I have found myself,
more often than not,
unable to blog.
Noah and I have kept busy
with doctors appointments
birthday party planning,
lunch dates with friends,
scrap booking her pictures
laundry and cleaning...
anything really that I can to keep moving.
I force myself to leave the house once a day.
I have to.
And though on the inside I feel
like a hollow shell of the woman I once was,
I hear compliments day in and out
regarding how strong,
brave, etc. I am.
But they don't seem to notice the change in me.
If they did
they would see a slightly different figure.
They would see me as I am;
a broken woman.
I pray they don't look to close
because if they did,
They might see the dark circles under my eyes,
from a sleep cycle that is still confused
not to find a hungry infant at 12 am, 3 am or 6am.
They might notice my worn and chipped toe nail polish,
which I had done with my Mom just before having Amelia,
and might wonder why I don't re-paint them.
They might miss that I am wearing a broken watch
set at 11:06
the hour and minute she left us.
If someone looked too close
they might be left a bit unsettled
by each small, unnoticeable thing...
they might also catch a smile or tear of joy
or see her name engraved on my necklace
and on my heart
and rejoice that she was here,
as we do.
They might be blessed to see God at work
carefully walking us through the darkness.
They could come to know the comfort we have found.
The peace that settles over me
even at 12am, 3am and 6 am.
If they must,
I pray they look close
and see the one who sees them as they are;
I pray they call out to the God
they had been missing
and find the assurance
He never left them at all.
But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.