what God has entrusted me with.

While my heart seems in limbo
half bound here on earth
and half uplifted to the heavens,
I still have work to do right here in river city.
(sorry - just couldn't resist the obscure musical pun)
Seriously though,
I am still here.
and I have some seriously big baby booties to fill in my lifetime,
don't I!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
John 10:10

"Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life.

No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 14:6

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8

32 Weeks - Heaven is for REAL

2011-03-16T09:02:00.010-05:00

A few months ago my Mom came across this text to purchase for her Kindle. She was intrigued both by the content of the book and by the setting. This true story takes place in western Nebraska, (Imperial/North Platte etc.) Places that, growing up in Nebraska, are more than familiar to us.
They are home.

She told me about the book right away
and I immediately put it on reserve at the Omaha Public Library.
I guess it's a pretty popular book
because I am still waiting in line.

Yesterday I received somewhat of a random email
from a gal that I lived with for one summer while I was in college.
Kind of a friend of a friend kinda thing...
We did not become close friends that summer. Not in the least.
It was a strange summer in more ways than one,
but that is a story for another day.

Anyway, she had emailed me shortly after Amelia's diagnosis
to say that God had put it on her heart to offer up her husbands photography services to us.
By this time God had already lined up a photographer for Amelia's birthday.
Now I think He might have had something else in mind
when he opened her heart to reach out to me...

She emailed me again yesterday.
She didn't know it was the one year anniversary of D-Day
but she had come across a link to a story about a little boy who had been to heaven, she saw my name in her address book and decided to send it my way. She sent the link to 7 people including me.
I don't know any of the other six,
but I hope they were as blessed by it as I was.

You see, when Colton goes to heaven
he has the chance to meet many people.
One of those people is his sister.
She had died as a result of miscarriage at just 2 months gestation.
Colton knew nothing about her
until he found him self smothered in hugs from her in heaven.

I know Amelia is in heaven. I do.
I know the babies we lost are in heaven.
But sometimes it just feels good to hear it.
He knows the world weighs us down.
Sin and Satan tempt us with fear and doubt.
He knows.
He also knows just when we need a little wink
and he always answers our prayers.
Yesterday, this boy's story was the answer to mine.

When my husband walked in the door last night
he had in his hands, this book.
;)
We don't really exchange gifts.
(Not even at Christmas.)
So it is no exaggeration to say this gift was special.

Yesterday was a tough, tough day.
I miss my babies more and more each day
and long to be with them and Him more than I can say.

Yup, Heaven IS for REAL folks,
and you are definitely gonna' like it.

D-Day...

2011-03-15T11:02:00.004-05:00

..Diagnosis Day
March 15th, 2010.
A day that will be burned into my memory forever.
The day we were told our daughter would not live.
Can it really be 1 year since we found out about our sweet Amelia's anencephaly?

So far this morning
the entire day has played in my head more than 10 times.
I have hummed the tune of "I Will Carry You"
at least 10 times more.
Honestly, I've tried to forget this day,
but it remains interlaced with joys
I treasure.
The day we saw her via u/s for the first time.
A first glimpse of each little rib- her perfect feet...
The first time we saw her suck her thumb
The day we were told, it's a girl.
The day we named her.
The day we knew we could not keep her.
It was not the day I had hoped it would be.

Part of me wishes I could just stream my memories onto this blank computer screen
and let you see for yourself the music video like memory I hold of the day.
There was a tragic, poetic beauty to the day
that I just cannot put into words yet.
Looking back I can see God's hand in it all.
I can see His arms wrapped around us as we waited to see the head of Maternal Fetal Medicine.
I can see Him carrying us out the doors of the hospital in a fog.
He was always there.

Is it strange that I "experience the day" more in my memory
than I was able to as the events unfolded in real time.
In the moment I was so detached and confused,
but the memory remains so real and the emptiness so painfully tangible.
She's gone.
It doesn't get any more real.

And still,
my heart overflows at the joy of being her mother.
God gave us you, Amelia.
God gave us you.

Until we meet again...

I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says...

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

31 Weeks - the last speech

2011-03-09T09:02:00.000-06:00

Thank you all so much for your prayers regarding our ultrasound this Monday as well as my speaking for the staff at Nebraska Organ Recovery (NOR). You already know about the results of the u/s.

As for the speech, It went fine.
I had two surprises at NOR
The first was sad news that our coordinator Todd was no longer with the organization. I was kind of looking forward to seeing him. The second was a women, whose name I did not catch, who commented near the close of my time with the group that she had read my article.

At first I thought she was referring to the blog. But then she shared that she was in Glenwood caring for a hospice patient at the time the article written in The Opinion-Tribune (Glenwood, IA) was published. She recalled she had read our story and sobbed.
Small world.

I had typed up an outline of what I wanted to say in case I found myself too emotional to focus or at a lack of words. I was a bit more emotional than I have been in previous talks about Amelia (thanks to pregnancy hormones and a sweet heart recipient who spoke just before I did) but the words came and I never even opened up the folded speech in front of me. I was far from eloquent or verbose, but I was honest and open about our journey with our daughter. I pray that they walked away with a bit more than what they came to the table with that day. I pray that they left with a little bit of Amelia tucked in close to their hearts.

This was the last of my scheduled speeches about Amelia Grace.
I do feel a sense of relief,
but also a bit of sadness.
I love talking about her, telling her story
and having others recognize me as her mother.
It is such a gift to be "Amelia's Mommy."
God is so good...

Samuel Vern

2011-03-07T19:18:00.000-06:00

It has been a whirlwind of days, weeks and months
leading up to what I am going to share with you today.

It is the story, from the very beginning, of our son Samuel Vern.
Those of you who have followed our family over the past year,
already know the story our sweet Amelia Grace
who went home to heaven July 28, 2010.

On our journey with and without Amelia
we have been blessed to gain new friendships
forged by a common bond
each of us wishes desperately that we did not share;
that bond is the loss of a child.
All of these women/men mean so much to me!
There is one women and child/ren in particular
who have a special place beside us on our journey.

For whatever reasons God had in mind,
He chose for us to find each other.
Jennifer and her husband/family lost their little Eli in 2010.
They too received a terminal diagnosis and chose to carry their son.
Jennifer blogs in honor of her son, which is how we first connected.

From the beginning I felt a strong connection to Jennifer and her son Eli.
Every time I saw or wrote Amelia's name (or my own) I would think of them
as the name Eli is inside the names amELIa and mELIssa.
Silly little connections like these kept popping up,
drawing me closer to this very special mother and son.
Definitely Godwinks my friends!

This past November Jennifer shared with me
the joyous news that they were expecting again.
She emailed me with a very special request.
She wanted to know if we would mind
if they named their daughter Amelia.
We of course had no problem with that,
and were flattered that she would extend such
an extreme courtesy in asking our blessing!
Jennifer's Amelia and Eli will (in part) share a name.
The two also share a due date just one year apart. sigh
(sound familiar anyone?!?!)

Wondering what all of this has to do with our little Samuel?
(oh and yes btw, IT'S A BOY!)
Allow me to explain...

It all started on the week of my birthday (Nov 9). I was in the shower and I started thinking/praying about Jennifer, Eli, our Amelia's. Out of left field it occurs to me - If I were to be pregnant right now (we have a habit of conceiving around my birthday..) that baby would have aprox. the same due date as Amelia Grace (1 year later) just like Jennifer's Amelia and Eli share a due date! Hmmm, I think, maybe we should name our baby Eli- wouldn't that be nice...and then all of a sudden (I swear I am not a crazy women-please believe me!) a firm voice in my head says, "no, his name is Samuel Vern." Ok, I think...that was random! I go about my day (no big deal right?!?!)

Then the following week I am devoting some thought to prayer and I am brought to a verse in 1 Samuel
As I begin to read the text I immediately notice the name Eli and then Samuel. Maybe you are familiar with the story of Hannah? ("For this child, I prayed.") Hannah wanted to have a baby really bad - so badly in fact, that while praying (to conceive a child) in the temple she was mistakenly thought to be drunk by the priest Eli...

¹⁷ Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

¹⁸ She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

¹⁹ Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. ²⁰ So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.”

1 Samuel 1:17-20

As it turns out I was indeed pregnant
with a son.
A son conceived in the days surrounding my birthday
and the previously mentioned 'shower incident.'
A son due on August 4, 2011, precisely one year,
from the day we buried our sweet Amelia Grace.
Amelia's due date was August 2, 2010.
Call me insane, call me what you will,
but if you cannot see God's hand in all of this craziness
I just don't know what to say to you but
GODWINK!!

Still not sold on these Godwinks just yet?
No worries, there is more to tell!!!!
In January, in the midst of all these winks
about the name/gender of our little baby,
I received an email from The Baby Center.

The email detailed the top 100 baby names in 2010.
Of course I quickly scanned the list
to find out where Noah and Amelia's name's ranked.
I found Noah's name first. (#6)

Then I got to Amelia's.(#44)
I just happened to glance over to the
corresponding popular boys name and well...see for yourself.
G-O-D-W-I-N-K.

(click on image to enlarge)

All of this being said,
we feel it would be ridiculous
to attempt to name our son anything other than
the name that was given to him at the time he was conceived,
Samuel Vern.

It is a very special name to us for several reasons (see above) :)
Samuel means "asked of God."
It could not be more perfect.
I cannot tell you how I prayed
for this pregnancy, this child,
before and each day since
we saw a plus sign on Thanksgiving Day.

His middle name, Vern,
is my Grandpa Raabe's first name,
and my father's middle name.
Noah's middle name is Rodney, Tim's father's name,
so it is fitting that our precious Samuel,
carry the name of my father & grandfather.

May God continue to bless and protect this very special gift,
our son,
Samuel Vern Lorang.

So without further adieu,
I am pleased to share with you
a picture of our dear son Sam.

30 Weeks - big things

2011-03-02T09:02:00.013-06:00

This week we passed yet another milestone.
7 Months since we held our daughter in our arms.
7 Months since we said hello and good bye.
7 Months since I heard her sweet little baby voice.
Words elude me once again.
Our grief is still so heavy,
in moments it seems that maybe the sting has lessened
I almost think to myself, was it just a dream?
But then reality finds me.
I can just be standing in our bathroom
and I find my eyes burning with tears
stomach knotted tight
and my lips mouthing,
"oh God Tim, our baby..."
and I am back right where I began
broken
at the foot of the cross
crying out for mercy, forgiveness and healing.

We have some big things around the corner.
I am hoping you will pray for us as we prepare for the 2nd ultrasound in our nuchal translucency screening.
The ultrasound is this coming Monday, March 7th.
Pray for peace for us as we count down the days in anticipation.
That our Lord calm our troubled hearts as we battle our fears and place our trust and hope in the one who has our names inscribed in His hands. Grant our medical providers the skill and compassion needed for all those in their care. And please pray that no matter the outcome of this ultrasound and testing, that our Lord be glorified in every heartbeat, every tear and every whispered prayer.

I plan on taking the day off work that day.
I have been asked to address the staff of Nebraska Organ Recovery in Omaha about Anenecephaly, our experience with organ donation and carrying our sweet Amelia.
I will speak to them at 9:30am.
Will you pray for that speaking engagement as well?
Pray that my words and our story will open doors, minds and hearts of their staff, some of whom may have never heard of this condition. And again please pray that God be given the glory with every heartbeat, every tear and every whispered prayer.

My prayer remains the same,
the words are simple and I often just repeat them over and over again, "Use me Lord, use me."

7 Months - a new pinwheel

2011-02-28T23:00:00.000-06:00

(click on the image to enlarge)

29 weeks - Godwinks

2011-02-23T09:02:00.011-06:00

Today I want to share with you a new word I learned this week
via a fellow baby loss blogger, Holly's site.
The word is
Godwink.
Rather than attempt to describe this idea myself
I have included the definition as told by author SQuire Rushnell.

"WHAT'S A GODWINK?(Answered by SQuire Rushnell)
A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"
What do godwinks mean? Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew. It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone.""

"WHAT ARE "GODWINK LINKS."
We've all had the experience of an unexpected phone call from someone we were just thinking about, but hadn't thought about in years. Or...we've run into someone on the street who completely changed the direction of our life. We often say, "Wow...what a godwink." Yet we rarely ask, "What caused that person to call me at that moment?" or, "What caused that person to be at the same place I was, at just the right time?""

Before I go any further on this topic I have to say.
I have not read any of SQuire's books. (I have heard they are good)
I don't know if I will ever read them.
I might not agree with anything he says in his books.
But I will tell you what he has given me this week.
He has given me a word to describe the moments
when I have clearly felt God's presence or reassurance
that Amelia is safe in His arms
in little things like,
Butterflies
Perfectly timed gifts
Coincidence in Am(ELI)a's name
Strangely worn jewelry
Offers to photograph our daughters birthday
A kind email
There are truly to many to list.

Well, I have to tell you
I had a little Godwink this week.
For those of you that know me well
it will come as no surprise that at 17 weeks pregnant
I have already begun planning this child's baptism day.
This week in particular,
I began the hunt for the perfect baptism cake.
Noah's baptism cake was a bit of a disaster
so my hope is that this cake will be
well, better to say the least.

Me and good ol' Google began the hunt
in a search for "baptism cakes"
I probably looked at images of over 200+ cakes.
As I searched, a seemingly out of place cake
popped up on to my screen.
It was a gorgeous 2 tier fondant cake
covered in white daisies.
I immediately thought of a new baby loss momma
friend of mine named Stacy.
Her daughter Rachel
sits at the feet of Jesus at this very moment
with our little Amelia. sigh
Daisies are to Stacy
as butterflies are to us,
reminders of our sweet baby girls.

The minute I saw it I felt compelled to send it to her
and let her know I was thinking of her and Rachel.
I clicked on the image to take a closer look
and saw something I hadn't noticed at first.
A top the cake rested a single white butterfly.
"Awww," I thought to myself, "miss you sweet girl."
I emailed her the photo
and continued my search.
I was just about to wrap up when I noticed another cake...
could it be another daisy cake amidst the crosses and doves?!?!?
It was indeed a daisy cake.
You'll never guess what I saw at the very top...
a small pink butterfly.
sigh

yup, I'm lovin' the Godwinks.

28 Weeks - a messy gift

2011-02-16T09:02:00.007-06:00

I have been challenged lately with the experience of being pregnant while grieving the loss of Amelia.
The journey for us remains an arduous one.
Particularly now that we are pregnant.
I struggle daily with a delicate balance of
Hope and Joy in this new life growing in me
and heartache at the absence of Amelia in our lives.

I often feel at a loss
in a struggle to enjoy this pregnancy.
I feel a level of guilt that I am not happier or fearless about this child.

Last night, or this morning rather (1am)
I awoke and realized something.
It's OK with me that I am not meeting the expectation
of an excited and beaming mother to be.
I don't need my emotions to be perfectly collected and boxed with a satin bow on top.
This pregnancy doesn't need to be just like my previous 3.
I am different.
This pregnancy is different
(and would have been even if Amelia was still here!!)

It is what it is
and in any form
with any mixture of emotions
it remains
a gift.
No matter how poor the packaging.
It is a gift I welcome a new every morning
with every "annoying" pregnancy symptom
and every motherly twinge of fear or worry.
I welcome it all,
if it means I get to claim the title of mother
just one more time.

The reality is I am no longer just an expectant mother.
I am a grieving and expectant mother.
Yeah, it's a bit complicated,
but that's OK with me.

27 Weeks - Love

2011-02-09T09:02:00.002-06:00

Today I find myself at a bit of a loss for words...

With Valentine's Day just around the corner I had intended this post to be all about LOVE.
The problem is I have no clue how to describe love with any words that come close to an accurate description of the loves of my life...
my Love for Amelia
my Love for the Lord
my Love for my Husband
my Love for Noah...
I suppose this lack of "the right words"
is why we often borrow them at this time of year
with a famous poem or the perfectly written greeting card.
Or maybe some things just can't be expressed in words...

26 Weeks - shame on me...

2011-02-02T09:02:00.001-06:00

The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Some cultures believe that a rainbow is a bridge between heaven and earth and of course you are familiar with the pots of gold found at the end!!!

For our family, the term rainbow baby acts as a reminder from our Lord of His covenant with us in the book of Genesis. God kept His promise to Noah and to us. As we journeyed with Amelia and as we have journeyed without her, rainbows have taken special meaning...you might recall this from a blog entry in the weeks following Amelia's death.

"Yesterday as we traveled, the sky was dark as we enjoyed (yet another) rainy day. The rain will forever remind me of our little Amelia, as the months that I carried her were filled with rain, flooding and more rain. In a previous blog entry, I reflected on God's promise "that it will not rain forever." Yesterday, God renewed that promise with our family. As we drove, we were blessed with not one, but two rainbows. I know, I know, a rainbow is common place, and far from a miracle. And still, Tim and I could not recall the last time we had seen one. We marveled over the colors, thought of our little girl, and the promises God has already fulfilled in our lives and the lives of "strangers" through her brief life."

It was hard to play my little game on that particular road trip. :(

We did however come up with our current girl name

(if we are blessed with another daughter) on that drive.

The name was inspired by...you guessed it...RAINBOWS.

The name we like is Violet.

It also happens to be Tim's grandmother's name

adding even more "specialness" ;)

So we'll just have to wait and see

what our Lord has in mind for this baby.

I have resolved myself to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

Similar to how we walked our pregnancy with Amelia.

Today I am pregnant.

Today I will rejoice.

Tomorrow I will wake up and I pray I can say again.

Today I am pregnant.

Today I will rejoice.

Rejoicing in each day
as it comes; that's the plan.

Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the flood waters destroy all life. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth.” Then God said to Noah, “Yes, this rainbow is the sign of the covenant I am confirming with all the creatures on earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17

the good, the bad, and the ugly

2011-01-31T12:04:00.001-06:00

When I opened my in-box this morning I received a notification that someone had posted a new comment on the recent "6 Month Missing Amelia" post. It was the kind of comment that no blogging baby loss mommy appreciates.

Anonymous posted:
"As I read all these posts I feel sad. Sad that Amelia is not with you, but sad more for Noah, because he is still with you and seems like you are dwelling on losing her when hey Noah is still with you! "

The very first thing I did was delete the comment.
Second, I considered whether I should respond.
Since the commenter chose to post anonymously,
I was unable to do so privately.

I feel that part of my purpose in blogging
is as a voice for the baby loss community.
For that reason I decided a response was warranted.

First and foremost I would like to say
this comment breaks my heart.
It is hurtful and judgmental
and is not in ANY way loving or constructive.
That's enough about that.

Second, I'm am so very grateful
to be surrounded by such an amazing and supportive
group of friends and family
particularly within the baby loss community.
I am so grateful for you.
I'm grateful that you all have shared your walk with me,
and allowed me to share mine with you.
Grateful that you have not been silenced
by your fears or your grief...
others have heard your story and have been encouraged by it.
I have been encouraged by it.
You are an amazing community of mothers and fathers.
God's grace and mercy shines through you and your children.

²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

6 Months Missing Amelia

2011-01-28T11:06:00.067-06:00

Sweet Amelia,

With every month that passes since you left us

I find myself bewildered all over again.

Has it really been 6 months since I held you?

For me time has slowed, the world goes on,

but I can still close my eyes

and put myself right back into that hospital room with you;

hearing your voice, kissing your cheeks.

Almost daily, I toggle between wishing that you know just how very much your daddy, brother and I miss you, and wishing...hoping that you don't know how much it hurts us that you are not here.

Knowing you are safe and happy with Jesus is such a comfort,

but it still so hard to go on without you.

Today I am finally getting around to mailing in the fingerprint impression we made on your birthday. I have been scared to mail it in until now for fear that something would happen to it in the mail or while being made into a charm, and it would be lost forever. I couldn't bear the idea of losing another piece of you...

But today, on your 1/2 birthday, I'm going to be strong enough.

I'm going to let go, and pray

this charm finds its way back to me safely.

It seems ages until I will see you again.

Oh, how I miss you sweet baby...

oh, how Mommy misses you.

I am so blessed to be your mommy.

If there is any goodness or strength in me

it is from Him, and through you.

You are the very best of me.

Sending you butterfly kisses and all of my love,

Mommy

Priceless Prints

Click this image to enlarge

A Song for Amelia
Please pause player below to listen to
"Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle

Although this song may seem more of a lamentation,

when I hear the words of this song I find a much different message
and I see her heavenly face.

-Melissa

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

25 Weeks - Remembering Amelia

2011-01-26T09:02:00.008-06:00

click this image to enlarge

Sunday I had the honor of speaking
as the parent reflection at a memorial service
honoring babies lost at Alegent Hospitals in Omaha
from July through December of this last year.
It was another opportunity to speak our daughters name out loud
It is such a blessing to share her story with others.
Such a blessing to speak her name, and to let her legacy live on.

It was a lovely ceremony,
including a candle lighting and reading of the infants names.
Each mother was given a single white rose.
It felt good to stand before those parents
and affirm the value of their child's life.

They were here,
even if for only a moment.
They mattered.
They lived.
They are remembered.
They are loved.
They are worth EVERY tear.

When I got home I placed the rose and candle
in a small cubby in our dining room where I have
a remembrance candle and cherub baby
that were gifts to us following Amelia's death.

I have spent some time worrying over how and where to create
a special place in our house to display Amelia's things.
But truth is, she is everywhere in our home,
she is in every room we are in.
Her absence is felt in every space.

She was here.
She mattered.
She lived.
She is remembered.
She is loved.
She is worth EVERY tear.

Psalm 42:1-5
¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.
⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

12 Weeks - Amelia's baby brother or sister

2011-01-24T20:12:00.001-06:00

There s/he is-looking right at you!!

I know, it's not the most obvious of pictures

but it is indeed a picture of our

healthy baby.

God is good all the time.

Thank you so much for your prayers

and please keep them coming,

we still have a long road ahead of us.

But today was the first step

and I am very happy to say

NO anencephaly.

Prayer Request

2011-01-21T11:06:00.014-06:00

Ever since we found out we were pregnant again, we have been anticipating our 12 week diagnostic ultrasound (u/s) with the head of Maternal Fetal Medicine at Bergan Mercy Hospital in Omaha. The day is finally (almost) here this coming Monday. The u/s will happen at the same hospital, office, doctor and possibly room where we learned of Amelia's Anencephaly.
The same hospital she was born and died in.
We have not been back to the hospital since her birth.
I have prayed that God's peace will find us on this day and give me the strength to get though those doors without completely falling to pieces.
I believe God has answered my prayer and "opened the door."

I really needed a good reason to walk through those doors again.
It may sound silly but I needed to walk through those doors for Amelia...
and God has given me that chance.
We will indeed have the chance to walk through those doors
this Sunday (just 1 day before our u/s)
for an infant loss remembrance service
that I have been asked to speak at.
God's timing is always perfect!
The last time I walked into that hospital she was safe in my belly.
This time she will be safe in the arms of Jesus and foremost on my heart. sigh

Sunday, I will walk through those doors again, in her honor, focusing only on her and Him.
Monday, I will do it again for her baby brother or sister.
I am so blessed!

One of the things I came to understand more fully
on this journey with our little Amelia is that
Prayer is so powerful!

That being said,
If you wouldn't mind...
Could you please say a prayer for the families I will speak to on Sunday and that the Holy Spirit will give me the words they need to hear?
Will you pray for the outcome of this u/s for our new little baby? That whatever the outcome, this new life be used for His glory! And, if it is His will, that this baby (and mommy) be brought through this pregnancy healthy and safe.
We would so appreciate every single prayer.

¹⁷ But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth.

2 Timothy 4:17

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?

¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Matthew 7:7-11

24 Weeks - Taking down the tree - Someday

2011-01-19T09:02:00.005-06:00

I have been waiting to take down our tree.
Waiting for the last of Amelia's ornaments to arrive.
Yesterday, posted from the U.K.,
the last ornament arrived.
Each ornament shown above has a very special story,
and each of them has touched my heart this season.

The butterfly at the top left is one of 3 butterfly ornaments given to us
by my Aunt Jean & Uncle Dale.
With the ornaments was a poem that explained,
the gift of three butterflies...even in the winter.
Some of you may recall a previous post where I explained how
butterflies remind us of our little Amelia
and hoped that God would send us butterflies- even in the winter.

The top right is a gift from Lorrie, Ella's Aunt.
Ella is a very special baby, who like our sweet Amelia,
at this very moment sits at Jesus feet. sigh
The kids don't have personalized stockings yet,
so this year we used this ornament to id Amelia's stocking
and one of Noah's ornaments to id his.
It was perfect.

The middle left was described in a previous post
and was given to us the day of Amelia's funeral.
It is a locket
engraved on the inside
Amelia Grace

The middle right is a gift from a blogging Mama
from the UK who lost her precious daughter
Florence Violet in July 2009.
She blogs at http://lazyseamstress.blogspot.com/
and describes her blog as "a rather odd mix of sewing and grief."
I always enjoy reading her posts.

The bottom seashell ornament is a gift from my choir buddy
and sweet friend, Lois.
I mentioned in a previous post that Christmas Eve
was a particularly difficult church service for me.
This ornament was given to me that night
just after the service ended
(along with a special gift for Noah I might add!)
I don't think I have ever seen something so beautiful.
Tim and I opened it when I came home from church
by the light of our Christmas tree.
It was one of my favorite Christmas memories this year.
It reads:
Every Life Leaves Something Beautiful Behind

I'm leaving the tree up a bit longer,
but not too much longer!!
But, I'm just not quite ready yet.
As for the ornaments,
I can't promise you they will be boxed up with the others.
They are just to pretty to hide away till next year...

Amelia Grace Lorang

2011-01-14T10:59:00.000-06:00

Thank you to Melissa Lane at The Wishing Tree for including our little Amelia on her tree!!!

The Wishing Tree: Amelia Grace Lorang:

Check out all the babies on her tree by clicking here!

23 Weeks - Guilty

2011-01-12T09:02:00.028-06:00

“And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and supplication. They will look on me, the one they have pierced, and they will mourn for him as one mourns for an only child, and grieve bitterly for him as one grieves for a firstborn son.

Zechariah 12:10

Stumbled on the above verse this morning and it really moved me today so I thought I would share the verse.

These past few weeks I have been weighed down by a fairly new battle for me. It's complicated, as are all of the emotional processes since Amelia, but I think it is important that I give this emotion a label rather than just bundling it into my daily struggles with "grief."

Today I am battling guilt.

I mentioned it was complicated, though I am saddened to know that for many of you reading this, I will not have to explain myself any further.

You know all to well, what I mean when I say I feel guilt.

I feel guilt that I am pregnant

while others around me struggle to conceive.

I feel guilt that Amelia's place in my womb is now occupied by another baby.

I feel guilt that my body failed my sweet Amelia; that I failed her.

I felt guilt at the reality that I may fail this child in the same way.

I feel guilt that am am not overwhelmed with joy at this pregnancy.

I feel guilt that babies are still hard for me.

I feel guilt that this child should have been scheduled to enter the world on July 28th...but we just can't.

I feel guilt at the thought that readying for another baby will correspond with Amelia's first birthday.

I feel guilt that we have decided not to have a birthday party to remember her and to celebrate her life.

I feel guilt that "Amelia's room" will eventually have to be turned into a nursery

for her brother or sister.

I feel guilt each time I shut the door to her room.

I feel guilt that we were unable to decide on a marker before the first frost.

I feel guilt in accepting I might be in the hospital on Amelia's 1st birthday.

I feel guilt that I desperately want to have another girl.

I feel guilt each time someone offers a congratulations...

I feel guilt if I am too happy.

I feel guilt if I am too sad.

The guilt itself isn't complicated.

It's wading through it day after day.

I just have to set it aside.

Acknowledge it's there, and it's real,

and then just set it aside.

But like most things,

if you don't face them,

they find you.

My hope, I suppose, is that by acknowledging this guilt here;

I will tackle step one in conquering it.

I'm giving to you Jesus,

all of it.

Because to be honest, it's just to darn heavy to carry.

Having troubles holding it together?

2011-01-07T11:06:00.002-06:00

Take it to Jesus friends...

Don't forget to pause Amelia's playlist before viewing this!

22 Weeks - thoughts on the future of this blog...

2011-01-05T09:02:00.004-06:00

I have wrestled a bit over the past 5 months with one question...
How long should I blog here?

Initially I decided that I would blog
for as long as I felt it served a purpose,
then later I decided I needed a more finite goal.
I would blog about our journey with Amelia, each Wednesday,
until what would have been her 1st earthly birthday,
July 28, 2011.

That is kind of where I am at now.
In thinking about how long I should continue to blog here,
it got me thinking about the reasons I blog.
Why do I do it?
Who is the blog really for?
Should I talk about the new baby growing inside of me here?
Should I share updates about Noah here?
Should I delve into my grief here without sensor?
Is this my personal journal
or Amelia's journey?

It isn't as easy as you might think to sort it all out.
When I started the blog it was a way to update our family on the day to day changes with my pregnancy with Amelia and as a way to share our little girl's brief life with a family she would never know on this side of heaven.

In the weeks that followed the blog reached so many more people than I ever dreamed would be touched by our story and our Amelia. The blog took on a new voice and became a testimony of our Lord's hand in all things. It became my daily devotional, recording the ways God was leading us down the dark and twisty path laid out before our family. The blog is Amelia's story, her legacy.

The blog also became a lifeline for me as it connected me with so many amazing baby loss families experiencing a loss similar to ours. These women have walked along side me, offering encouragement, solidarity, prayer and love. I have not, and likely will never, meet any of these women (and men) but they are continuously in my heart, mind and prayers. I like to think Amelia's blog has served as a lifeline for parents who received a similar or terminal diagnosis in the weeks and months following March 15, 2010. I prayed that parents receiving the diagnosis "Anencephaly" would in their hunt for more information, Google to find our story, rather than the horrors and negativity we initially found online. I prayed that these parents would find us and be encouraged, strengthened and supported as we were when we discovered this amazing community of Christian Baby Loss Moms & Dads.

Believe it or not, this blog has pushed my own personal boundaries of what I keep buried deep inside myself and what I allow the world to see. Though in so many ways I am a very "public" person - when it comes to my grief I would much prefer to keep it all hidden. I HATE crying in front of people. I don't even like to appear sad in front of people. My entire life I have worn the mask of a smile and it has been my shield. I believe daily, hourly even, we are given a choice of how we will react to things. I prefer Joy to all other expression. Who wouldn't really? Who doesn't love to be happy?!? The loss of my daughter is the first time in my life where I am so overcome with sadness that it truly is an effort to be joyful at times.

The blog has been a "safe" place to share the sadness I carry (as well as the Joy) that I do not feel comfortable exposing in person. I feel there is a great value to sharing the emotional struggles grief has forced upon me with other women who are facing similar battles. In our honesty, we can support and love each other, we don't have to remain silenced or isolated by our sorrow. Sometimes I do feel compelled to sensor what I share here knowing that there are people I see daily that cannot understand this grief and it's ugliness. Sometimes that makes me sad because I feel I am choosing to protect myself and those in my "real life" rather than offering solidarity and openness to those in my "virtual life."

Occasionally I am thrown a loop at the consequences of sharing our journey, my grief and our daughters legacy in such a public format. Sometimes I fear I have hurt people's feelings. Occasionally peoples comments hurt. Sometimes it opens the door to criticism of how I share and muddle through life with and without Amelia. I have been tempted to stop blogging, to draw the curtains and keep people out rather than welcoming them in and letting them see God at work in all parts of our lives. It is very scary to reveal your failures as a mother, wife, friend and as a Christian. Particularly scary when you reveal it to strangers you cannot see peaking into your life from the other side of a computer monitor!

But I feel strongly that I should not limit where God chooses to take our daughter's story no matter how that challenges me personally. And so I blog, and I pray, and I pray some more.

I still feel this blog has purpose in reaching other parents having just received a terminal diagnosis or going through the days, weeks, months and years that follow.

I pray that God continue to use me, my family and my daughter to reach people with his saving love and grace.

With all of the above in mind,
I have decided to stick with my original goal to blog here until Amelia's first birthday.
Wednesday will always be her day, whether I blog or not.
I have left the door open beyond that date and will continue to pray for guidance in the direction of Amelia's blog.

I do intend to blog about Amelia's baby brother/sister here on her blog. I feel that this pregnancy, a pregnancy following a loss, has a purpose in sharing God's grace, timing and perfect plan for each of our lives. This child is a part of Amelia and her legacy and in that way alone, has a right to be shared joyfully here on her blog; this journal of LIFE.

I ask for your prayers as I continue this journey of blogging in honor of our sweet girl. I will in turn be saying prayers for you. Prayers that God use our story to bring you closer to him.

On that note, if you would be so kind...
I ask that you share with us if and how our Amelia Grace has impacted your life. I will never tire of hearing the ways in which our Lord has used our little girl to touch you. You can comment on the blog or email me directly if you'd prefer at lislorang@hotmail.com

"These things I have spoken to you,

that in Me you may have peace.

In the world you have tribulation,

but take courage; I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Be anxious for nothing,

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God,

which surpasses all comprehension,

shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Peace, Love & Joy in 2011

2011-01-03T18:56:00.130-06:00

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:

love, joy, peace,

patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23

This verse has quickly become one of my new favs!
Other than the fact that it is, and always has been, fabulous;
I have recently found new personal meaning
for this little bit of The Bible.

This past month, I was talking with Tim's mom
about this new pregnancy.
In that conversation,
she shared with me that when she thinks of this child
the word PEACE always comes to mind.
From the moment she knew we were pregnant with this child
she has had the word PEACE surface
over and over again in her thoughts.
This child will bring PEACE to our family.

She shared that in our pregnancy with Noah
she had similar occurrences
but with Noah, the word was always
JOY.
That he would bring JOY to our family.
Since his birth he has done nothing but.

Sadly, while I was pregnant with Amelia,
no word surfaced for her.
I however, did continuously have one word
surface; and that word was
LOVE.
From the moment we knew we were pregnant again
we loved her.
She taught us a deeper understanding of love,
taught us so many things...sigh
She challenged us to express our love
to a child in utero,
a child that couldn't see, hear or feel as we do,
and eventually as a child in heaven.
Anyone recall the PRO love blog? :)
I could go on, and on...
Amelia is LOVE.

I am so blessed.
As I reflect back on 2010
there is indeed an overwhelming amount of sorrow.
In some ways I am glad to
"put this year behind us" sorta speak.
But I am also deeply sad to see it pass,
as the turning of the year takes us
one more day further away
from Amelia's time here on earth.
also one more day closer to seeing her again!

It is through tear filled eyes
I gaze back on 2010
and remember a LOVE
like I have never known.
And still, the fruits of the spirit are so evident.
LOVE Amelia, JOY Noah & PEACE baby
were all given to us by our Lord in 2010.

Knowing all this,
you might feel a bit of a smile
creep onto your face when I tell you this next part...
Yesterday night Tim, Noah and I ran out to pick up groceries
we passed a local catholic church
whose lawn sign was illuminated
in the early hours of the winter evening.

It read:
Peace and Joy
in 2011

It made me smile.
It made me wince.
It stung a little knowing
the one word they were missing.
But then again, in 2011
we are missing her too...

21 Weeks - still perfect

2010-12-29T09:02:00.014-06:00

I knew it would be a different Christmas.
Our first Christmas without Amelia. sigh
Maybe it was a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy,
but it was indeed a very difficult Christmas.

Christmas Eve Tim and Noah were both very sick.
Puking, diarrhea. Let's just say it was a messy morning.
Determined to spend the holiday per our Lorang family tradition - we headed out to Tim's parents for soup, presents, cookies & Christmas Eve service at Mount Olive as a family. Sadly, Tim and Noah did not make it to church. As for me, the entire day was an emotional roller coaster. Between the morning sickness(why do they call it that when it lasts all day long?!?!), attempting to play nurse to Noah and Tim (sorry guys, I tried), and just plain getting through the day without Amelia, I found myself completely drained by 6:00pm.

All day long I felt as if I was watching myself carry out my day, my heart and mind separate from my body. I'm not quite sure how to explain that....

When Tim told me he was going to take Noah home and not go to church, I felt my gut twist up into the tightest knot. Selfishly, I was terrified of spending this service without them. Can you imagine being terrified to worship? on Christmas?!? Truth is I was counting on them. If I felt sad I was gona' squeeze Tim's hand. If I started to feel self pity I could look at Noah be reminded of the ways our Lord has blessed us through our children. How was I going to make it through this night without them?!?!

It was supposed to be Tim, me, Noah and our new baby girl squished into "our pew" between all of Tim's family.But it was just me in the pew with Tim's sister, brother in law and their two grown children.

I was terrified.

There I was, "alone" on Christmas Eve-

For the first time, in a long time, I felt like a stranger in my own church. Like some sort of misfit. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was best that I did not have Tim or Noah to lean on. Maybe it was best I didn't have my daddy's shoulder beside me in the pew to lean on. God plan was for me to come to church on Christmas Eve just as I was;
Broken and Alone.

It was a hard service.
Tears flowed and I found myself unable to sing the text or even hum the tune as the congregation sang "Away In A Manger."

To be honest, I hardly heard the message.
I could blame precious children's chatter in the pews around me,
but it would be misplaced.
I simply lacked focus.
I was focused inwardly,
distracted by self pity and heartbreak.
Grief is ugly.
Some days it just finds me
and I feel so powerless against it
I HATE it.

There was no magic moment or point in time during or after the service that my heart suddenly softened
or the tears threatening the edges of my eyes dissipated.

But it still happened, Christmas still came.
God's grace still found me, my heart still heard his voice.
Christmas was still perfect.
Christ is still perfect.

God is so good...

20 Weeks - Baby's First Christmas

2010-12-22T11:06:00.005-06:00

We never lose the one we love, they live on in our hearts.

This ornament was a gift from my dad's sister (and husband) Ellen.
They gave it to us as a memorial gift the day of Amelia's funeral.
We loved it then.
We love it now.
We'll love it always.

I can't believe it's Christmas - already.
I can't believe she's not going to be here...
there are no words.

Christmas in Heaven

by Wanda White

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES

around the world below with tiny lights like

HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear

for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS

that people hold so dear

but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare

with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring

for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME,

I see the pain inside your heart

for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR

or the PEACE here in this place

Can you just imagine

CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT

as I tell him of your love

so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER

as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL

and let your SPIRIT SING

for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

and I’m walking WITH THE KING

19 Weeks - more heartache

2010-12-15T09:02:00.002-06:00

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

Psalm 130:5

Carry each other’s burdens,

and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2

So far this week has been filled with a lot of heart ache and waiting on the Lord.
The heart ache has not been my own
but heartbreak for some very special baby loss families
who are losing their little rainbow babies.
These families both lost their precious son & daughter
to anencephaly this past year.
We walked through the darkness side by side (and still do)
as we faced carrying our precious babies to term
knowing full well that they were never ours to keep,
but God's precious gifts to us
to care for for just a short while...
We all found out we were expecting again
within days of each other.
I was so moved at God's grace at work in each of us.

It is tempting to lose hope
and gain bitterness at a God who would allow such heartache
to continue
and to multiply.
I am tempted to cry out It's just not fair!!
I am tempted to question God,
but I know the Truth.
Part of me hates the truth,
at least the part of it that includes Satan.

And still, there is just one place
to take this grief and heartbreak.
Broken, I find myself at the foot of the cross,
again,
and always.
I'm thinking I will just pitch a tent here. :)

Seriously though, please say a little prayer for these 2 families and all those trying so desperately to keep hope alive following so great a loss. I will be.

daytime nightmares

2010-12-14T11:06:00.006-06:00

It is daytime but it's completely dark all around us.
I am standing outside surrounded by women
and we are all waiting for something,
we are all hopeful and desperate
we have all been here before
but started our journey in the light
not the darkness that surrounds us here.
No one speaks
but we all know why were are gathered here in this place
we don't have to speak,
we just wait
together.

Suddenly I feel a warmth in my hand
I glace down to see a small star cradled in my palms.
It's my turn...
Go, run as fast as you can the women surrounding me urge.
Go, go, you must go now!
I can't believe I got my star! - how long have I been waiting?
has it been moments, years?
I start to run, faster and faster.
My sides ache, my chest throbs.
All around me are women walking, jogging, running
some have stoped to check on their stars;
are they still a glow?

And then it starts to rain.
We all desperately try to keep our little stars dry
and glowing.
Some women hide,
some run faster into the darkness ahead,
others begin to wail.
They cry out for help, for light, for their star...
I can't even bare to check on my star.
Is is still a glow? I'm not sure.
I decide to just run, not look back, not look down
it's still warming my palms, so I just keep running

Some of the women beside me stop suddenly
they look panicked,
I gasp as see,
their stars are no longer lit.
They must return and wait
for another star to carry,
they are the broken hearted, broken again.
I reach out for them, just come with me,
your star still has some light, I say,
I can see it!
It just has to glow...
I long to return with them, but my feet only move
faster and forward.
With just the star in my palm to light my way,
all I know to do is pray;
Glow little star, please glow.

I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed

Genesis 26:4

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”

“Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

1 Samuel 1:10-17

Positive

2010-12-08T09:02:00.006-06:00

As you can see we have a bit of news to share!
It's still very new.
It's still really unexpected.
It's still a bit scary.
It's still really exciting!

I have never been very good at keeping secrets.
I had hoped to wait to reveal until we were further along
or until we had passed some very big milestones
but I just can't.

As you can imagine my emotions are all over the place with this pregnancy.
It is such a blessing.
But it is indeed a bittersweet blessing.
This child's due date is Aug 4th, 2011.
One year, to the day, that we buried our sweet Amelia Grace.
Amelia was due Aug. 2nd *sigh*

This is not how I would have planned it.
But then again,
nothing in my life lately is quite how I planned it,
but it is as God planned
and that's good enough for me.

Amelia - my first, my only...
you're going to be a big sister.
love you, miss you...

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.”
1 Samuel 1:17-20

18 weeks - left undone

2010-12-01T09:02:00.005-06:00

Has it really been 4 months since we kissed those sweet lips?

It has come to my attention that there is still much left undone.
It's December
and the holiday panic is nipping at my nose along with Jack Frost.
YIKES it got cold fast...I digress.

In all our planning and preparation for Amelia's birth
I wanted to be sure that everything was in place.
Not a moment wasted -
all that could be done in advance
just had to get done.

Now that she is gone
I find myself with a long list of remembering Amelia Grace to do's
and not an ounce of decisiveness to aid me along the way.

I used to be so sure of things.
What happened?

I can't decide on scrapbook designs
I can't settle on a layout for her marker
I can't even bring myself
to mail in the fingerprint impression we have
to be made into a necklace.
I have big plans for shadow boxes
filled with her things
and making a special place for her in our home
but can't decide...
should it be a corner?
a room?
a garden?

Right now all her things are put away in her room in our house
and a room in my heart.
Inside these rooms
they remain a glorious mess of love and grief.
For now, I suppose, that is where they will remain.
Until I can find away to bring them out,
and into an album,
a shadowbox,
a corner,
and a garden.

But Mary treasured up all these things
and pondered them in her heart.

Luke 2:19

I will give you hidden treasures,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
Isaiah 45:3

4 Months - New Flowers

2010-11-28T09:02:00.001-06:00

(click on this image to enlarge)

With some help from one of my floral accounts,

I made this cross for Amelia's grave.

Although by now, they know me quite well,

I don't think they have many customers who come in for flowers

and insist on arranging the flowers themselves.

Bless their hearts they showed me the ropes

and let me fumble through on this one.

My original intention was to have something different for her

for this Christmas

but I might just leave this for awhile,

I'm not sure yet.

On Thanksgiving morning

between putting the turkey on the smoker

and our 10am service

Tim, Noah and I took this new cross to Amelia's grave.

It was a bitter cold November morning at the cemetery

so we spent most of our time there just sitting in the car

looking out onto her spot

amongst the other babies who left to soon.

I couldn't help but think of the mother's of those children

whose names are engraved on my on heart.

I said a little prayer for them;

that their holiday would be gentle one.

Though it might seem a difficult Thanksgiving for us

it was filled with much joy and celebration.

We hosted both our families at our little house.

The turkey was a bit dry

and I made 3x's the amount of potatoes we needed,

(better to many than to few...in our family not enough potatoes is a serious offense. :))

but it was wonderful, precious time spent as a family.

There were some very special people absent from our table.

But we rejoice with thankful hearts

when we remember at whose table they are now seated.

There is much to be Thankful for.

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.

Philippians 4:4

17 Weeks - Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T09:02:00.000-06:00

As Thanksgiving nears, Amelia Grace
remains foremost in my mind and on my heart.
God has given Tim & I such blessings in our children!
This morning I have no cute story to share or grief to release.
All I have is gratitude.

Gratitude for the lives of my children.
Gratitude for my husband & best friend Tim.
Gratitude for those God has brought into our lives in the past year.
Gratitude that God chose me to carry his saint, Amelia Grace.
I thank my God every time I remember you...
Gratitude to our Lord for His blessings and His compassion;
His direction and His peace.

God is good ALL THE TIME!

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Psalm 69:30

Then Hannah prayed:

“My heart rejoices in the Lord!

The Lord has made me strong.

Now I have an answer for my enemies;

I rejoice because you rescued me.

No one is holy like the Lord!

There is no one besides you;

there is no Rock like our God.

1 Samuel 2

I thank my God every time I remember you.

Philippians 1:3

Precious in His Sight: Created to be Loved

2010-11-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

I just had to share this recent post from a site dedicated to a baby girl named Anastasha, who like our Amelia Grace, passed away shortly after her birth due to Anencephaly.

Her family has moved me greatly as we walk the road laid out before us.

This blog entry linked below is breath taking.
Please read it if you have a moment.

Precious in His Sight: Created to be Loved: "A dear friend of mine from medical school emailed me a portion of his journal from the day of Anastasha's birth. It rings of truth and ble..."

What do you believe God can do?

2010-11-20T06:57:00.000-06:00

Christmas Letter 2009

2010-11-18T09:02:00.004-06:00

I work at a small town newspaper.
It's a newspaper that still does cute things
like run letters to Santa in the paper the week before Christmas.

Yesterday, while I plugged away on a couple projects at my desk,
I stumbled across a copy of last year's Santa letters.
The paper was conveniently folded to the page
containing Noah's Santa letter from last year.

When I read it
I was reminded of where we were at this time last year.

Oh, the tears at Jesus feet...

Dear Santa,
My Mom asked me to write this.
She said I should ask for a baby sister for Christmas.
She said it wouldn't come with my other toys
and that I'd have to wait.
Do you make deliveries in July?
Oh, and I am supposed to ask that she be a Red Sox fan.
Give your reindeer a hug from me!
Noah

How different I thought this holiday would be...
Some days I wish I could go back in time, and just stay there
in those days of hope, anticipation and excitement,
the days before we knew
Amelia would not be coming home with us.

(click this image to enlarge)

16 Weeks - When the words don't come

2010-11-17T09:02:00.010-06:00

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Romans 8:26

Sometimes I think I made a mistake
only committing myself to blogging on Wednesday (Amelia's day).
It's gotten harder, as the days pass, to blog here.
Not because of a lack of material mind you...
I could talk/write about Amelia all day long.
She is on my mind & heart constantly.

It's just -
when I try to sum up a week without her in one blog entry
I just can't do it.
I lack focus on any particular part of my grief or joy,
I start to type and just hope that some little jewel emerges
from my ramblings.

So I guess I will just dig in.

On the 13th I
(with the help of 2 other chicas, besties, BB Members, etc.)
threw a baby shower for my dear friend Jillian.
I have been planning Jill's baby shower,
in my head, for the past 2 years. (maybe longer I can't be sure)
However, I had not been planning
to be planning her shower after I lost my own child.
I was scared at how it would be...I cannot lie.
I had nightmares about breaking down in tears
as she opened her gifts.
I was sooo afraid of my grief interfering with her happy day.
I could not live with myself if I ruined it for her.

It went just fine, by the way.
No tears...only pure joy
at the sight of my gorgeous, glowing, perfectly preggo Jilly Bean.
I am so happy for her and Jeremy
there is little cause for self pity.
I think it helps that Jillian and I are so close
and that she was such a comfort to me while I carried Amelia.
Her joy is my joy.
Now, strangers screaming
at their cart of kiddos at WalMart...totally different story. :)

As some of you reading this may know,
I often claim to be a bit of a psychic...
believe it or not,
not to long before I found out I was pregnant with Amelia,
I had a vision about Jillian's baby shower.
At the shower we were both pregnant.

At the time of this "vision"
Jillian was trying to conceive after a miscarriage.
It was, as you can imagine, a very tough time for her.
I called her right away and told her of my premonition.
I knew she was going to be pregnant soon.
Actually, I knew we were both going to be pregnant soon.

The outcome was a bit different than I had imagined.
I thought we would be raising our girls together.
As it turns out, my vision was not meant to be.

And still, the joys far outweigh the sorrows.
God is so good -- ALL the time.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

and his courts with praise!

Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good;

his steadfast love endures forever,

and his faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5

just what I needed...

2010-11-16T09:02:00.006-06:00

Raise your hand if you love Google.

This morning I needed a little help.

(a personal assistant is probably more accurate)

I thought to myself...you don't need help, you need a little Grace.

And I do, every single day.

Some days I think, I just need Amelia Grace. sigh

But I know it is His grace that I need more than any other.

Like I said, this morning I needed a bit more grace.

So I Googled it.

I actually typed in the words,

"More Grace"

Google found this:

He Giveth More Grace Annie J. Flint

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Thank you Jesus,

I love you...

and I love Google.

Melissa

........................................

a little more grace courtesy of The Bible...

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

15 Weeks - there were photographs I wanted to take...

2010-11-10T11:06:00.015-06:00

Noah at 3 1/2 Months

As the weeks before Christmas pass by,

I have been faced with the annual task

of piecing together our Christmas letter to our friends and family.

Typically we take a new family picture about now to include in that letter.

This year we will not take a new family photo.

As painful as it is,

this morning I allowed myself to ponder

one of the many "what ifs"

I push aside daily

in order to get through the day without her.

I allowed myself to imagine

what our family photo might have been like

this Christmas if she were here.

I often wonder, what would she look like?

I looked back at photos of Noah

at the age she would be now...

Unfortunately, she did not look like Noah as a baby.

She far more resembled her daddy. :)

No, this November we do not need a new family photo.

And although they were taken in July -

this year we already have

the most priceless family pictures we may ever have.

Truth is,

it's next year's Christmas card I'm worried about.

I just can't stand the thought

of Amelia not being in the picture.

Happy Birthday?

2010-11-09T09:02:00.001-06:00

I continue to be caught unaware by things that trigger my grief.
There are the obvious Wednesday things,
Baby's First Christmas things,
Baby's First Thanksgiving things,
just straight up baby things...so, so many things.

But this morning I woke up and found myself again at a loss.
Today is a milestone in my life.
Today I turn 30.
I could blame my feelings of angst and agony at the day
on the roll over from my twenties
to my thirties...
but the blame would be misplaced.
Today I am heartbroken --correction remain heartbroken.

Today is not the Happy Birthday of my youth,
it's just another day without Amelia.

And still, the joy and sorrow cannot be separated.
Today I will laugh and cry, lots.
There is so much to be thankful for today.
Not the least of these,
today I am one day closer to her and to Him.

14 Weeks - In The Word.

2010-11-03T09:02:00.004-05:00

(click this image to enlarge)

Thank you so much to Shannon Brooks
for making this sweet pumpkin for our Amelia Grace.
You can see it featured in Amelia's Name Gallery too!

This past weekend I had the privilege
of speaking our daughter's name out loud.

I was asked to speak at an LWML Retreat in Mapleton, IA
at beautiful Mission Central.
At first I was hesitant.
(I'm not a super experienced public speaker)
But then I felt the tug.

As I have experienced so many times
since learning of Amelia's condition,
I was brought to the realization, once again,
that there is NO LIMIT
to what our God can do with even the least of these.

So I shared our story,
our journey,
and our perfect daughter.

It felt good to say her name and to tell others
about the blessings,
sorrows and joys,
that she brought to this world-
how she left her footprints here.

I am still in awe of the ways in which our Lord
used our little baby, who lived just 2 hours on this earth,
to impact so many people in so many places.
She brought the love of Christ to hundreds
without ever saying a word.
My little missionary...
I have some seriously big baby booties to fill in my life.

But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.
Jeremiah 20:9

already there.

2010-11-01T15:57:00.000-05:00

"They say that time in heaven

is compared to 'the blink of an eye'

for us on this earth.

Sometimes it helps me

to think of my child running ahead of me

through a beautiful field

of wildflowers and butterflies;

so happy and completely caught up

in what she is doing

that when she looks behind her,

I'll already be there."

~Author Unknown

Saw this quote on a fellow "Baby Loss Mama Blogger's" post (Brooke - Briar's Mommy) and just had to post it here. This is EXACTLY what I pray heaven is like for my sweet little Amelia.

Lots of tears at Jesus feet today when I read this.
Lovely,
just lovely.

birthday wishes

2010-10-28T09:02:00.002-05:00

Happy 3 months in heaven today to our sweet baby girl!
Mommy, Daddy and Noah miss you like crazy cakes.

Blowing kisses...

13 Weeks - Lost.

2010-10-27T09:02:00.004-05:00

In the months leading up to Amelia's birth
it was made clear to me what I was supposed to be doing.
I prayed night and day for God to lead us through the valley
delivering all of us safely to the other side.
It may sound strange, but during the pregnancy,
and even the first days following her death,
I was at peace.
I felt my life had direction.
I was clear what God was asking us to do with our lives and hers.
Were were focused on Amelia's time with us;
making every kick, every moment count.
We took it all in, lived in the moment,
and trusted entirely in the plans the Lord had for our family.
Though the path before us was dark and twisty,
God gave us "just enough light for the step we were on."
We didn't have room in our hearts and minds for
worry about where God was leading
we just followed His lead.

It was the darkest time of our lives,
until now.

These days,
I have been shocked to find myself a bit lost.
We had such focus and purpose when she was here!
We had cause to move forward.
But now I find myself often feeling off balance and directionless.
Each day further from her birth
hurts a bit more.
Is it silly that I thought it would get easier with each day?

I know that I cannot live this way.
I cannot move forward
with my eyes fixed on where we have been
rather than where God is leading.
And so I do the only thing I can do...
keep praying.

I pray that it gets easier.
I pray for just a bit more light
I pray to remain cross sighted.
I pray that the Lord continue to use us to do his work.
I pray that the Lord continue to use Amelia to do his work.

Prayer of Release

from DaySpring Devotions - Roy Lessin

I know the one in whom I trust,

and I am sure that He is able to guard

what I have entrusted to Him until the day of His return.

2 Timothy 1:12

Heavenly Father, I release to you the burdens that I have been carrying, burdens that You never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You, all my worries, all my fears.

Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart, still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things I have been hanging onto, with opened hands I come to You.

I thank You for Your promise to sustain me, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time, and in Your way. Amen.

(thanks for this Lois...praying with you!)

empty.

2010-10-25T09:02:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling a bit strange this last week…

Long story short, I decided to take a pregnancy test.
While I was waiting for the results I considered the possibilities.
Would I be scared to death if it was positive?
Would I be crushed if it were negative?
Are we ready for this???

It was negative.

I found myself just as disappointed as I was relieved.
Mostly, I realized
That I felt just the same as I had before the test…
I felt just as I have since Amelia left us;
I felt
empty.

As I made my way through my Monday morning emails,
I noticed a message from Tim.
He doesn’t email me often, so I figured I had better take a peek.
He had forwarded me a daily hunting devotion he receives via email.
It always contains a bible study verse.
When I read it, I knew exactly why he had sent it to me…
So without further ado,

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Don't ask me...

2010-10-22T19:52:00.000-05:00

These days,
there are questions I don't even ask myself.
Correction - there is one question I don't ask myself...

Do you think you will have more children?

I can't even allow myself to think of being pregnant again.
And yet, I can't imagine Noah as our only living child.
We already have the family I always said I wanted;
one boy. one girl.
We should be done making babies.

That being said,
Tim and I have experienced a bit of a paradigm shift
since losing our sweet little Amelia.
We have learned
what it really means to trust in our Lord's plans for us
and for our family.
We have learned what it feels like to let go and let God.
It feels scary.
It feels foolish.
It is against our nature...
against our sinful, human nature.

I am still so amazed (though I shouldn't be)
at the ways in which God has blessed us,
and continues to bless us,
through the life and death of our daughter.
He carried us through the fire.
If I cannot trust him now,
after all he has done,
I have learned nothing.

Just about 13 months ago,
our Lord entrusted us with his beloved daughter.
And then this July, he took her home.
She was amazing, absolutely amazing.
She was a gift we did not deserve.
Her absence will be ever present in our lives.

Will God entrust us with another of his precious children?
I really don't know.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that
although I know the Lord will hear my prayer,
there are some things
I'm just too afraid to ask for.

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!
Luke 11:9-13